The Codependent Trap - Part II

As I re-read my last post on codependence, I forgot to mention that codependent takers can be very charming...very persuasive...and of course very entertaining while going about the business of taking from you what they want. This is why being in a relationship with a codependent taker can feel so crazy-making. The "nice" takers don't yell and scream or pout and stew while demanding what they want from you; they just keep on "being nice" (and wearing you down!) until you give in to them. I just recently heard of a couple where the boyfriend asked his girlfriend to come sit closer to him while they were watching t.v. together. She didn't feel like it. And she said so. Being the codependent taker that he was, that wasn't o.k. with him. He couldn't graciously accept her "not now" answer. Instead, he suggested she have another glass of wine. A little while later, he suggested that the couch she was sitting on was probably more uncomfortable than where he was sitting. Are you catching my drift here? Before she knew it, she just went and sat by him---even though she still didn't want to. So what's the problem? The problem was/is that for every time her boyfriend "took" from her (in this case emotionally) in this way, it was like adding another notch labeled "I'm feeling resentful about this" to her mental and emotional inner roldex. Since her boyfriend was so good at getting his way with her...it didn't take long for her to see how she was being treated more like an object/possession than a human being with her OWN needs, wants, and desires separate and apart from his. Of course there were many more examples involving this particular couple, and in the end the girlfriend realized that her main issue (requiring healing and change) had to do with her own status as a codependent giver.

So what is a codependent giver? This is the person who feels over-responsible for the happiness, well-being, and contentment of someone else. My famous one-liner describing the codependent giver is this: the codependent giver is drowning and somebody else's life is flashing before their eyes! This is in sharp contrast to the codependent taker who is drowning and using the nearest available body as their flotation device!

Please do not make the mistake of viewing the codependent giver as the sweet grandma or good-girl/great-guy type of person. Codependent givers can be very difficult to be in a relationship with as well. Why is this so? Because codependent givers typically have a WHOLE lot of expectations associated with their giving! They don't just give away what they do for nothing! They want approval, acceptance, and love as a result of their giving! They want to feel valued, worthwhile, and "needed". As a result, when you forget or don't think to "give back" to the codependent giver...there is often hell to pay. This is especially true when the codependent giver actually is brave enough (or upset enough) to actually ask you for something. Codependent givers are notorious for saying, "After all I've done for you?!?" when they don't get what they want from the person they have selected to "do" for them. And even if they don't say it out loud...believe me, they are thinking it. Otherwise, why bother with all that indiscriminant giving? What's the point? Last time I checked this wasn't the way to make it into Heaven or achieve Mother Theresa status in our society. Codependent givers (at their worst) are often described as "martyrs", "rescuers", "fixers", and "savers"...and not in a flattering way. Anyone who has been in a relationship with a codependent giver long enough understands that there will ALWAYS be a price to pay sooner or later. Especially when you, as their significant other, is not yourself a codependent "taker".

Which leads me to what happens when two codependent givers get together (as a couple) or when two codependent takers get together. Believe me, it can be ugly! Think about it; two codependent givers find each other. Starts out great. "I love you!" "No, I love you more." "No, I love you more than more my darling." blah blah blah And everything may seem and be fine for a while...until someone stops giving back to the other in line with the other's expectations. Then what happens? The giving, of course, is directed ELSEWHERE! Remember what I just said about wanting approval, acceptance, and love as a result of all that giving? If you can't get it anymore at home...you gotta find the place or persons where you can, right? And this is what happens. Over and over again. "Everything was great and then my husband just started hanging out more at his sister's house.." "My wife will drop everything to go and do her friend's hair just because she called and asked.." "My husband is obsessed with his son from his first marriage.." Stuff like this. Wherever the approval, acceptance, and love is going to be "felt" as a result of one's codependent giving..that's where the codependent giver will go. Always.

When two codependent takers get together...life can be one big party, or one big nightmare, depending on the couple. With codependent takers, these folks are not at all interested in acceptance, approval, and love. They are instead most interested in achieving control, power, and pleasure. They want what they want and when they get it, it makes them feel "good"---only until another want pops up that they have to satisfy. As such, two takers are either going to pair up in order to basically kill two birds with one stone---or morph into the couple from hell (fighting all the time, using and abusing one another without a second thought, alternately neglecting or over-indulging their kids, etc. etc.). In the end, codependent takers are never satisfied enough...and usually have a long trail of discarded relationships behind them.

