Stonewalling is the last, but certainly not the least, horseman of the marital apocalypse. Unlike the other three horsemen, stonewalling is perceived as least offensive because it is more "quiet" in nature. Yet as we all know, still waters can run very deep. When it comes to stonewalling, that's one deep you don't want to be rolling in as part of your ongoing marital dynamic...
According to John Gottman, stonewalling is "communication behavior characterized by shutting down, withdrawing, and emotionally disengaging from a conversation or interaction with a partner." Metaphorically speaking, it is like building and then maintaining a wall that separates you and your partner from fully and mutually understanding each other. When this occurs, how does anything get solved, resolved, and/or dissolved? It can't! The marital relationship inevitably devolves down to one person being in "charge" of decision making more often than the other. How does that make for a satisfactory and mutually-respectful marital dynamic? It doesn't.
Why does stonewalling occur? Generally speaking, it happens because the one partner who stonewalls is physiologically "flooded" with varying uncomfortable feelings and body sensations that overwhelms him/her/them. This, I should point out, is when the stonewaller is not personality and/or mood disorderd to begin with! When a person is disordered, stonewalling can be an effective tool to maintain control over his/her/their "targeted" person. But I'm not going to address that in today's post. In the majority of stonewalling situations, it is a highly anxious enough nature and the inability to cope with change which drives this behavior. Stonewallers struggle with anxiety. Some are self-aware about their own history with imagined fear(s) and worry; others, not so much. Stonewalling as a behavioral pattern somewhat screams to others: "I'm just too anxious and I can't take it anymore!"
Stonewalling can happen at any point during an interaction or conversation. I, myself, have had clients shut down as soon as a certain topic is mentioned, let alone discussed. So it can be like that with stonewalling. The body can instantly react to external verbal stimuli with the same intensity as though the room just caught on fire. No kidding. Unless you can relate to this, you can't. I know when working with my clients, some found that taking a low dose beta blocker (no kidding!) helped in preventing the dump of adrenaline into one's system when "triggered" by the words or actions of another person. Of course, being seen and evaluted by your primary care physician and/or psychiatrist is absolutely necessary before you run out to order a beta blocker online.
Stonewalling shuts down any opportunities to clearly understand your partner...and for your partner to clearly understand you. As an aside, if the content of your discussions on topics A, B, or C seem to merely go round and round in circles---I don't wonder how or why stonewalling becomes a comfortably familiar coping tool. On the other hand, are you trying to discuss subject matter you don't have any control over changing to begin with? I have found this is a common trap many couples fall into with each other. "How do we get our son/daughter/in-law/grandchild to......" Forget it. You don't have the power to "make" anybody change the way you want them to change. You can encourage them if they ask for your input specifically. You can offer emotional support (like a shoulder to cry on and/or a listening ear). And you can perhaps help motivate by functioning as your own best example. Beyond that however, you don't have power to change anybody or anything but yourself. End of.
As such, when one partner is gung ho on "What are we going to do about our nasty son-in-law?" to his wife....if she's stonewalling on this issue, I don't wonder why. She may already know there isn't anything that can be done about their nasty son-in-law other than set firm boundaries and/or encourage, support, and possibly motivate proper action when asked to "help". That's it. Stonewalling often get resolved in these instances when the couple involved can agree on what their genuine options are---and are not!
When stonewalling becomes a lifestyle, it becomes important to understand that it is much like contempt in that it disrespects and dismisses the input(s) being presented to one or the other partner. Who welcomes being treated like whatever they have to say or share with their partner does not matter? That would be no one at all, that's who!
For the person engaging in the stonewalling, trying to get themselves back to baseline mentally, emotionally, and/or physically is their goal. For the person on the receiving end of stonewalling, he/she/they are merely asking to be understood so that successful negotiation and compromise can be brokered if the topic under discussion requires it. It's a lose-lose proposition when one party keeps shutting down the other in the name of personal "comfort" and "safety" for lack of a better way of putting it! For the party on the receiving end of stonewalling behavior, it feels like "anything" that is brought up is going to be shut down if it isn't light and superficial enough in nature! Eek!
Needless to say, shutting down, withdrawing, and disengaging from effective communication is not a strategy that keeps couples together and feeling connected emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically speaking.
For real help on conquering any one or more horsemen of the marital apocalypse in your own marriage, you know who to call. Oh yes, that would be me. ;-)
Until next post....