Your Anti-Anxiety/Panic Porta-Pack!

I remember the first time I shared with a client how we experience life through our senses.  Kind of like the obvious being not so obvious until it hits us:  "Oh yeah!  What I see, what I hear, what I smell, what I touch, what I taste....and what I intuit (intuition/spiritual discernment) IS all of what I have to experience the world around me!"  Truth.

Yet you may be one of the millions of people on our planet who also experiences life through your "emergency state" of feelings that all point to the following:  Imagined Fear(s) + Worry combined.  When we are living in fear (real or imagined) and when we worry about those fears (real or imagined), we are experiencing anxiety.  When our anxiety catches on fire, then we experience panic.  Just like anger on fire leads to feelings of rage, the same is true with generalized anxiety.  We are anxious and we know it, but when it catches on fire, we go into panic mode.

Today's blog post is how to interrupt your anxiety and/or panic modes by having access to your own anti-anxiety and anti-panic porta-pack.  These are the things you can carry with you to help you quickly come out of that altered state of consciousness and get back to the "now" of your present life.

Oh by the way, these suggestions are for when you are away from home and unable to pursue some of the other techniques that work to instantly calm you/bring you back to "now" reality.  Such as....each hand holding onto an ice cube for as long as you can stand it....walking barefoot in the snow or on a cold-enough driveway/road for as long as you can stand it...jumping into a super warm or super cold shower...putting your face or both hands into a bowl of ice water for as long as you can stand it, etc. etc.  Heat and cold have a way of zapping us back to where we need to come back to when we experience emotional chaos to any significant degree...

All you will need for your own personal porta-pack is a small zippered pouch or ziplock bag (either works!).  Inside your pack, you can include the following items:

1.  Individually wrapped alcohol swabs.

Kind of like the baby sister of smelling salts without knocking you out, an individual alcohol swab, when opened, can be used to "sniff" you back into reality instantly without harming you.  Remember, anything you use which "grounds" you back into real life and right now reality (instead of what you are worrying and/or panicking over inside your head) is a good thing in these moments.

2.  Individually wrapped super sour hard candy.

My clients love everything from the super sour Warheads brand powder (which comes in its own individualized triangular packet), and/or any other sour/super sour candy that makes you go YUCK! instead of YUM!  (LOL)  Clients of mine have also used Altoids breath mints for this purpose (very strong and unpleasant enough flavor).  Whatever hard candy or mints you can suck on will work here.

3.  "Mini" containers of hot sauce, lemon juice, and/or other "liquid"-based hot/sour/bitter substance that can be dropped onto the tongue (just a drop or two...not the whole bottle!).  Functions the same as would the hard and sour candy/breath mints.

4.  Fidget/squeeze/pull/light up device (spinner, sqeeze toy, roller with "spikes"...whatever works that doesn't cause you to pick at and/or otherwise interfere with your own skin/hair/nails (cuticles, feet, eyelashes, eyebrows, etc.). 

5.  Gum with strong scent/flavor.  

6.  Affirmation notecard (to read).  "It's just a feeling.  This feeling cannot hurt me.  This feeling will pass.  I need to slow down my breathing.  I will slow it down now so each breath in and out takes me ten seconds.  Starting now..."

7.  Hydroxyzine emergency stash (anti-histamine).  By prescription for short-term use by PCP.  Non addictive, but can make you drowsy as it calms you.  Offered under assorted brand names including Vistaril and Atarax. Designed for short-term relief and not long-term anxiety management.

8.  "Mini" essential oil(s) of choice for fragrance that calm/sooth and/or energize/stimulate depending on your preference (lavender, mint, eucalyptus, citrus, etc.).

Beyond these items which you can carry with you or have quick access to (at work or in your vehicle), keep in mind that you can also use your phone as a means to obtain instant help through appropriate apps that are designed specifically for anxiety/panic reduction.  Without naming names, some are free and others require a paid subscription.  You may also go to youtube (free!) and type in the search box "How to Calm Down Right Now"....and you'll be amazed what pops up for you to consider watching. 

No anxiety or panic attack has killed a single soul.  It generally feels like it will, but it doesn't.  Also, no anxiety or panic attack lasts as long as you fear it will.  On average, the "worst" of anxiety and panic-related symptoms involve just 3-5 minutes.  Keep that in mind as you practice slower and deeper breathing for 3-5 minutes once the symptoms begin!  

Square breathing (Navy Seals approved!) is one extremely effective method of slowing down your breathing and reducing each in-and-out cycle of breath to last at least 10-12 seconds.  The goal is to be able to breath in-and-out no more than six times per minute of time.  If you can reduce that number down to five breaths/minute---even better.

