Ambivalent...Much?

What is ambivalence?  Well, it's what 99.999% of us on this planet are experiencing right now as we struggle with (1) Covid-19, (2) violence in the streets, (3) election-related "drama", (4) personal economic hardship, (5) kids who can't handle "virtual" learning well at all, (6) active addicts who are being suddenly "detoxed" against their will because their vice-venues-of-choice are no longer open....and all else that has turned our genuine sense of "Who am I/how am I/what am I to do now?!" upside down and sideways!

When Hamlet recited those famous words, "To be...or not to be...that is the question..", he was talking about his own deepest struggles with ambivalence.   When we don't know what we are to do when we are stuck with highly conflicted thoughts and feelings about (you name it!)----that's ambivalence in action.  In Hamlet's case, he was contemplating his own death...and by his own hand.

Back when borderline personality disorder was being introduced into the public domain, one of the first books published about this particular personality disorder was entitled "I Hate You...Don't Leave Me!"  That title says it all when it comes to understanding ambivalence in the context of our close personal relationships. We may absolutely hate someone, but at the same time we absolutely can't be left alone either.  Notice I put the focus on "left alone" as I typed that---not "left alone without so-and-so person in my life"!  That's what makes borderlines unique from your run-of-the-mill ambivalence sufferer.  BPD'ers treat people like objects (including themselves of course!), so it's not the person that (note:  THAT...not "who"!) will be missed if they leave, so much as it is the idea of a "body" not being on deck to fill up the BPD'ers  daily need bucket on demand.  But I digress...back to ambivalence and the focus of today's blog post!

In his online article "Is Ambivalence a Hidden Factor in Much of Human Misery?", author Peter Michaelson points out that ambivalence is "a tortured state of mind that involves failing to reach a coherent point of view on a subject one feels strongly about.  This psychological impasse contains elements of indecision, cynicism, confusion, and mixed feelings."  What Michaelson adds is that under its influence, a person "hovers in pronounced self-doubt, unable to feel or even to imagine a genuine or authentic self capable of assuming inner authority."  BINGO!  

I am reminded of a former client who kept meeting the same "boyfriend" repeatedly after she became widowed.  In spite of meeting and dating several "decent" guys who she ultimately found "boring", this woman chose men (as boyfriends) who were sex addicts.  Don't balk.  It's a thing for many women to find themselves "attracted" to without realizing (and we won't go there today about childhood sexual abuse survivors and their own inner "pull" towards the sex-addict-as-partner once they grow up!). 

In her case, these relationships she chose repeatedly ended with "shocking betrayals" to do with all things sex and/or sex-related (cross dressing, disturbing pornography, chronic masturbation to pornography, infidelity with one or more partners, invitation to be involved in sexual paraphilia-related activities, etc.). 

And nobody figured out what was going on from a sex addiction angle?  Sheesh!  That's ambivalence for you!

As Michaelson reminds us, ambivalence is not ambiguity.  It's not like one of those optical illusion portraits where you can't tell if you are looking at a group of ladies sitting down for tea, or a human skull.  And in spite of humanity struggling with indecision or mixed feelings as a general rule when we do, that's not what ambivalence is either.  Indecision and mixed feelings do not typically involve misery and suffering!  When we have an issue, problem, or opportunity---we focus on solving, resolving, dissolving, or pursuing whatever "it" is that requires appropriate and timely action on our own part.  We process what we face with an objective mindset and rational thought so we can come to a reasonable and effective solution, resolution, or "next step" action.  This is "normal". With ambivalence, however, we don't think through our "issues" or our "problems" or even our own "opportunities" rationally;  instead, we default to viewing these situations, circumstances, and people through the lens of our own unresolved inner conflict(s)! 

People who struggle with ambivalence as an inner state of being often do seek other people who are also this way.  As pointed out in Michaelson's article, "by enlisting another person to share their confusion, they are able to lessen the inner guilt they feel for chronically experiencing situations as if they are being pushed into a passive corner.  "See, others feel this way too!" is their inner defense claim."  No sh** Sherlock!  I have met these people in my life and times.  Heck, I've been one of these people in my life and times with my own inner circle "peeps".

Ambivalence truly is its own brand of inner passivity.  It is part of our human condition involving the "unconscious willingness" and determination to identify with our own weakened sense of self.  We love ourselves, but we hate ourselves too.  (Geez, sound familiar?!)  This disconnect from ourselves lead us to struggle with chronic self-doubt and self-alienation when and as we do.

