To Remain Sober and In Recovery...(Part 1 in a Series)

So...being sober and living a recovery-based lifestyle is a brave road to traverse.  For people struggling with active substance and/or process addictions, life IS straight up tremendously busy with what you have to do day in and day out in order to "be" o.k. enough and survive each 24 hour period. 

Translated?  It means active addicts work their a**es off to get what they want and do what they want without regard for what they "should" be working on instead.  As such, active addicts are over-responsible for "working" on getting or being in an altered state of consciousness (and trying to make sure the experience will be "good" for them!)...while at the same time are under-responsible for pursuing their own "appropriate" activites of daily living.  Addicts' levels of "over-responsibility" are off the charts because their lives get very easily reduced down to "What I gotta do every single day when I need to do it!"

What the active addict experiences on a daily basis can involve moments of pure "bliss" because that's what drugs and/or alcohol provides until they don't anymore.  When they stop working as good as they used to,  pure "bliss" translates to just being able to be "out" (dissociated, literally asleep, and/or blacked out/passed out/unconscious) and not here in present-day reality.  

Otherwise, there are those blasted withdrawal symptoms to contend with, which makes the addict feel suddenly "sick" until their drug of choice is in hand and used as medicine.  When things get so intense, the alcohol and the drugs being used aren't for the purpose of getting buzzed or high anymore;  they are being used to not feel "sick" as soon as the addict's body goes into withdrawal (like in the middle of the night, or early in the morning, or at 3:30PM while visiting grandma, etc.).  With process addictions (gambling, sex, shopping, food, work, etc.), there is no literal "sick" attached until addicts damage their bodies enough physically to the point of requiring medical intervention and treatment.

Unfortunately, chasing after a pure "bliss" state always ends up attached to some pretty nasty consequences.  I don't know about you, but I know I wouldn't want to be interrupted by "real life sh**" and my other day-to-day "genuine" responsibilities when chasing after pleasure and experiencing it is like hopping on the dopamine rocket to oblivion.  Addicts like it there...living in oblivion I mean.  That's the goal.  That's always the goal.  To get to oblivion and stay there for as long as humanly possible.

Needless to say, when addicts lose their jobs...or their teeth...or their significant other...or their kids...or their "decent" relationships...these are just some of the nasty consequences attached to being an addict!

As such, who wants to waste time developing healthy routines and structure (once sober and in recovery!) in order to learn how to detox from the dopamine rush(es) that the former addict had gotten so comfortably familiar with?  Yet without the routine...without the structure that leads to living in true peace instead of in true pieces...the addict who has achieved sobriety and is now in active recovery will be sure to stumble back into the pit (of Hell that is) for resisting that which he/she/they truly need to practice forever and ever amen!

What the active addict spends so much time "doing" in order to get to that state of pure bliss each day...the recovering addict stops doing and now has to replace it with all those personal responsibilities that previously sat on the back burner of his/her/their life for God only knows how long...

Imagine it this way:  when you were buzzed/high/wasted as your chosen lifestyle, let's pretend you just stopped dealing with your "hair".  Instead of combing or brushing it, instead of washing it every day or every other day or even once a week, you said "Phuk it!" and forgot it was even sitting on top of your head.  After so many years, and by the grace of God, you found sobriety and recovery.  

Then one day, you notice as you look into the mirror that you have "something not recognizable" on top of your head...and it smells bad...and it feels itchy...and suddenly you recognize "it" as the hair you forgot about and never attended to as you should have on a daily basis for the past XX years.

Now what?

That's how it can feel for the newly sober and recovering addict who suddenly realizes that routine and structure, self-discipline and personal perseverence ARE, in fact, what has to be developed in order to practice "appropriate" personal responsibilities on a daily basis!  Don't get me wrong, it feels real good to walk through life these days in pajamas instead of in "real clothes" on college campuses all over this country.  Yet do YOU think this is a good "habit" to develop when the person wearing those pjs all over town has intentions of being a corporate CEO one day?  Delulu is alive and well everywhere!

Back to the hair example:  now you could pull a Britney Spears and just shave that mass of tangles and drama off of your head to give yourself a fresh start.  That would be easy.  Sure it would!  But then what?  As your hair started to grow out, would you suddenly just be "better" at taking care of it on a daily basis?  No, you would not.

Too many newly sober and recovering addicts would choose the "just shave it all off cure".  Of course they would!  It's easy, quick, and (in its own weird way) provides yet another dopamine rush because of yet another sudden, impulsive, and exhilarating decision that is going to lead to a "dramatic" change in one's daily life.  Hair one minute...and no hair the next!  Whee!

...and spare me!

Newly sober and recovering addicts are still addicted to the process addiction of whatever it takes to experience "surprises".   Yeah, that's right, I said surprises.  The perception here is that if I have to 'be" sober, I might as well spice up my daily life however I can by making and/or experiencing SPONTANEOUS CHANGES I BELIEVE WILL BE POSITIVE IN NATURE as my new "addiction"!

The craving for surprises as the new process addiction for the newly sober represents a potentially dangerous path.  The problem here is when a recovering addict is literally on the verge of lapse (or relapse!)--he/she/they are REALLY believing and presuming that their "boring" routines and structure they are beginning to become used to....are NOT worth sticking with!  "I want a change!"  "I want a surprise!"  "I want a dopamine rush NOW!"  Oh oh!  Instead of focusing on "What can I do to feel my desired rush of dopamine today?!", the focus needs to be on "What can I do to feel genuinely good about my skills, talents, and capabilities today from the inside out?!"  Which means, of course, to carry your own load of personal responsibilities every single day without ignoring or forgetting them, or working to have someone else "do" them for you!

