Infidelity within the context of a "committed" relationship is something no one wants landing at their doorstep. Because of my work as a psychotherapist, I have seen and heard quite a bit when it comes to the things people are capable of saying and doing both as a perpetrator and as a partner scorned. Yet I was just as surprised as anyone else the other day when I heard about a particular scorned wife in Texas. From what the media claims, she was in a therapy session with her husband when he admitted to having an affair that he didn't plan to end. He also indicated that he wanted a divorce from his wife. I've also been in that boat before with my clients. "Yes! I can't help it---I love XXX. I've tried. I'm done. We have to get a divorce. I want to be happy.." etc. etc. etc. Yet for the wife in Texas, when she and her husband's therapy session was over, she drove 5 hours to a nearby state and blew away the mistress with three shots to the face. In the mistress's house. And in front of the mistress's elderly mother. When I saw the photos of the alledged killer and her victim, they both looked like kindly grandma types that wouldn't have had ANY part in this type of drama---let alone be the focus of it!
What's a person to do in light of the unexpected and devastating news that a trusted partner or spouse is cheating...and/or has cheated in the past? I've had clients beg me "Just tell me what to do." No, that's not the job of one's therapist anyway. Regardless of the circumstances...no therapist should ever play God in the lives of their clients. Ever. Now that I got that bit out of the way---let's look at what needs to be faced if infidelity has reared its ugly head in your life and primary relationship.
1. Have you committed yourself to the equivalent of a man-whore?
(Male or female, that is. I hate to put it so bluntly...but I cannot TELL you how many women and men hook themselves up with and commit themselves to serial cheaters who have no CLUE how to be faithful in a monogamous relationship! It doesn't take a rocket scientist either to figure out if your partner/spouse is a man-whore. How did you meet? What were the circumstances under which you met? Were you, yourself, the "other" man or the "other" woman at the time you were seeing each other? Well, DUH! Even if this was "not" your specific situation...man-whores are the types that turn to someone else (anyone else!) when they are bored, dissatisfied, angry, frustrated, and feeling "neglected" in the context of their primary relationship. If you committed yourself to a man-whore, here's the good news: even though you may FEEL the affair(s) are or were your fault, they weren't. Period. Even if your partner or spouse married Jesus in a skirt (or pants!)...he or she would be fooling around "anyway" somewhere down the line. So don't beat yourself up over what you "did" or "didn't" do to make the relationship work. You couldn't do anything. You chose a man-whore! That was the first and worst decision you made. So if you want to beat yourself up over anything...focus on "that" and why you thought you'd be able to "reform" your man-whore into something better over time. But only do that for a little while...and then get into therapy so you won't make the same mistake again!!
As an addendum to this point, anyone who is addicted to "all things sexual" (online pornography, phone sex blah-de-blah) which does NOT involve literal sexual contact is like a man-whore once removed. That person still has a sex addiction, but is playin' like Clinton with the details: "I did NOT have sex with that woman!" In this case, your man-whore once removed would rather be with some THING than with a live human being who is right under their nose and available to them! For the individuals partnered up with this type of man (or woman), you most often struggle with feeling that sex is an "act" rather than an expression of your authentic loving feelings for one another. Your MHOR partner seems more focused on anything and everything else than forging and maintaining a true emotionally intimate connection with you. I'm just sayin...
Next time...we'll talk more on this topic of the factors to face when facing sexual infidelity...
What's a person to do in light of the unexpected and devastating news that a trusted partner or spouse is cheating...and/or has cheated in the past? I've had clients beg me "Just tell me what to do." No, that's not the job of one's therapist anyway. Regardless of the circumstances...no therapist should ever play God in the lives of their clients. Ever. Now that I got that bit out of the way---let's look at what needs to be faced if infidelity has reared its ugly head in your life and primary relationship.
1. Have you committed yourself to the equivalent of a man-whore?
(Male or female, that is. I hate to put it so bluntly...but I cannot TELL you how many women and men hook themselves up with and commit themselves to serial cheaters who have no CLUE how to be faithful in a monogamous relationship! It doesn't take a rocket scientist either to figure out if your partner/spouse is a man-whore. How did you meet? What were the circumstances under which you met? Were you, yourself, the "other" man or the "other" woman at the time you were seeing each other? Well, DUH! Even if this was "not" your specific situation...man-whores are the types that turn to someone else (anyone else!) when they are bored, dissatisfied, angry, frustrated, and feeling "neglected" in the context of their primary relationship. If you committed yourself to a man-whore, here's the good news: even though you may FEEL the affair(s) are or were your fault, they weren't. Period. Even if your partner or spouse married Jesus in a skirt (or pants!)...he or she would be fooling around "anyway" somewhere down the line. So don't beat yourself up over what you "did" or "didn't" do to make the relationship work. You couldn't do anything. You chose a man-whore! That was the first and worst decision you made. So if you want to beat yourself up over anything...focus on "that" and why you thought you'd be able to "reform" your man-whore into something better over time. But only do that for a little while...and then get into therapy so you won't make the same mistake again!!
As an addendum to this point, anyone who is addicted to "all things sexual" (online pornography, phone sex blah-de-blah) which does NOT involve literal sexual contact is like a man-whore once removed. That person still has a sex addiction, but is playin' like Clinton with the details: "I did NOT have sex with that woman!" In this case, your man-whore once removed would rather be with some THING than with a live human being who is right under their nose and available to them! For the individuals partnered up with this type of man (or woman), you most often struggle with feeling that sex is an "act" rather than an expression of your authentic loving feelings for one another. Your MHOR partner seems more focused on anything and everything else than forging and maintaining a true emotionally intimate connection with you. I'm just sayin...
Next time...we'll talk more on this topic of the factors to face when facing sexual infidelity...