Last time, I presented the first factor one needs to examine in light of finding out that their partner and/or spouse is cheating. To briefly summarize, if you have chosen a serial cheater and believed (the lie!) that "your" love would somehow change that person for the better...you were wrong. So that's that. Now let's move on to the next factor:
2. Have you mistaken "sex" for true emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are two very different things. If emotional intimacy is the "cake"...then physical intimacy (aka "sex") is the icing on the cake. Got that? Sex is NOT THE CAKE! Yet for many individuals, "great sex" is perceived as all that is needed to be fully understood by one another. This is like saying if you hang out in K-Mart long enough you'll eventually become Jacqueline Smith. Uh......NO! Emotional intimacy is all about sharing and understanding what goes on between your ears (in your mind!) and in your heart with the person you claim to love the most in life (namely, your partner). And please don't be shocked BUT....not everyone knows how to express their thoughts, feelings, needs, or disappointments ANYWAY---let alone consistently over time....let alone consistently over time WITH THEIR PARTNER!
This is why so many of us skip over "that part" to do with the development and maintenance of true emotional intimacy in our primary relationships----and jump to sex as a way of "feeling close" to someone. This is not a good idea. Actually, it's a very bad idea. Why? because this is at the "root" of what creates (down the road) serial monogamists...serial cheaters...commitment phobes..."whatever" you want to call those who are more afraid of emotional intimacy than they are of bangin' their brains out. (Sorry, but that's what came to me as I thought it!).
When it comes down to the nitty gritty, the "scorned" party in any cheating-related drama has to take a look at their part in relation to this issue. Are you also afraid of developing true emotional intimacy with your partner? If so, then two wrongs were not going to make a right by avoiding the work which needed to be done there. Were you making yourself emotionally available to your partner, but found yourself more frustrated and hurt at their "lack" of reciprocity over time...and eventually just "gave up"? If this better describes your situation, you will need to look at to what extent you encouraged reciprocity as opposed to just talking "at" your partner. I know plenty of people who would identify me as one of their best friends...but I cannot say that I have always felt the same way in return. I AM a great listener...but when it feels like all I am doing is LISTENING and not given a chance to share how I am doing or how I am feeling or what I have going on.....it's like living on the receiving end of a one-sided dialogue. "Well then this happened to me...and then that happened to me...and then I wondered what else is going to happen to me. Oh, I'm sorry! Am I talking to much about me? O.k. then, let's switch gears---now it's your turn to talk about me!" Scenarios like that. Not good for the development of true emotional intimacy between two people!
Well...that's enough about that. What do you think about that?
As hard as it may be to believe, developing true emotional intimacy is not a magical or mysterious process that you are forced to figure out on your own. This is one of the "big" issues that is best resolved through psychotherapy...and with a good psychotherapist. Like me. Or those others out there like me that is. :-P
Have a good weekend!
2. Have you mistaken "sex" for true emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are two very different things. If emotional intimacy is the "cake"...then physical intimacy (aka "sex") is the icing on the cake. Got that? Sex is NOT THE CAKE! Yet for many individuals, "great sex" is perceived as all that is needed to be fully understood by one another. This is like saying if you hang out in K-Mart long enough you'll eventually become Jacqueline Smith. Uh......NO! Emotional intimacy is all about sharing and understanding what goes on between your ears (in your mind!) and in your heart with the person you claim to love the most in life (namely, your partner). And please don't be shocked BUT....not everyone knows how to express their thoughts, feelings, needs, or disappointments ANYWAY---let alone consistently over time....let alone consistently over time WITH THEIR PARTNER!
This is why so many of us skip over "that part" to do with the development and maintenance of true emotional intimacy in our primary relationships----and jump to sex as a way of "feeling close" to someone. This is not a good idea. Actually, it's a very bad idea. Why? because this is at the "root" of what creates (down the road) serial monogamists...serial cheaters...commitment phobes..."whatever" you want to call those who are more afraid of emotional intimacy than they are of bangin' their brains out. (Sorry, but that's what came to me as I thought it!).
When it comes down to the nitty gritty, the "scorned" party in any cheating-related drama has to take a look at their part in relation to this issue. Are you also afraid of developing true emotional intimacy with your partner? If so, then two wrongs were not going to make a right by avoiding the work which needed to be done there. Were you making yourself emotionally available to your partner, but found yourself more frustrated and hurt at their "lack" of reciprocity over time...and eventually just "gave up"? If this better describes your situation, you will need to look at to what extent you encouraged reciprocity as opposed to just talking "at" your partner. I know plenty of people who would identify me as one of their best friends...but I cannot say that I have always felt the same way in return. I AM a great listener...but when it feels like all I am doing is LISTENING and not given a chance to share how I am doing or how I am feeling or what I have going on.....it's like living on the receiving end of a one-sided dialogue. "Well then this happened to me...and then that happened to me...and then I wondered what else is going to happen to me. Oh, I'm sorry! Am I talking to much about me? O.k. then, let's switch gears---now it's your turn to talk about me!" Scenarios like that. Not good for the development of true emotional intimacy between two people!
Well...that's enough about that. What do you think about that?
As hard as it may be to believe, developing true emotional intimacy is not a magical or mysterious process that you are forced to figure out on your own. This is one of the "big" issues that is best resolved through psychotherapy...and with a good psychotherapist. Like me. Or those others out there like me that is. :-P
Have a good weekend!