What We Don't Realize....About "Friendly Offering"!

So, have you ever been in a situation where you are friendly offered to someone so that you could "do" something for this person or group....and the person who friendly offered you was NOT you?!  I have.  Way too many times in my life.  Here's how this "Friendly Offering" dynamic which is part of the codependent relationship lifestyle can look:

"Hi Mary!  Listen...I emailed Susie just now about that dress she's got that's too long and needs hemming by the time of our reunion in two weeks.  I told her to call you, as that's not a big deal for you to do.  So expect her to call you sometime today about that!"

"Hi (Sister)!  Can you make me a few dozen jack-o-lantern cookies on Friday for a party I'm having on Saturday night?"  (Sister) "Sure, what time do you want me to come over on Saturday night?"  "Oh!  The party is for a group of women I golf with;  you aren't invited to the party.  Just bring the cookies over on Saturday morning by 10."

"...I'd love to see you for breakfast!  Come on over at 9AM tomorrow if you can!  Oh...and if you can, would you bring some of that amazing chutney you make?  And you like Texas toast right?  Can you pick up a loaf on your way as I don't have that here?  And wait, I don't think I have any of that dark roast coffee you like;  if you can get me a bag from Starbucks I can pay you for that when you get here...."

"Listen Jack.  You and Rogers both live in Livonia right?  He just called and said his car blew up last night and he has no way to get here for that project we're working on together.  I'm gonna spring for an Uber for him to get here today...but can you do driver duty for him the rest of this week until his car situation gets straightened around?  Thanks Jack!  You're a winner!"

Facebook post:  "Here is a cracked window I embellished to hide the crack and make it look beautiful again."  Random Reply Post:  "OMG I love this!  Teach me how to do that!  I have four windows at home that need this now!"

Jesus Mary and Joseph are we really this blind to how "friendly offering" can translate so easily to using people and loving things more?  How did we get into this hot mess of relational dynamics with folks we believe we share "authentic" into-me-you-see emotional intimacy with?  Let alone when we don't!  Since when would ANY person feel completely free to expect "who" they want to give "what" they want from him/her/them to themselves---and/or to their OWN person or group of choice?  This is functioning like an authoritarian CEO who basically tells his or her minions what to do on demand!  Are you that CEO...or are you that minion?  How did that come to pass?  Maybe the time is now to re-evaluate your motives in your relationship life so you don't end up losing relationships without understanding why!

One reason this practice of friendly offering happens in the first place is that people want to be acknowledged and validated.  In the examples mentioned above, sacrificial giving is what is expected without question from the person "selected" to do A, B, or C for the person who has friendly offered them/their services to self or others.

I am a sewer.  I've been sewing since I was in 8th grade.  I'll never forget the time one of our friends (now former I might add!) saw the valences and decorative pillows I made for our great room when I was into that phase.  This was a long long time ago I might add;  pre-therapist to be exact!  When she saw what I had done, she immediately cried "Can you make me a valence for that doorwall in our kitchen?!  Can you make me a tablecloth and cloth napkins to match it?!"  Me being my oblivious codependent self at that time said "Sure, no problem!"  Never would I have imagined that the time, effort, and energy it took to create what she wanted would involve literally over 20 hours of my otherwise free time!  She was happy with the results, but I was NOT!  I would have gladly bought her what she wanted instead of wasting all the time I did educating her about valence options (sizes and shapes), going with her to the fabric store(s) to find exactly what she wanted, blah blah blah.  After that experience, never again!  And so I learned my lesson about being friendly offered regarding other people's sewing projects.  The rest came later as I experienced more and different situations where I was being treated like an object...a mere means to a desired end in someone else's life once he/she/they realized of what "use" I could be of most benefit (to them!).

Friendly offering is the nice way of putting it.  Indentured servitude is the more accurate way of putting it.  I don't owe you, and you don't owe me.  Yet....we keep expecting whatever we expect from each other when we claim to share emotional into-me-you-see---and even when we don't in some circles!  Listen, everybody has to carry their own knapsack of personal responsibilities each and every day.  You do not exist to make sure my load is not too much for me to manage on any given day---and vice versa!  When there are the extraordinary burdens we experience in life, that's another story.  We certainly can friendly offer ourselves to help in another person's time of need---but that is very different than being told or expected to do something because "You love doing that sort of thing anyway!  What's the big deal?" (Cooking, driving, picking up kids, running errands, volunteering for A, B, or C causes, etc.)

It is a big deal when we keep being treated as a free or very cheap resource that anybody and his brother can tap into on demand when So-and-So expects it!  Spare me!  

When was the last time you went to a party and because you are a (insert profession here), the person you are speaking with starts opening his mouth to show you his bad tooth (dentists!)....or stops to formulate the question about their kid who hates school (teachers!)...or asks you what a specific diagnosis means in your opinion (doctors!).  Yep, this friendly offering can look like that too when you are out socially!

