Are You a Problem?...

Having worked with a wide variety of populations over the past 22 years, I will say that we humans like to believe that our fellow humans are more like us than unlike us---all in a "positive" way of course.  Whether we are operating from this false positive or the false negative point of view, not being able to see reality objectively (of self and others) is exactly what leads to too many of us walking blindly along the same dark and dysfunctional life's path for however long we do...

For example (and for those of you who already know this story, just skip ahead!), when I was a young 20-something, I cultivated a friendship with some pizza/gourmet grocery shop owners across the road from our home.  The husband was a very friendly older guy;  we "met" when I asked him about the sign posted behind his counter on the wall.  It said, "These premises are monitored by a 357 magnum three nights a week.  You guess which three nights."  Needless to say, he was funny and I liked that.  At the time, making me laugh was a primary criteria leading to our subsequent friendship.

I of course met his wife who also worked at the store....and his kids who were both teenagers at the time.  In fact, his wife was funnier than he was.  As a truly a laugh-a-minute family, I enjoyed hanging out with them in the "back room" when my husband was traveling abroad and bk (before kids).  These new friends would break out some wine, we'd eat pizza, and laugh our way through many a night talking about whatever struck our fancies.  We actually found we had lots of local people in common.  One of my old friends from a former employer was once engaged to his brother, before his brother was tragically killed.  One of his good friends was trying to pair up with my old roommate, who was his nearby neighbor.   Yikes what a small world we resided in at that time!  Their stories were also quite entertaining, as they were nearly twenty years older than myself and seemed to know all the good tea about the hometown we shared.

As our friendship evolved, "dad" said to me one day that I had better be mindful of the fact that in business, pretty much everyone is a crook.  Since I had my own business at that time (as a marketing consultant to small business), I replied that I, myself, wasn't a crook.  His response was as follows:  "You'll learn."  

Well, no kidding I DID learn---but what I learned was to refuse working for or with the crooks in this life rather than join them, how about that?  In the case of this particular friend and his wife, we kept our relationship social and did not mix business with pleasure.  They wanted to, but I always politely refused and referred them elsewhere.  Sadly, he was taken unexpectedly at the age of 52...and his surviving family shortly thereafter relocated to another state.  This was after nearly ten years of knowing each other as we had.

Yet I can admit that there were times in my life history when I was definitely a problem among my own social circle.  I was that 19 year old who would call you up to ask if you were free to join me at such-and-such disco Friday night---but then if I got a better offer between now and Friday, I'd conveniently "forget" to call you back and inform you of my change in plans.  Especially if who I was agreeing to go out with didn't like you as much as I did.  Sadly, I left many a friend confused about "What happened to Mary?" when I failed to show up or pick him/her/them up, etc. etc.  To confront me about this dysfunctional pattern of behavior was not going to end well.  I'd cut you off for a while, and then, if I began to actually miss your presence in my life---I'd call weeks later and behave as if nothing happened.  How these same friends remained in my life since that time speaks to the power of forgiveness and emotional maturity over time.  <3  

Of course we will meet people throughout our lives who impress us or vice versa---and then befriend us.  Yet what do we do when those revelations come to light regarding each other's conflicting core values and subsequent opportunities to do each other dirty?  (By making choices which make us feel "good" (usually at someone else's expense)/that are more personally profitable (without considering the ethics or legal ramnifications of our actions)/and/or to exact revenge on some real or imagined "enemy"?)  Think about that.  

Only today, I found out about a couple who has been married for nearly 30 years.  He just left.  No real explanation, he quietly filed for divorce, had his wife served at work, and left the marital home.  Yes, he does happen to have had a girlfriend waiting in the wings.  However, for his wife to be so "blindsided" by what happened is just silly.  Didn't she recognize how they were a problem to each other when their disagreements led to a steady stream of lose/win or win/lose outcomes over recent decades?  Unless a couple knows how to successfully negotiate and compromise to reach win/win outcomes...things will go downhill and stay there.  Even though this husband found his "dream" woman (apparently!)...I have to wonder how things will go for them once his divorce is final, this new twosome becomes comfortably familiar with each other, and the "fight for control" resumes---except with another woman rather than with his original wife?  Just asking.

I have always said that water finds its own level.  We are who we attract---and invite to stay.  Yet, what if what you are repeatedly attracting someone who keeps bringing out the worst in you, as was true in the case of the above-mentioned couple?  Let's face it;  if you hang out with the wild dogs, you will catch those fleas!  In fact, you may be more of a problem to others than you think you are.  Perhaps now is the time to buy yourself a flea collar and consider moving yourself over to greener and more peaceful surroundings...

So what do you do the day you wake up and realize that you are a common denominator throughout that landscape of dysfunction known as your own relationship life?  If your tribe are more like you in a negative way, nobody would notice this fact.  Why would they?  So long as we surround ourselves with people who enable us in our dysfunction rather than challenge us to elevate ourselves to a higher standard of functioning, we won't do it!  We just won't!  But we will figure out when it's time to leave when things become miserable enough.  For those who don't leave, that's another issue for another post.