The pattern for square breathing is this:  Inhale through your nose for a count of at least 3-5 seconds, then hold your breath for at least 2-3 seconds, then exhale through your mouth for 4-6 seconds, and then hold your breath again for at least 2-3 seconds before you repeat the process (inhale-hold-exhale-hold-inhale-hold-exhale-hold..)

Anxiety and panic can be a fact of life for many of us, but it loses its power over us when we have the tools (and use them!) to quickly and effectively reduce the intensity and frequency of any given episode.

Until next post.... 

or 

How Many Times....???

How many times....do we need to repeat history before we understand what we can do to change it?  As you may have surmised, I am not talking about those parts of our history that we love and enjoy doing (or not doing!).  Instead, I am speaking of the mistakes we make in our relationship lives that leave us or our chosen "person" feeling hurt, angry, lonely, confused, sometimes guilty, and definitely ashamed.

There is an older man on youtube that I watched last night who presented a short 13 minute video.  In it, he talked about his wife who recently died---and how he didn't learn the biggest lesson about their marital relationship until after she had passed.  He said that shortly before she died, she mentioned how they spent too much time being "right" rather than being connected as a couple.  She didn't share this with him while angry or otherwise upset;  he claimed she just said it while they were having one of their last conversations.

The majority of the video talked about how he realizes (now) the things he did (to be "correct" and to be "right") at her/their expense as a couple.  She asked him to go dancing with her.  He didn't do it.  She asked him to take a pottery class.  He didn't do that either.  In other words, the things she suggested to help them "connect" emotionally as a couple---he didn't see the value of in those moments of opportunity.

Not unlike most "responsible" partners in a marriage, this husband had other stuff to do day in and day out like working in his career to provide for his family...fix the things he was capable of fixing both inside and outside of their property...and fulfill their family obligations as pertaining to their kids, relatives, friends, and other loved ones.

What this husband forgot about was the importance of experiencing "into-me-you-see" intimacy with his wife on an emotional level.  He claimed to "know" her as they had been married for over 35 years; on the other hand, he had no idea she so deeply missed the emotional connection they once shared in the early years of their marriage.

How many times do we fixate on being "right" only to miss the bigger picture of what's going on in our own life and relationships?  And please don't misunderstand, being "right" in this regard pertains to saying and doing things that are "appropriate" and "correct" and align with "the rules" as one perceives them to exist.  Kind of like having to eat dinner every day at 5:30PM like clockwork and don't mess with the schedule.  Or don't forget there are NO scheduled events for this family during football season outside of attending and/or watching "the game".  Like that.  Being "right" and being "correct" as a lifestyle puts us inside a cage we may not recognize as just that.  Then when someone comes along to show us there is abundant life outside of that cage, we resist.  And we keep resisting until the other person gives up.  How sad.  This wife....she gave up.  She gave up and now she's deceased.

---------

I just had someone tell me the other day in great detail what she does from the time she gets up each morning until she's "ready" to go out around 2:00PM each day.  And sometimes...she chooses not to go out anywhere because "it's too cold" or "it's too hot" or "I just don't feel like it today".  This is the same person who is seeking a life partner after the death of her spouse earlier last year.  After discussing what room she feels she can make for a new "person" in her life these days---she said without skipping a beat the following: "Well, it'd be the best if he was a lot like me already."  No kidding!  That IS the truth.  Yet who even notices that kind of truth until things blow up and couples end up going their separate ways?

Whether we get separated by death or by choice, to be emotionally intimate with someone IS foundational to achieving genuine "into-me-you-see" intimacy with one another.  Not just once, or ten times, or even fifty times---but throughout the entire relationship!  Without authentically understanding each other and being willing to "do" for the other person as an act of loving sacrifice when asked---there can be no connection.  Then we are just being polite and remaining distant if we stay together.

Food for thought as we hit mid-month in this first of the new year of 2026.

Until next post...

When Saying "I Don't Know.." is a Big Problem (for you!)

People tell each other "I don't know.." way more often than they realize.  Beyond the fact that this simple phrase is the easiest excuse in the book to get out of most things (self-awareness chief among them!)...today's post is all about breaking this bad habit and why it's so important to do so!

