For example (and for those of you who already know this story, just skip ahead!), when I was a young 20-something, I cultivated a friendship with some pizza/gourmet grocery shop owners across the road from our home. The husband was a very friendly older guy; we "met" when I asked him about the sign posted behind his counter on the wall. It said, "These premises are monitored by a 357 magnum three nights a week. You guess which three nights." Needless to say, he was funny and I liked that. At the time, making me laugh was a primary criteria leading to our subsequent friendship.
I of course met his wife who also worked at the store....and his kids who were both teenagers at the time. In fact, his wife was funnier than he was. As a truly a laugh-a-minute family, I enjoyed hanging out with them in the "back room" when my husband was traveling abroad and bk (before kids). These new friends would break out some wine, we'd eat pizza, and laugh our way through many a night talking about whatever struck our fancies. We actually found we had lots of local people in common. One of my old friends from a former employer was once engaged to his brother, before his brother was tragically killed. One of his good friends was trying to pair up with my old roommate, who was his nearby neighbor. Yikes what a small world we resided in at that time! Their stories were also quite entertaining, as they were nearly twenty years older than myself and seemed to know all the good tea about the hometown we shared.
As our friendship evolved, "dad" said to me one day that I had better be mindful of the fact that in business, pretty much everyone is a crook. Since I had my own business at that time (as a marketing consultant to small business), I replied that I, myself, wasn't a crook. His response was as follows: "You'll learn."
Well, no kidding I DID learn---but what I learned was to refuse working for or with the crooks in this life rather than join them, how about that? In the case of this particular friend and his wife, we kept our relationship social and did not mix business with pleasure. They wanted to, but I always politely refused and referred them elsewhere. Sadly, he was taken unexpectedly at the age of 52...and his surviving family shortly thereafter relocated to another state. This was after nearly ten years of knowing each other as we had.
Yet I can admit that there were times in my life history when I was definitely a problem among my own social circle. I was that 19 year old who would call you up to ask if you were free to join me at such-and-such disco Friday night---but then if I got a better offer between now and Friday, I'd conveniently "forget" to call you back and inform you of my change in plans. Especially if who I was agreeing to go out with didn't like you as much as I did. Sadly, I left many a friend confused about "What happened to Mary?" when I failed to show up or pick him/her/them up, etc. etc. To confront me about this dysfunctional pattern of behavior was not going to end well. I'd cut you off for a while, and then, if I began to actually miss your presence in my life---I'd call weeks later and behave as if nothing happened. How these same friends remained in my life since that time speaks to the power of forgiveness and emotional maturity over time. <3
Of course we will meet people throughout our lives who impress us or vice versa---and then befriend us. Yet what do we do when those revelations come to light regarding each other's conflicting core values and subsequent opportunities to do each other dirty? (By making choices which make us feel "good" (usually at someone else's expense)/that are more personally profitable (without considering the ethics or legal ramnifications of our actions)/and/or to exact revenge on some real or imagined "enemy"?) Think about that.
Only today, I found out about a couple who has been married for nearly 30 years. He just left. No real explanation, he quietly filed for divorce, had his wife served at work, and left the marital home. Yes, he does happen to have had a girlfriend waiting in the wings. However, for his wife to be so "blindsided" by what happened is just silly. Didn't she recognize how they were a problem to each other when their disagreements led to a steady stream of lose/win or win/lose outcomes over recent decades? Unless a couple knows how to successfully negotiate and compromise to reach win/win outcomes...things will go downhill and stay there. Even though this husband found his "dream" woman (apparently!)...I have to wonder how things will go for them once his divorce is final, this new twosome becomes comfortably familiar with each other, and the "fight for control" resumes---except with another woman rather than with his original wife? Just asking.
I have always said that water finds its own level. We are who we attract---and invite to stay. Yet, what if what you are repeatedly attracting someone who keeps bringing out the worst in you, as was true in the case of the above-mentioned couple? Let's face it; if you hang out with the wild dogs, you will catch those fleas! In fact, you may be more of a problem to others than you think you are. Perhaps now is the time to buy yourself a flea collar and consider moving yourself over to greener and more peaceful surroundings...
So what do you do the day you wake up and realize that you are a common denominator throughout that landscape of dysfunction known as your own relationship life? If your tribe are more like you in a negative way, nobody would notice this fact. Why would they? So long as we surround ourselves with people who enable us in our dysfunction rather than challenge us to elevate ourselves to a higher standard of functioning, we won't do it! We just won't! But we will figure out when it's time to leave when things become miserable enough. For those who don't leave, that's another issue for another post.
When you are a problem, you might want to ask yourself what you keep doing and why to merely survive, rather than thrive, in your own daily life. If you need help with that, well...that's what psychotherapy is for. Or good support groups, good books, and/or good true people who will tell you the truth about yourself.
In the meantime, remember this: proof of bad character means nothing to a bad character!
Until next post....