When you are a problem, you might want to ask yourself what you keep doing and why to merely survive, rather than thrive, in your own daily life.  If you need help with that, well...that's what psychotherapy is for.  Or good support groups, good books, and/or good true people who will tell you the truth about yourself.  

In the meantime, remember this:  proof of bad character means nothing to a bad character!

Until next post....

When Your Marriage is in Trouble (Last Post in a Series)

Stonewalling is the last, but certainly not the least, horseman of the marital apocalypse.  Unlike the other three horsemen, stonewalling is perceived as least offensive because it is more "quiet" in nature.  Yet as we all know, still waters can run very deep.  When it comes to stonewalling, that's one deep you don't want to be rolling in as part of your ongoing marital dynamic...

According to John Gottman, stonewalling is "communication behavior characterized by shutting down, withdrawing, and emotionally disengaging from a conversation or interaction with a partner." Metaphorically speaking, it is like building and then maintaining a wall that separates you and your partner from fully and mutually understanding each other.  When this occurs, how does anything get solved, resolved, and/or dissolved?  It can't!  The marital relationship inevitably devolves down to one person being in "charge" of decision making more often than the other.  How does that make for a satisfactory and mutually-respectful marital dynamic?  It doesn't.

Why does stonewalling occur?  Generally speaking, it happens because the one partner who stonewalls is physiologically "flooded" with varying uncomfortable feelings and body sensations that overwhelms him/her/them.  This, I should point out, is when the stonewaller is not personality and/or mood disorderd to begin with!  When a person is disordered, stonewalling can be an effective tool to maintain control over his/her/their "targeted" person.   But I'm not going to address that in today's post.  In the majority of stonewalling situations, it is a highly anxious enough nature and the inability to cope with change which drives this behavior.  Stonewallers struggle with anxiety.  Some are self-aware about their own history with imagined fear(s) and worry;  others, not so much.  Stonewalling as a behavioral pattern somewhat screams to others:  "I'm just too anxious and I can't take it anymore!"  

Stonewalling can happen at any point during an interaction or conversation.  I, myself, have had clients shut down as soon as a certain topic is mentioned, let alone discussed.  So it can be like that with stonewalling.  The body can instantly react to external verbal stimuli with the same intensity as though the room just caught on fire.  No kidding.  Unless you can relate to this, you can't.  I know when working with my clients, some found that taking a low dose beta blocker (no kidding!) helped in preventing the dump of adrenaline into one's system when "triggered" by the words or actions of another person.  Of course, being seen and evaluted by your primary care physician and/or psychiatrist is absolutely necessary before you run out to order a beta blocker online.

Stonewalling shuts down any opportunities to clearly understand your partner...and for your partner to clearly understand you.  As an aside, if the content of your discussions on topics A, B, or C seem to merely go round and round in circles---I don't wonder how or why stonewalling becomes a comfortably familiar coping tool.  On the other hand, are you trying to discuss subject matter you don't have any control over changing to begin with?  I have found this is a common trap many couples fall into with each other.  "How do we get our son/daughter/in-law/grandchild to......"  Forget it.  You don't have the power to "make" anybody change the way you want them to change.  You can encourage them if they ask for your input specifically.  You can offer emotional support (like a shoulder to cry on and/or a listening ear).  And you can perhaps help motivate by functioning as your own best example.  Beyond that however, you don't have power to change anybody or anything but yourself.  End of.

As such, when one partner is gung ho on "What are we going to do about our nasty son-in-law?" to his wife....if she's stonewalling on this issue, I don't wonder why.  She may already know there isn't anything that can be done about their nasty son-in-law other than set firm boundaries and/or encourage, support, and possibly motivate proper action when asked to "help".  That's it.  Stonewalling often get resolved in these instances when the couple involved can agree on what their genuine options are---and are not!

When stonewalling becomes a lifestyle, it becomes important to understand that it is much like contempt in that it disrespects and dismisses the input(s) being presented to one or the other partner.  Who welcomes being treated like whatever they have to say or share with their partner does not matter?  That would be no one at all, that's who!

For the person engaging in the stonewalling, trying to get themselves back to baseline mentally, emotionally, and/or physically is their goal.  For the person on the receiving end of stonewalling, he/she/they are merely asking to be understood so that successful negotiation and compromise can be brokered if the topic under discussion requires it.  It's a lose-lose proposition when one party keeps shutting down the other in the name of personal "comfort" and "safety" for lack of a better way of putting it!  For the party on the receiving end of stonewalling behavior, it feels like "anything" that is brought up is going to be shut down if it isn't light and superficial enough in nature!  Eek!

Needless to say, shutting down, withdrawing, and disengaging from effective communication is not a strategy that keeps couples together and feeling connected emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically speaking.  

For real help on conquering any one or more horsemen of the marital apocalypse in your own marriage, you know who to call.  Oh yes, that would be me.  ;-)

Until next post....