I mentioned self-awareness above all else because there are those of us who avoid self-awareness like we avoid going to the dentist for a root canal.  The idea of it just hurts too much.  Self-awareness translated means that we understand what we did or did not do that was wrong/hurtful/self-serving/cold-hearted/evil/self-destructive (and whatever else "bad"!) to ourselves and/or one or more others.  Kind of like finding out you've behaved like a genuine jerk (or worse!) more often than not to your only sibling for most of your life.  Or your spouse.  Or your child.  Or your best friend.  (Need I go on?)  Much easier to avoid all that garbage by simply stating "I don't know.." when asked about the incident, the relationship, your reaction to "what happened", etc.

For sure it is much easier to proclaim "I don't know!" when you'd rather not remember and know for real and for sure what you did/didn't do that was truly bad.

My uncle is deceased now.  Has been for a long time.  While he was alive, he tolerated me more than anything else.  He may have been kinder to me when I was very very young;  I have a photo of us when I'm about three years old as we are both smiling at the camera.  He is playing his accordian...and I have a single finger on the key of middle C.  That's the only photo I possess of "us" where we are smiling at the same time.  

Since that time, it was made clear to me that unless I was "serving" him in some way (including conversationally!)---I was useless to him.  He wasn't and wouldn't be the first person in my life to have treated me that way.  Fortunately or unfortunately for his wife (my aunt)--she was all about being the dutiful wife to him during the nearly 60 years they were married.  I would call her up on the phone, and I would hear "I can't talk now...your uncle needs his cottage cheese and peaches." ...and she'd hang up!  Believe me when I tell you that the distance between their kitchen and where he was sitting was less than ten feet.  He was perfectly capable of getting his own dish of cottage cheese and peaches, but didn't.  So it was like that.  Serve him...or be invisible to him.  End of.

For a long time if anyone asked me what my uncle was like, I would say "I don't know." because I really did NOT know what he was like.  And for a long time, I didn't care to find out either.  He never really had an honest conversation with me about anything.  Unless the subject matter was something "he" wanted to discuss, he wasn't interested in chatting about "it" whatever "it" was.  Not until he was stuck in a rehab facility for the last 2-1/2 years of his life did I get to know and understand him better, because he couldn't ignore me.  I'd go to visit him....and he couldn't leave the room or building to get away from me.

During those 2-1/2 years, I learned a lot about my uncle...primarily because of his answers to my questions, when he felt like answering.  Yet I wouldn't let up on visiting him....and I kept asking questions.  Ultimately, it became clear to me how disappointed he was in his own plans to be cared for in the way he wanted by his distant relative in another country.  He tried to orchestrate the situation to go his way, but his distant relative only had him in his home (that my uncle purchased for them) once---and then said my uncle couldn't stay there.  Oops!  

So when my uncle subsequently ended up in rehab, while my aunt remained in their condo...he was definitely frustrated.  As it turned out, this distant relative of his didn't visit him in the rehab with his family, although everything this distant relative had was purchased with my aunt and uncle's nest egg.  I know my uncle became self-aware in ways he would have avoided like the plague if he could.  He made some really big mistakes due to really big errors in judgment.  Hey, it happens.  My aunt learned to forgive him by the time he died---and so did I.  He was just looking to control his preferred outcomes he, in truth, had no control over in the first place...

I tell you this story because our lives are like that.  We make our plans....and then God laughs.  We knowingly or unknowingly do or don't do "right" things because we have made poor choices with only our own needs' satisfaction in mind.  We are human.  We are messed up.  How long we remain messed up is truly "up" to each of us.  

If we keep up with this "I don't know" shtick whenever we are asked something we don't feel like answering....we'll stay messed up until we die.  That's the way it is, period.

We would not like to think of ourselves as selfish gits, but we are.  All of us.  We may seduce our way into getting what we want out of someone else...or we may engage in what I've referred to often in this blog as "self-serving" negotiations.  And then...if all goes according to our own plan, we'll be fine because we got what we wanted from him/her/them.  Yet when we don't....we then decide if what we wanted in the first place is worth fighting over.  Or...we walk away and find another target to meet our need(s).  Or we may even leave the relationship altogether.  It all depends on how invested we are in what we want from others and what extent we will go to in getting it.

When was the last time you said "I don't know" to someone and you knew the subject matter was something you'd rather not discuss---like ever?  "How much did you drink last night?"  "How fast were you driving when you skidded off the road like that?"  "How did she end up with that black eye?"  "Why do you keep asking me for these outrageous sums of money every month or so like clockwork?"

In the end, if you don't choose to be aware about your own choices and decisions and what they led to in the way of natural consequences....that IS your choice.  But for those of us who know you, care about you, perhaps love you----you sell us all short by continuing with this "I don't know" stuff like we are stupid.  We're not stupid and neither are you.

