Hard truths are rarely easy to digest. Double that when said truth(s) have to do with ourselves. Has anyone reading this now know the song "In the Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics from the mid 1980s? If not, go listen to it now online. Yes, this is what I will be discussing in today's blog post. What do we do when the truth is too hard to take...and on top of it, all we end up doing is fighting over it with the messenger of that truth! Even when that messenger is ourselves!
So you know me, I always have a story to prove my point. By the way, any of my stories shared on my blog here are NOT about "this person here from my past or present". I will tell you who the person is (1) after they are dead and I choose to tell you "who" he/she/they were and how he/she/they were connected to me in my own real life. Next, it's important to know the stories presented on my blog, at times, are representative of an amalgam of different people with their different experiences combined together like a great big salad. Nobody is readily identifiable...but yet all the right lessons (hopefully!) are made clear as a result of any given narrative presented here...
Just the other day, I had someone tell me the name of a brand new employer I knew about all too well. This, by the way, a connection that has nothing to do with my job as a therapist or my current or past clients. So...me being me...I cut to the chase: What I basically said was, "This isn't the place to get involved with anyone past good morning and good night! And you'll know when it's time to move on to something else when you remain objective about where you are and the types of people surrounding you..."
I can remember (of course I can!) when "work" was the place where I met my future friends and relations! Can you? I think of one friend whose business has basically been responsible for bringing together countless people who are still together as friends, soulmates, or spouses to this day! Don't discount the reality that everyone has experienced this need for "connection" at some point in their own work-related history! The key is how many people deeply regret who they "met" and went under as a result of their pairing up in the first place? You know, like that man or woman who turned you onto a lifestyle that took you way down more than anything else in your own life? Yep...like that!
So----for the person I was speaking to, I know it had to be beyond helpful (hopefully!) on his part to know that I can cut to the chase like that when my biggest concern is my person's ability to maintain his/her/their objective (and sober!) view of reality without jeopardizing (harming!) themselves in some way, shape, or form. He got it. I'm grateful.
Hard truths are never easy. It's made more complicated when we believe only the worst about ourselves and that's what we keep going back to. We can say we think we are (positive! positive!) out loud and to other people, but we would be lying. We don't believe any of the positive! positive! anyway; we only believe the beyond negative, negative about ourselves. Then we end up making relationship decisions based on our own bad perception of who we are ourselves from the inside out!
When we view ourselves as fundamentally flawed and unable to sustain healthy-enough personal relationships, it is true that "any" charmer or perceived as "fun" or "exciting" person will draw us in. That's just a fact. Yet this is exactly when we have to be and remain objective about him/her/them. For example, if I just meet a new co-worker at a job that I started two days ago, what am I to do with the question they ask, when the question they ask me is this: "So, do you smoke crack? Cause you know, around here, the boss doesn't care if we smoke crack during our breaks." Yes, I'm being dramatic but you get my point? I HOPE you get my point! What's your value system? What do you say or do when it's being challenged? Do you crumble and stumble and fall right into the trap(s) being set for you? I hope not. If you do, you better hurry up and call someone like me for help like yesterday!
I would love to believe that everyone being challenged by hard truths would do the right thing in order to keep themselves in check before they go ahead and wreck themselves. However, I find that more and more of us are spineless when it comes to this addiction we have to approval, acceptance, and "like" from others we are thrown together with through a new employment situation (as presented above), or a new family system we just married into, or getting to know the "friends" of our latest boyfriend or girlfriend, etc. etc. etc.
Just because someone acts like they "want" you or wants to get to know you better...you do NOT have to respond like "OK then! Go ahead and use me till you use me up!" Stop the madness puleeze! It is NOT NORMAL to become "fast friends" with anybody. There's a hard truth for you! Fast friends equals even faster opportunities to exploit you AND VICE VERSA when you allow it! So stop it before it starts! Be clear about who you genuinely are that is GOOD and RIGHT and TRUE---instead of believing the worst you already believe about yourself and your true value!
Ugh!
Because I worked in a prison system for some time, the analogy I like to use about this brand of hard truth is that you do NOT want to end up in prison because you were too afraid to say "NO!" when told to drive the getaway car! The prison you inhabit when you can't comfortably learn how to say "NO!" is not just potentially limited to a cell over at Huron Valley or Jackson. You lose your own unique identity in the name of people-pleasing, acceptance, approval, and like/love towards the WRONG person(s).
You follow me? I hope so!
Until next post....