So in this way, the sober and recovering addict on the verge of lapse/relapse is becoming over-responsible, once again, about finding and experiencing "surprises" (chasing dopamine rushes et al)..while conveniently forgetting about that which he/she/they "need" to do each day...but don't really want to do it! (Under-responsible)

See what I mean?

Humanity is like that anyway when we are dysfunctional enough thanks to our complex and storied past histories.  We do what we feel like and don't do what we don't feel like doing.  Period.  

Sobriety and recovery is learning how to find "balance" between ALL the personal responsibilities we need to be about as an adult human being...without conveniently ignoring or forgetting about them and instead focusing ourselves on what we'd "rather" be doing to go back to oblivion.

One of the great books on the history of drugs in the world is called (of all things!) "The Pursuit of Oblivion:  A Global History of Narcotics" written by Richard Davenport-Hines. 

Reading this book multiple times taught me that we can be really stupid when we think that living in oblivion trumps (no pun intended there! LOL!) living in the real world as a sober minded human being!

Being over-responsible for doing wrong things and being under-responsible for doing right things is what any active addict is all about.  Routine and structure is literally the first thing newly sober and recoverying addicts learn and practice in order to bust out of their prison of self-deception in this regard.

Until next post....

Living in Oblivion...

It is easy to do this living in oblivion thing.  If you have undiagnosed, untreated, or inappropriately treated ADHD...that would be start to help explain this phenomenon.  Without making this post about ADHD exclusively, let's just summarize the condition by saying ADHDers are really good at not doing what they genuinely need to be doing in a consistently timely manner.  Depending on the subtype of ADHD that a person struggles with, he/she/they might function like a motor that can't be shut off (at one end of the spectrum)---or in a daze (at the other end of the spectrum).  So that's that.  Hyperactive and/or inattentive, it's easy to be oblivious to reality and especially other people's reality when we can't even do for ourselves what we need to do for ourselves in any given moment and on any given day.

I relate to the condition because I have it myself.  I remember those days when I would wake up and "try" getting ready for work as a much-younger person...and I'd be SO MAD when I realized I didn't have clean pantyhose to wear to work....or my hairdryer was broken (although I knew that, I just "forgot"!)....or that I needed cash today but forgot to go to the bank yesterday, etc. etc. etc.  When a person is ADHD and doesn't know it or think about it, life can feel very challenging at best to "do" right each and every day.  No wonder we choose living in oblivion as our alternate choice.  As we see now in 2025 on b-l-a-s-t!

Besides ADHD, it is easy to live in oblivion when we are actively addicted to substances and/or processes that make us feel "good" or "better" or "alive" if only for a short time.  I used to walk to our central downtown business district as a little kid to distract myself away from my life at home.  For two hours, I remember feeling like I was transported into another world, though I didn't have any money to actually buy anything. Yet I did flood my senses with the sights, sounds, smells, and tactile experiences of walking into (for example) a Kresge's or Federal's department store...and loving it. This would be an example of a process addiction.  Having to "do" something in order to feel better than we do presently.  

Old people in the casinos, drunks at the bar every day after work, kids skateboarding till midnight during the week, "cruising" wherever whenever for a quick anonymous hookup...these are all examples of process addictions.  Oh, and me basically living at my local library also as a kid (on Saturdays) and becoming addicted to reading.  Not all process addictions are obviously self-destructive, yet they still take us away from "being here now" and living in our own chosen form of oblivion.

It's when our "issues" have the potential to harm other people that we need to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.  People who can't see past their own noses of "It really IS all about me feeling good on demand!" need to consider how their own "Me Me Me!" mentality affects the people they claim to love and care about.  It is NOT o.k. to roll in this life like everything or anything "good" or "fun" or "amazing" has to be done or pursued on a last-minute kind of basis.  When we make this our own form of a process addiction, we really are disrespecting and dismissing all others in pursuit of our own needs' satisfaction.  Planning for anything much goes out the window, unless it has to do with getting something or someone we want really badly.  How sad is that?  Everyone and everything being treated like a means to an end.  And if you aren't perceived as being "attention worthy", you're toast!

When our daughter was in elementary school, it seemed like the boys were truly nuanced in this process addiction thing taking the form of desired social interaction with their select peers. I would stand outside the classroom door when school ended, and out would zoom Alex or James or Billy...to ask mom immediately, "Can Joey come home with us to play?!"  "Sammy wants to come to our house now for dinner!" etc. etc.  Invariably I'd hear moms' responses from "Absolutely not!" to "Well, we have to ask Joey's mom if it's o.k., but if we don't see her to ask, I'm sorry the answer is not today." 

Now imagine these same kids grown up without having learned about true equality, mutual respect, and honest communications as a rule rather than an option when it comes to our relationship life.  I don't have to;  I've known too many of them since they were little kids.  Boys who grew into men who run their own lives by the seats of their pants.  High risk generally speaking, not much regard for others except who they want to "impress" in the short term, and, of course, oblivious to the impact of their various choices on others.  Yes, back to the reality of what living in oblivion looks like up close and personal.

I'm over it.  How about you?

Until next post....