Be Present. Be Grateful. Be Real.

I have a wooden snake in my office that a friend made for me.  She asked what words I wanted burnt into it in three spots.  You see my choices in the title of today's blog post:  be present....be grateful...and be real.  

If you ever wondered what the fundamental rules of engagement are for a decent-enough start to our own healing and recovery journey....this would be it.  Today's post talks about what it takes to genuinely practice being present, being grateful, and being real.  It is not as easy as you may have otherwise presumed...

What does it even mean to "be present"?  Many would claim that it's about spending quality time with one's chosen person(s).  Even though being present can be very easily interpreted in this way, I didn't choose that reason for these words being emblazoned on my office snake.  My own "be present" has the most to do with fully living in the "now" moments of our lives, without drifting off mentally to the past, or to the future---even when that means five minutes from "now".  

We do this way too often in our relationship lives and it is a very bad habit.  We drift mentally.  We go back to the past...or fantasize and/or worry about the future...and we miss out on the present!  

We act "as if" we are listening to the other person....but we are really thinking about what we want to make for dinner tonite and wouldn't mac and cheese be a great and easy pick given what's in the cupboard at home?  Yeah, it can definitely go down like that.  We, in fact, spend so much time inside our heads regarding "other stuff" besides what is right in front of us right now.  NO WONDER that relationships can go belly up when and how they do.  We have to pay attention to the "now".  We disrespect ourselves and the person(s) who we are involved with in the "now" when we can't or won't "do" the practice of being fully present for him/her/them.  

Being present for someone means that when something is said to you, you let that other person know that you both heard and understand what he/she/they said.  That's the first thing.  Or you can ask for clarification if what they said confuses you and/or instantly triggers you to feel angry and/or hurt.  Or you can thank them if what was said and shared encourages, inspires, and/or motivates you.  

Yes, of course there are people who are most invested in getting their own way as often as possible when with other people....but that is another separate issue.  If you practice being present, you may find that you learn more than you ever thought possible about the person you are speaking with/listening to.  I mention this now because we are so quick to presume we "know" someone better than anyone else does---and then one or more bombs drop right in the middle of our so-called "good" relationship! 

One of the biggest mistakes many people make is to assume he/she/they already "know" who their person of choice truly and genuinely is mentally, emotionally, and spiritually---when they don't.  I can recall someone who dated his girlfriend for five years (yes, I did say five years!) before she "noticed" that he was a raging racist.  Seriously?  Five years into the romance?  What the...?!?  She did end up breaking up with him over this, but why did it take five years to figure that one out?  That's what I am talking about here!  Nobody wants to be "bad surprised" by a fact of someone else's life and then respond with the classic:  "I had no idea he/she/they were like that!"  Okay then!

OBTW, I just read a story online the other day about a pedophile who was finally caught after years of having his students send him sexually explicit content...as his wife and mother in law claimed clueless status when he was arrested while driving in the car with them.  Seriously?  Wow. People sure can be just plain D-U-M-B!  Yet this is what can happen when we don't or won't practice being present in our everyday interactions and relationship life....

When we practice meaning what we say, saying what we mean, and not saying it mean and in a timely manner (which means as soon as "it" happens and we need to respond with what we need to respond with "now"!)...we are setting ourselves up for NOT being or remaining present with anyone at all.  For example, when someone says to me, "I want to die!  I can't stand being here anymore. I am going to kill myself I swear it!" --do you think I will respond with, "Hey!  Did you ever try getting Big Mac sauce on a regular cheeseburger at McDonald's?  I hear it is really good and so much cheaper than ordering a Big Mac!"  Spare me.  Yet we do this all the time to each other.  We are NOT present, we are NOT paying attention, and we certainly are NOT responding to what has just been said or shared to foster mutual understanding!  

Undiagnosed and/or untreated ADHD (predominantly inattentive type) is a HUGE factor which contributes to this sorry state of affairs with a general inability to practice being present.  The same can be said of those who are on the spectrum for Autism (ASD), but don't know it "yet".  Yet, when combined together (ASD and ADHD), it's like Nancy Drew and Sherlock Holmes had a baby!  Not only are these folks "present", but to the point of noticing every little detail of the "now" surrounding them.  That wouldn't be a problem if what they noticed included what was being said and shared with them, but that isn't always the case.  One of those, another issue for another blog post moments....

