It is true that we are all creatures of habit. What we like and like doing, we do it! What we don't like and don't like doing, we work "not" to do it! That's our human nature. However, there are times when our own "just say no!" strategy works against us. Today's post is focused on when our own "No!" responses end up jeopardizing our ability to heal, change (for the better!), and improve the overall quality of our own lives....
I have worked with a lot of clients over the past 22 years. Some of them, I will say, amazed me just by showing up for psychotherapy. How can I say that? I say that because there is still a HUGE stigma associated with people asking for help about issues and problems they would rather not address directly, let alone involving a third party professional. I mean when was the last time you met someone who told you, "Hey! Guess what?! I decided to start going to therapy because I create conflict like it's my job and it's really ruined a lot of my important past relationships!" Or how about, "Geez, I think I need to see a psychiatrist because I keep obsessing about something being medically wrong with me, even though doctors keep telling me I'm perfectly healthy."
See what I mean?
We typically don't face what we'd rather not face. That's a fact. People can go for not just weeks or months, but for years and decades saying "No!" to what ends up being their own worst decision(s) ever. In my field of mental health, it is NOT easy to be connected to someone biologically or otherwise who makes their own lives quite complicated because of this "No! No! No!" mentality.
"NO!" (I won't ever take medication!) "NO!" (I can't admit my husband abuses me and our kids to anybody!) "NO!" (She might exploit the bejesus out of me every chance she gets, but I'll never leave her!) "NO!" (I'm too old to learn a new skill now!) "NO!" (I'm not an addict!) "NO!" (I'm not in denial!)
...and on and on we go.
My dearly departed aunt (God rest her, she would have been 101 years old this past summer) was someone who was much more comfortable saying "NO!" than she was "YES!". She didn't used to be that way when I was a kid. In fact, she was the one who suggested we go to Battle Creek on the train from Detroit to tour the Kellogg's factory. As she aged, however, it was clear she was much more comfortable just shutting down opportunities that involved activities outside of her personal comfort zone. You could take her to church; she was fine with that. You could take her to her favorite local restaurant; no problem. But to suggest anything she wasn't already familiar with or "heard about" from her peer group---forget it! Like pulling teeth. She truly lost her sense of adventure somewhere along the way. Needless to say....
This "NO!" thing can be so annoying! Kind of like refusing to accept a blanket when we are otherwise freezing....or refusing to go sit in that bucket of water over there when our rear end is on fire.
So what can we do about this issue when it's one of our own issues? Well, every dysfunctional habit can be broken when we replace it with a new and healthier habit instead, how about that?
If you are a "NO!" person, how about making a deal with yourself to start? For one month, keep track on paper of all the times you said "NO!" to someone else (or to yourself for that matter) regarding whatever it is you chose not to do, rather than do in a timely manner. After a month of tracking your "NO!" moments, review your documentation to see if there is a pattern there that you can identify. Guess what? There will be a pattern there!
Some people find that their tracking record for a single month may be most focused on things discussed or interactions involving a particular person or group of persons. Others may find that their tracking record has most to do with opportunities or invitations to "go" places with one or more other people. Whatever the case, you will find that your own "NO!" moments for the month will have a pattern attached regarding (1) "who" you most say "NO!" to ( including yourself!), (2) "what" it is you keep deciding that you will "not" do (like anything to do with "doctors"---or traveling---or going somewhere you've never been before as examples), (3) "when" it is you most often say "NO!" without even thinking ("I don't do "mornings"...I don't do "after dark".."I don't like having people over at my house, etc.), and (4) "where" (at home? at work? when out with friends? with with certain family members? etc.)
Understanding your own pattern of behavior is helpful here because it provides you with the evidence of what you are most often resisting and under what circumstances.
And that's a start....
Until next post!