People tell each other "I don't know.." way more often than they realize. Beyond the fact that this simple phrase is the easiest excuse in the book to get out of most things (self-awareness chief among them!)...today's post is all about breaking this bad habit and why it's so important to do so!
I mentioned self-awareness above all else because there are those of us who avoid self-awareness like we avoid going to the dentist for a root canal. The idea of it just hurts too much. Self-awareness translated means that we understand what we did or did not do that was wrong/hurtful/self-serving/cold-hearted/evil/self-destructive (and whatever else "bad"!) to ourselves and/or one or more others. Kind of like finding out you've behaved like a genuine jerk (or worse!) more often than not to your only sibling for most of your life. Or your spouse. Or your child. Or your best friend. (Need I go on?) Much easier to avoid all that garbage by simply stating "I don't know.." when asked about the incident, the relationship, your reaction to "what happened", etc.
For sure it is much easier to proclaim "I don't know!" when you'd rather not remember and know for real and for sure what you did/didn't do that was truly bad.
My uncle is deceased now. Has been for a long time. While he was alive, he tolerated me more than anything else. He may have been kinder to me when I was very very young; I have a photo of us when I'm about three years old as we are both smiling at the camera. He is playing his accordian...and I have a single finger on the key of middle C. That's the only photo I possess of "us" where we are smiling at the same time.
Since that time, it was made clear to me that unless I was "serving" him in some way (including conversationally!)---I was useless to him. He wasn't and wouldn't be the first person in my life to have treated me that way. Fortunately or unfortunately for his wife (my aunt)--she was all about being the dutiful wife to him during the nearly 60 years they were married. I would call her up on the phone, and I would hear "I can't talk now...your uncle needs his cottage cheese and peaches." ...and she'd hang up! Believe me when I tell you that the distance between their kitchen and where he was sitting was less than ten feet. He was perfectly capable of getting his own dish of cottage cheese and peaches, but didn't. So it was like that. Serve him...or be invisible to him. End of.
For a long time if anyone asked me what my uncle was like, I would say "I don't know." because I really did NOT know what he was like. And for a long time, I didn't care to find out either. He never really had an honest conversation with me about anything. Unless the subject matter was something "he" wanted to discuss, he wasn't interested in chatting about "it" whatever "it" was. Not until he was stuck in a rehab facility for the last 2-1/2 years of his life did I get to know and understand him better, because he couldn't ignore me. I'd go to visit him....and he couldn't leave the room or building to get away from me.
During those 2-1/2 years, I learned a lot about my uncle...primarily because of his answers to my questions, when he felt like answering. Yet I wouldn't let up on visiting him....and I kept asking questions. Ultimately, it became clear to me how disappointed he was in his own plans to be cared for in the way he wanted by his distant relative in another country. He tried to orchestrate the situation to go his way, but his distant relative only had him in his home (that my uncle purchased for them) once---and then said my uncle couldn't stay there. Oops!
So when my uncle subsequently ended up in rehab, while my aunt remained in their condo...he was definitely frustrated. As it turned out, this distant relative of his didn't visit him in the rehab with his family, although everything this distant relative had was purchased with my aunt and uncle's nest egg. I know my uncle became self-aware in ways he would have avoided like the plague if he could. He made some really big mistakes due to really big errors in judgment. Hey, it happens. My aunt learned to forgive him by the time he died---and so did I. He was just looking to control his preferred outcomes he, in truth, had no control over in the first place...
I tell you this story because our lives are like that. We make our plans....and then God laughs. We knowingly or unknowingly do or don't do "right" things because we have made poor choices with only our own needs' satisfaction in mind. We are human. We are messed up. How long we remain messed up is truly "up" to each of us.
If we keep up with this "I don't know" shtick whenever we are asked something we don't feel like answering....we'll stay messed up until we die. That's the way it is, period.
We would not like to think of ourselves as selfish gits, but we are. All of us. We may seduce our way into getting what we want out of someone else...or we may engage in what I've referred to often in this blog as "self-serving" negotiations. And then...if all goes according to our own plan, we'll be fine because we got what we wanted from him/her/them. Yet when we don't....we then decide if what we wanted in the first place is worth fighting over. Or...we walk away and find another target to meet our need(s). Or we may even leave the relationship altogether. It all depends on how invested we are in what we want from others and what extent we will go to in getting it.
When was the last time you said "I don't know" to someone and you knew the subject matter was something you'd rather not discuss---like ever? "How much did you drink last night?" "How fast were you driving when you skidded off the road like that?" "How did she end up with that black eye?" "Why do you keep asking me for these outrageous sums of money every month or so like clockwork?"
In the end, if you don't choose to be aware about your own choices and decisions and what they led to in the way of natural consequences....that IS your choice. But for those of us who know you, care about you, perhaps love you----you sell us all short by continuing with this "I don't know" stuff like we are stupid. We're not stupid and neither are you.
Some things just need to be brought into the light so we all can reap the benefits of you getting better---and our relationship improving as a result!
So do your work. We all have our work to do. Don't avoid it. It's unbecoming to you.
Until next post....