One would imagine that after reaching a certain age, the practice of actively negotiating mutually-satisfying outcomes would NOT be such a difficult task. Yet, it remains so for many of us. This is because we are so highly codependent by nature. (Which means we don't treat ourselves or others as equals, but rather as objects to use---or to be used by!) Rather than genuinely negotiating outcomes where both parties get some of what they want, the harder-core codependent most often engages in self-serving negotiating as their default. When we find ourselves at the receiving end of these self-serving negotiators...we often don't know what hit us until the smoke clears and we realize the price we paid for keeping our mouths shut.
Instead of saying what we mean, meaning what we say, not saying it mean, and saying it in a timely manner to the person(s) who need to hear it....we roll over. Why we roll over is the focus of today's blog post. I hope reading it will encourage you to stop putting yourself in the "one down" position the next time you need to negotiate an outcome that leads to a compromise where both you and the other person involved are equally satisifed!
"Sue" was going on vacation with her friend "Elyse" for a week in Cancun. Sue asked her friend "Sally" to pray for her, as Sue viewed Elyse as somewhat of a bully when it came to scheduling their activities while in Mexico. Instead of saying something to Elyse directly as she was articulating her list of things she wanted to do in Cancun, Sue kept her mouth shut. This was not a good idea. Sue felt more comfortable shutting down and asking for prayer from a trusted friend than to respectfully interrupt Elyse when she began to carry on about "their" plans for the week.
Sue didn't know it on a conscious level, but for her, negotiating to reach mutually-satisfying compromises had always been very difficult ever since she was old enough to understand receiving the short end of every stick she was personally handed!
"Nina" has been with "Joe" for over ten years. They live together, and they remain unmarried. Nina has complained often to her friends and family about Joe's lack of interest in the things Nina finds important. Like shared experiences that don't involve a pickleball court---or a golf club. For Joe, he loves both pickleball and golf...so he engages in those respective activites as often as he chooses. Nina keeps thinking that if Joe REALLY loved her, he'd understand what makes her happy instead of always focusing on what makes himself happy. Nina finds herself drifting away emotionally from Joe with each encounter she has with her group of friends who are much more attentive to her generally speaking. Nina is wondering if now is the time to cut her losses and cut Joe loose. "He doesn't listen to me about figuring out what we both like doing together", Nina claims. "He's so busy making sure he's going to do what he wants every day...my presence in his life is more of a non-event than anything else."
So what about Sue and Nina? Would learning how to negotiate more comfortably help them to feel more confident about asserting their own position no matter what is being discussed or who is involved in the discussion?
Negotiating becomes difficult when the person hesitating to do it is more fearful than fearless in the general sense. So where does that fear come from when it boils down to avoiding conflict at any cost?
Both Sue and Nina were raised by "Superstar" fathers who were very busy in the outside world---but came home primarily to rest and recharge. "My dad was a congressman, so he only came home on weekends", states Nina. "When he showed up on Friday night, we all lined up at the front door like good little soldiers because daddy was finally home." As Nina continues, she mentions how her dad always seemed to be too distracted or busy to spend one-on-one time with her or her siblings.
Sue, on the other hand, had a doctor for a father who was always most interested in talking about medical-focused issue and technologies which interested him in the context of his practice. "I felt like he could be talking in another language to me, but I was so grateful he was even looking at me, I never articulated that his conversations aimed at me bored me to death." In both case, Nina and Sue were emotionally neglected by their dads, who they still loved and adored. Needless to say, both Sue and Nina became comfortable living in households where their own emotional needs were basically ignored and/or shut down in favor of dad's "preferred" interactions with each of them. And we wonder why how one pattern of behavior leads to another over time? ("If I just sit here and agree, it's better than sitting here all alone...")
Yes, as a psychotherapist I have heard the many reasons why people won't and don't feel comfortable with honestly and genuinely negotiating mutually-satisfying outcomes. It is true that confusion arises when a client believes they have to be "tougher" or "harder" in order to negotiate more effectively. That is NOT the solution. When one can recognize how they learned to "roll over" and who was involved (like Nina and Sue with their respective dads)...it really does clear away the cobwebs of denial that keeps us "rolling over" with anyone we perceive as more like "them" than like "us".
Another thing that confounds the ability to successfully negotiate is when someone can't even find words to describe what they are thinking, believing, or feeling and will instead say things like "You know what I mean" or "I know you know what I'm talking about" or "Like I said a million times before.." Listen, if you cannot clearly express what you think, believe, or feel appropriately enough in your own "now" moments....then how can another person understand you clearly about that thing?! They can't! End of!
I do understand underlying cognitive challenges and substance use and abuse. When a person uses drugs or alcohol, being able to say what you mean is going to be a problem. Then the meaning what you say part is also going to be equally challenging. Saying something mean is typically easiest for those who are "altered". Just saying! Is it then a stretch to claim that negotiating effectively is a fool's game when addiction is involved? So---if you are an active addict reading this, long-term sobriety and regular involvement in your own recovery-based community are what will help you leave your past behind....so you can move past it and into the much healthier communication, negotiation, and compromise-based territories of interdependence!
Fear is the darkroom where negative thoughts are developed. For anyone who fears honest and genuine negotiating and yet complains about outcomes they didn't want or ask for---that's on you to solve. Nobody is just going to "give" you what you want because you're cute....or quietly compliant...or an all-good "giver". Forget it. Step up to the plate and honestly negotiate! You can do it!
Until next post...