Next post, what it means to be grateful as part of our healing and recovery path for 2025....

A New Path for 2025....

If you ever want to get a good laugh (because laughter IS the best medicine) regarding humanity's issues around mental health, check out temu.com.  Yes, that's right!  Temu.com.  What does Temu have to do with mental health?  I myself thought nothing at all until I happened to type in "mental health funny" in the Temu search box.  Here are some of the things I read:

"I don't have anxiety;  I have bonus feelings."  "Even my anxiety has anxiety."  "You're about as helpful as a white crayon."  "Inner peace begins with four words:  Not my f(*&#ing problem."

...and it goes on from there.

So, what about that chronic and intense anxiety (Imagined Fear + Worry combined!)...our need to "find" whomever(s) to save/fix or rescue us....and our constant struggle between living in peace versus living in pieces?  

Although Temu found its own unique ways to address these issues using humor, I suggest that we consider a longer-lasting approach.  We can embark on a new path (for ourselves) in 2025.  Like one of my favorite memes states:  "Let the tears you shed in 2024 water the seeds you plant in 2025.."  No kidding.

Why not give yourself permission for this new year of 2025 to be the year that you didn't keep watering the same crappy seeds you did from last year and/or keep searching for different band aids to treat those gaping wounds in your soul.  Instead, this can be your year to dedicate to your own respect-based self care as relentlessly and as devotedly as you would building a brand new home on a genuinely solid foundation.  Without respecting yourself truly and deeply, which starts by learning and practicing how to do that, you will remain stuck and lost when it comes to your own mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Remember as a child when you were first exposed to a large enough group of same-aged peers more often than not?  Do you remember feeling good enough about yourself as a kid UNTIL some other kid, or group of kids, singled you out in a consistently negative way?  I certainly do.  Those experiences planted the seeds of disrespect within my heart because I was being treated disrespectfully....and no "adults" around me did anything about it!  My surname in school was the object of ridicule ("I can't say your name...who has a name like that?!...I think I'll call you (insert deragory new nickname here)..")  I was also the tallest and heaviest kid known to childkind at the time.  "Why are you so big?!"  "I'm half your size!"  Yeah, o.k....I kind of know that already---now STFU!  (I didn't say that, but however a child would think that at that age when angry beyond their own known capability---I was there emotionally!)

Given similar experiences I had at church with the kids my own age and older, I came to believe the following:  (1) I didn't matter, (2) I was worthy of disrespect and harsh judgment from others because of (1), and (3) other people, no matter what their age, were absolutely "better" than me.  Grant it, the kids at church were more "polite" about their feelings of disdain towards me because---they just ignored me altogether.  Thankfully, those encounters occurred only once a week instead of every day at school!  :-P

The perceived "truths" about myself as a result of my social interactions with kids my own age represented the crappy seeds that I watered and let grow out of control into noxious weeds by the time I was in 3rd grade.  Yikes!  

Your own experiences with learning how to view disrespecting yourself as an acceptable-enough way of life may have begun in different ways than mine.  Many of us had good-enough childhoods and didn't know what it was like to feel less than zero until....  Until you met your first bully at your first job.  Until you met your "first love" who never really loved you after all.  Until you got divorced from your first (or last!) spouse.  Until your child died.  Until you ended up getting a DUI for a problem you thought you never had.  Until you and/or your loved one was abused by someone you trusted implicitly.  Etc. Etc. Etc.

As Iyanla Vanzant, one of my favorite authors recently shared on Tik Tok, we need to live our lives if if nothing is wrong with us.  Wow, what a concept!  Anyone who has struggled like I have knows this is not an easy peasy transition to make on a daily basis.  But we DO have to start somewhere, dont' we?  Instead of assuming the worse about ourselves in any given situation or circumstance, how about if we start practicing our "powers of observation" techniques AS IF we were watching a movie in a movie theatre and/or working to gather evidence on a criminal case THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US PERSONALLY SPEAKING.  (!)  Another "Yikes!" moment there!  There is a whole level of stress and pressure that ends when we take the focus off of ourselves and onto what it is we are objectively, rather than subjectively, witnessing in real time which involves other people's interactions with or without us directly involved!