It is a fascinating topic for those of us who want to know better in order to do better in our own lives.  Check out Peter Michaelson's article online:  "Is Ambivalence a Hidden Factor in Much of Human Misery?".  It's worth the read.  

Until next post...

Before You Blame Yourself...

When we blame ourselves, we have to recognize whether our guilt is legitimate....or not.  When we accept blame for something we had no power or control over changing, our feelings of "guilt" are not legitimate.  In fact, they are toxic.  People who struggle with codependency typically accept blame for situations, circumstances, and other people's decisions that would have occurred anyway.  This is unfortunate.  Nobody can "make" someone or something else change in accordance to their own will.  Think about that.  Only God is able to genuinely inspire, encourage, and motivate someone to do or to "be" what does not come naturally to them.  

In his book, "Thinking Errors, Faulty Conclusions, and Cognitive Therapy for Trauma-Related Guilt", author Edward S. Kubany presents several errors in thinking that leads trauma survivors to blame themselves for the trauma(s) they experienced.   Here they are:

Hindsight Bias:

When we often falsely believe that we "knew" the traumatic event was going to happen...and/or that we overlooked all the signs and signals indicating what was about to occur.  This error in thinking creates the illusion that we somehow "knew" what the outcome would be and, as a result, we distort the reality of what actually took place.  We falsely conclude that we could have avoided the trauma, and unfairly blame ourselves for things we had no way of predicting.

This is extremely common.  "I shouldn't have gone over there again after the first time it happened!  I didn't stop it.  I kept going back!"  (This from a young woman who was under the age of 8 at the time and being molested by her older male cousin whenever she and her parents went over to their home to "visit" for the evening...)

Exaggerating One's Role in Events:

Every traumatic event has many contributing factors, but we have a tendency to magnify our own role in what took place.  Just like the example mentioned above, this same young woman said to me, "...the abuse was my fault because I didn't tell my aunt and uncle or my parents!"  The other factors that she failed to consider include:  why her cousin chose to abuse her, given there were other cousins (and siblings!) there also at the time....why both sets of parents left everyone alone in the basement for hours whenever the families "visited" each other....why either set of parents didn't address inappropriate behaviors that this male cousin consistently exhibited and that this victim never forgot (obsessively touching himself outside of his clothing, violently acting out when not getting his own way, etc.)...why her own parents refused to let her "stay home" when she complained about not wanting to go visit her aunt and uncle as a child, etc.

Magnifying our own role in the traumatic event once again distorts the reality of what genuinely occurred during that time.  For so many survivors, it is more disturbing to "know" that parents may have suspected or were aware of what was going on, but still chose to do nothing about it. Which, sadly, is also very common in cases of abuse involving immediate and/or extended family members.

No kidding, I have had parents say to me "Well, how else were they going to learn about sex?"  Yeah, no kidding!

Negatively Judging Our Own Decision Making:

"Why did I freeze?"  "Why didn't I tell?"  "Why didn't I fight him/her off?"  Our thinking changes dramatically when we are being actively threatened.  Options that may seem obvious to us when we are relaxed often do NOT come to mind in a dangerous situation when time is of the essence.  In emergency situations, we are hardwired to react in a way that our brain sees as the most viable option for survival.  We cannot consciously control whether we Fight, Run, Freeze, or Appease in these moments.  The guilt we feel about what we "should" have done back then becomes meaningless;  we did the best we knew to do...or not to do...at that time.  

Functioning as the "Sin Eater" for Someone Else:

When someone chooses to do the unimaginable (murder, suicide, child sexual abuse, etc.)...guess what? YOU ARE NOT to blame for their "sin".  Ironic how we tend to forget that fact.  We will take on the sin and the blame countless times over for people we have loved...and cared about. Listen, you don't have that much power, even if you were told you do!  Child sexual abuse survivors often experience toxic guilt for years and decades after their abuse because their perpetrator(s) told them, "You were just too irresistible for me to walk away from you."  W.T.F.?!?!  But that's how it can work.  Blame the anyone and everyone other than THEMSELVES for their OWN harmful behaviors committed against innocent others!  

If you are seeking a good education on how to heal in light of the unimaginable happening, look up Collier Landry's TED talk...or the ID discovery program "A Murder in Mansfield".  Landry's father killed his wife when Landry was 12 years old and buried her in the house.  Landry testified against him at the age of 12...and then spent most of his adult life attempting to free himself of the toxic guilt and shame associated with his former surgeon-father's heinous and murderous act.  It is worth watching.  We are ALL capable of healing and moving past the traumatic events we have previously allowed to define us.

Until next post....