This is why I stopped sharing what I do professionally at social events about 15 years ago.  I learned.

You can learn too.  If you genuinely need help about something to do with YOU, yourself or your own minor child(ren)...all you have to do is ask.  You may hear "No" or "Not Now" or "Maybe Later"...yet you have to practice being gracious in spite of your personal disappointment(s).  On the other hand, it is complete madness to feel justified in friendly offering unpaid services or favors to someone when the person you have in mind to do the job is someone OTHER than yourself!  Stop!  Are you really that desperate to feel good about yourself at someone else's expense?  What the?!?!  STOP!

If you can't stop, that's what I'm here for.  Call or text me.  I can straighten you out.  No joke.  

Until next post....

When We Don't Know...Part II

Being addicted to certain people in our lives...and/or being the object of addiction in the lives of certain others IS a difficult way to do our relationship life!  Last post, I presented some hard truths about the codependent "giver" within each of us.  This post, I am sharing what our inner codependent "taker" is most motivated by when we take from certain others who share codependent addiction status with us....

To be clear, we ALL have the codependent "giver" and "taker" lurking within in.  We aren't just one way or the other, because everything depends on the person(s) we are dealing with in any given moment of our lives.  You may be more of a "taker" in your relationship life involving your siblings who are older than you.  Yet, you may function as a big-time "giver" to people you don't even really know that well, if at all.  In this sense, a person can very easily function as "It's o.k. to take from my older siblings because what I want from them is very different from the people I don't know well at all but am willing to give to.."

Why is this?  Well, since our "giving" is mainly motivated by our needs for approval, acceptance, and like or love from those we give to....our primary motivation for "taking" is very different!  When we "take" from someone when we are codependent, we are mainly motivated by our needs for the following:

Power (Feeling of "control" over the person we are taking from..)

Pleasure (Feeling "good" about ourselves at the expense of the person we are taking from...)

Avoid Personal Responsibility(s) (Finding someone else to do our work we don't want to do!)

And there you have it!  Codependent taking is all about getting what I want (from him, her, or them!) on demand....because I can!  When I take, I want to feel powerful and in control, I want to feel pleasure, and I want to avoid my own personal responsibility(s).  End of.  That's why any of us take when we do from another person when we are codependent!  In the scenario described above, this youngest sibling doesn't want or need the approval, acceptance, and love of her siblings MORE than she wants to feel power, pleasure, and the ability to avoid her own responsibility(s) when she "takes" from one or more of them.  That's how this works.  Easier to give to people who don't know us very deeply, because anyone receiving something they didn't expect from us, are going to be extremely "grateful" for what we do or have done for him/her/them.  You've been there, haven't you?  I know I have!  The problems arise when our "giving" becomes a habit and we aren't receiving back that approval, acceptance, and like/love as we begin to expect consciously after so many incidences of giving, giving, and giving some more.  That's how "givers" who are codependent ultimately burn out or walk out of their chosen "taker" person's life. 

Interdependence is the alternative lifestyle for us as our cure for codependency.  We are capable of carrying our own load of daily responsibilities;  we don't spend time looking for others who will carry our daily load for us...and/or make us feel how we want to feel instantly enough.  

With interdependence, people are not objects to use or be used by.  People are equal.  With interdependence as a relationship lifestyle, being HONEST about EVERYTHING is what is necessary to experience genuine "into me you see" intimacy at an emotional, spiritual, and/or physical level.  People who are interdependent are also RESPECTFUL of themselves, and respectful of all others.  Respect, in this context, means that both parties are clearly aware of the personal values/rules of conduct which guide their own personal and professional lives.  Nothing anyone does represents "some secret thing" that, if exposed, would represent their personal and/or professional undoing.  Like being a pedophile (now referred to, by the way, as "Minor Attraction Status" to take the sting out of describing adults who choose to prefer having sex with children.) 

When will we ever learn?  

Interdependence shows itself also when we are comfortable knowing how to say what we mean, mean what we say, not say it mean, yet say it on time and to the right person(s) involved on an ongoing basis to anyone and everyone.  We are assertive enough.  We are secure enough in our attachment status.  We are as comfortable saying "No" to some person or group as we are saying "Yes".  We really do know right from wrong, and we practice it in our daily lives.  We don't succumb to the traps and snares of life as easily as we once used to because we are kinder and gentler to ourselves as a general rule.

In this moment, and in this current culture we inhabit, there are far too many of us who want our instant "fix" of feeling good as our default coping strategy in surviving life itself.  We don't know what to do about what we don't know what to do.

Busting out from the codependent relationship lifestyle is a huge part of the healing and recovery process.  Of course it is.  Addiction to certain people is no different than addiction to certain drugs or other processes that we rely on to "feel good fast".  We have to stop doing this to each other because we are NOT drugs or pleasure-based processes.  We are people!  When we can love people and use things instead of using people and loving things, we can recover and heal.

Until next post....