Newsflash:  Not "everything" that happens in life has anything to do with us personally!  That person who flipped you off in traffic....let them!  That sibling who just told you that you are a money-grubbing loser like everyone else in the family....let them!  (Unless you truly are that way, then you need a different kind of help!)  ;-)  The parent who keeps treating you like your 5 instead of 35 years old...let them!  

It has nothing to do with you personally, unless you are authentically and legitimately guilty of what you are being called out on.  Again, a whole other story when that's the case and not the focus of today's blog post!

When it comes to our daily interactions with whomever and whenever, just imagine how much easier our OWN lives will become over time when we stop jumping to the way-wrong conclusions (constantly enough that is!) about what we may have said or did or even in a way that we "looked" that we judge as (insert negative self-judgment here)!  This is NOT practicing self-respect, let alone the spiritual maturity that accompanies the cultivation of self-respect!  We have to adopt and practice the attitude (for real!) that "I'm o.k.;  I'm fine...and "I'm not him/her/that which I am being accused of---so let's move on here!" when someone starts shooting any emotionally poisoned darts at us.  

Self respect begins at home, which is more to do with a spiritual issue in case you didn't see it this way.  Everyone eventually has to face the "Big Five" questions of human existence;  if we keep avoiding or denying this reality in our own lives---we pay the price for that and not in a good way.  And are you really wanting to be that person whose spiritual world view is based solely on what someone else "told" you it is?  Are you kidding me right now?  Spiritual maturity and self respect go together like a hand in a glove.  There is no genuine self respect when our spiritual maturity is at...or is less than....zero! Especially when we have made a habit of letting other people function as our small "g" or large "G" god on any given day....or ourselves for that matter.  No thanks.

You are battling against yourself when you truly treat yourself like you're no good and of no good purpose to anyone at any time because...(insert self-destructive and self-disrespectful behavioral options and choices here)!  And OBTW, who doesn't know someone who literally ruined their own lives and/or who died "serving" someone else who was NOT worth such effort in the first placer?  Hello!  We all have done it!

Last post, I talked about the battle between our ego, our body, and our spirit...which is one of those facts of human existence that we cannot avoid or deny.  If you have to "be" right in order to feel like you are respecting (and accepting and loving and "taking good care of") yourself...you would be wrong.  Self respect has nothing to do with being right or spending a whole lot of time in your life and relationships having to "prove" yourself right to other people.  This is when our ego is in charge of our thinking, our feelings,and our behavioral choices.  By the way, external to our personal internal battle, "The World" is always busy working to convince humanity to "do" life its way!  Which, translated, means nobody can think for themselves independent of the world's "standard" of how we humans are supposed to function on a daily basis....  

Have you noticed yet that the "only" lasting way you truly and genuinely feel "good" about yourself is when you make "right" decisions and/or respond in a "right" way in any given situation or circumstance you face?  That doesn't happen when your ego and/or body is in charge of your life's path and direction.  All the money generated from workaholism or unethical/illegal business pursuits (Hello to all OnlyFans "stars" and subscribers out there!)...and all the plastic surgery in the world....does NOT make for a house built on the strongest foundation of self-respect and spiritual maturity both!

Our gaining spiritual maturity is in large part premised around us investing ourselves most in doing the right thing, as opposed to having to "be" right (ego) or "feel" right (body) as our go-to daily lifestyle choice.

The new path for 2025 is one where you start recognizing those bad and poisonous seeds you have been planting AND watering in your past, while at the same time cultivating a new garden with new seeds planted and watered within your own very soul/spirit.  You are worth it!  You do matter.  And there is no better feeling than the joy that accompanies being true to yourself and to others for all the right reasons, instead of the wrong ones.

Until next post...