Some things just need to be brought into the light so we all can reap the benefits of you getting better---and our relationship improving as a result!

So do your work.  We all have our work to do.  Don't avoid it.  It's unbecoming to you.

Until next post....

New Year.....Now What? (2026)

Instead of setting ourselves up for failure with this new year of 2026, I have an idea!  Not my idea mind you, but an idea worth sharing.  Try developing micro-habits rather than believing in the pursuit of broad-sweeping resolutions.  And what are micro-habits you may wonder?  They are the little things that we can start doing, right now and every day (or every other day, or every week!) in order to become comfortable with change(s) that eventually morph into real life and right now "better" habits.  As we discover when practicing micro-habits, we will want to practice them for longer and more often over time.  That's the good news about doing better and being better throughout each and any new year as it comes...and goes.

Let's start looking at some of the things you can do to better care for your technologically-saturated self in 2026 while, at the same time, more effectively protect your mental, spiritual, and physical health:

1.  Start "unsubscribing" to your email clutter.  Regardless of how many email accounts you have, it's a good place to start.  Even if you unsubscribe from two things every other day, your inbox(es) will be cleared out of it's incoming "not-junk-but-is-now-junk" in no time!  I was SO over seeing the same emails from Harbor Freight (I don't even know who they are or what they do!) coming in as "Other" inbox emails.  They're done.  Unsubscribed.  Big Yay.

2.  Delete any unused apps, games, and files from your phone....and your laptop/desktop computer.  Same logic applies as 1. above!

3.  Back up your important photos, documents, and contacts.  If you aren't sure how to do that, ask ChatGPT or Perplexity.AI...or any AI-based "assistant" who can point you in a right direction.  Or.... your enlightened adult kid/grand(s)---whomever you have good-enough access to assist you.

4.  Review your current online accounts and passwords.  Decide which need to go and which can stay.  Then update your passwords and document them for those key accounts you intend to keep using in 2026.

4.  Instead of not accepting, keeping, or tracking your receipts for purchases, do this for a month.  Then identify your spending pattern for that month.  Do it again next month.  And the next.  Through this process, you will certainly know what your patterns are that you may have never noticed before---and choose to change accordingly.  (Like the client who was spending on average $300 a month inside 7-11 buying "stuff" to eat/drink at work each day!  Or the "Amazon shopper" who realized how easy it was to spend $1,000 in a couple of months on "gadgets"!)

5.  Set your boundaries regarding your time spent "working", versus your time on screens for each month of the new year.  If your work is primarily online, then establish "when" you can and will be offline each day for your own mental health's sake.  Without realizing, too many of us are on screens 16+ hours each day between our work, phones, and other devices---and haven't even noticed!  The Mills-Gen Alpha generations understand this reality better than the rest of us do...

6.  Delete your old screenshots and duplicate photos, files, and documents....or anything else that doesn't serve you "now".  I am notorious for texting clients screenshots of youtube videos I suggest he/she/they watch.  Not a good plan to let them pile up in my phone over time!

7.  Make a micro-habit of wiping down your screens and keyboard(s) at least once each week.  If you have a desktop, clear it and wipe down all surfaces once a week.

8.  Unfollow accounts that drain you of your energy...or your time!  Which leads to 9. below...

9.  Consider detoxing yourself from those accounts you have become addicted to.  For me, it was Tik Tok.  If an hour can go by and it felt like 10 minutes, you ARE addicted.  Start by pursuing "Dry January" as it pertains to whichever account you know you spend way too much time watching each day.  If that's too hard, cut your time "watching" in half for one month.  Then cut it in half again the second month, etc.

10.  If your phone is connected to you like the plague, try keeping it at home for a day and see how it feels to be without it.  Then, after you are used to this change, make it two days. Eventually, you may have your phone "with" you, but you won't be glued to it like you once were.  You may actually NOT RESPOND/ANSWER when it is a non-emergency incoming call!  Imagine that!?  Believe me, there was a time when all of us did NOT have a phone immediately accessible to us and guess what?  We lived through it!  You can too!  

As an aside, people on dating apps are now sharing that any "date" who puts their phone on the table during dinner should translate to NO SECOND DATE FOR YOU!  I agree.  Who is SO important that their phone has to be visible to them no matter where they are?  Reminds me of the fool who was yelling about his stock trade over the phone in the dairy department at Meijer's years ago.  So. Important. NOT!  LOL

Technology has its perks, of course it does.  You just don't want to end up confused as to why you feel your technologies are controlling your life instead of the other way round...

Until next post....