When a codependent giver is coupled with a codependent taker, it is anybody's call as to how long the relationship will last before it self destructs. I've seen codependent givers give all the way to the grave..only to be "appreciated" to some extent after their taker widow or widower finds that their "replacement" isn't as good a giver as the most recently deceased spouse. I've also seen this dynamic played out with young couples who are not married. "Yeah, we broke up and she had no idea how good she had it with me until she went through three more boyfriends and saw they weren't going to "give" to her as good as I did." Seriously? Like this is something to be proud of? Spare me! IMHO this is like saying "I was a better drug for her than anybody else she would or could ever find." Yes, that's what we should all aspire to; a relationship that feels like that between an addict and his or her favorite drug of choice. NOT! On the taker side of this same equation, I've seen takers who just get "fed up" with the expected giving that isn't coming their way fast enough or consistently enough. "I'm the one who goes to work everyday; is it so difficult to make me a meal every night that I can enjoy?!" Yes, maybe it is. So get over it Jack (or Jill). Nobody owes you a good moment, a good day, or a good life. If you want a good meal every night after work, how about making it yourself sometimes or ordering it for home delivery? I've also seen takers who divorce their giver spouses only to end up with another taker that puts them in "giver" mode by default. Kind of like paying yourself back with someone 100 times worse than your last spouse could ever be. But that's how we can be as people. Codependent, mixed up, and mixing it up even more when we refuse to see what we refuse to see...

Next time, what the "appropriate" interdependent relationship looks like.

The Codependent Trap - Part I

I've had a lot to say about codependency over the years. So many people don't even know what "it" is in a way that is easily understood. I get that. It's hard to try and describe a relationship dynamic that so many of us just fall "naturally" into. If it helps, codependency is NOT a new or western culture-based phenomenon. It's been around since the beginning of mankind; much in the same way as fear, shame, blame, and anger.
So...what exactly is a codependent relationship? To start, a codependent relationship is one where a person does not know how to move freely between their "dependent" "independent" and "interdependent" status. (More on that in a bit!) As a result, instead of being appropriately "interdependent" in their relationships, the codependent person experiences relationships in extremes: they function as either givers (giving to one or more "others" in an unhealthy way) or as takers (taking too much from one or more "others" in an unhealthy way). In the process of living life in this codependent way, codependent people struggle with ongoing feelings of guilt, hurt, anger, and lonliness (not necessarily in that order...but these are the "top four" painful feelings associated with the codependent lifestyle).
So---back to how dependence, independence, and interdependence play out in the codependent person's life. When we are born...we are all completely dependent. We can't ask our mothers for milk when we are hungry; we can't change our own diapers when required, and we certainly don't know how to tell our parents stop yelling. Inotherwords, we are DEPENDENT. We could literally DIE without our mother or father's help in keeping us alive and well ON A DAILY BASIS. As we get a bit older, we start to find out there is a big wide world around us outside of our mother's embrace. This is normal...and this is the beginning of our transition from "dependent" status to "independent" status. Regardless of what we are (bird, fish, duck, chimp) or who we are (human)...everything and everyone has been designed to function "independently" as they grow and mature. The age at which this happens varies depending on the species (bird, fish, duck, chimp)...but doesn't vary much at all within the same species. The same, unfortunately, is not true for us human beings. Instead of being "grown up" and "mature" and "independent" by around the same age...we are all over the map. There are 48 year old men who may know how to dress themselves real nice and take women out on dates, but whose primary source of income comes from mommy or daddy. There are 35 year old women who smoke, drink, and party like it's 1999...and then wonder why they can't keep a job for more than 9-12 months. I think you get the picture here. Instead of becoming and being "independent", many people get stuck in their "dependent" status long past the age of 16 or 18 or 21. As such, these individuals learn to function as life's codependent "takers". To complicate matters, this is NOT the only way to become a codependent taker in one's life and relationships. The spoiled brats of life, the lazy bums of life, and the "the world owes me" narcissists of life are just three "more" groups that so easily fall into and "fit" the codependent taker profile. Instead of functioning independently from others and "pulling their own weight"...these folks literally want and expect others to "do" for them just because they do! To say that codependent takers are the "high maintenance" people of life is putting it mildly. Codependent takers are also often oblivious to the pain and frustration they cause others because their OWN pain always takes front and center stage in their day-to-day lives. They want what they want when they want it...and eventually learn to expect others to "mind read" what they want without having to ask for it directly! This is especially true when codependent takers hook up and/or are married to codependent givers. "What do you mean you didn't know what I needed? Haven't we been together long enough for you to figure it out?!" Stuff like that. Very frustrating. Very dysfunctional. And very very wrong.

Next time, we'll focus on the development of the codependent giver...