Now you know if you selected a serial cheater in hopes of having a fabulous and monogamous long-term relationship...that certainly won't work. You also have learned if you or your partner have ignored and avoided the ongoing pursuit of authentic emotional intimacy and replaced it with s-e-x
---that won't work either. So what's left to talk about in regards to understanding the forces behind one's sexual infidelity? Plenty!
3. When did you learn that treating human beings like objects (including yourself!) was a good thing?
This particular factor is, without a doubt, a foundational core belief that feeds the beast of sexual infidelity. For you see, when you treat yourself or others like something you can take off or put back on the shelf like a Barbie or Ken doll, we begin to view sexual activity as casually as we treat items on a take-out menu. "I'll have a tall blonde with bulging biceps and a side of humor please!" If you doubt what I'm saying here, tune in tomorrow at 11:00AM to watch the next episode of Jerry Springer...and oh yes Maury to follow. Over time, it becomes very easy to treat "cheating" like it's nothing to get into a twist over. "It was just a one night stand!" "He didn't mean anything to me!" "It's not like I said I loved her or anything like that!" "I didn't even know him! We just met and had a good time together!" Whatever. Use whatever excuse you want...but people are NOT objects, o.k.?!
There is an old saying: "Love people and use things; not use people and love things." In our so-called "enlightened" society, one thing we have failed miserably at is honoring our own and one another's humanity. Remember the little ditty at the start of the Declaration of Independence of 1776: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."? What the hell happened between then and now? How can we possibly treat each other as equals when feel free to use each other up like kleenix on most any given day? Grant it, not all "objectification" is that obvious to the naked eye. Do you think it's normal or acceptable to be bitched at by your wife or husband because your clothes or your hair or your makeup isn't "right" enough for them? Yeah yeah yeah...you can give me any excuse you want about "But he/she CARES about me and that's why they want me to always look my best!" That's a joke. If you make me look "bad", you may not be a toy I want to keep around anymore...kapeesh? I actually knew a guy back in the day who divorced his otherwise very sweet and giver-oriented wife because why? She got too "boring" for him. Well, isn't that special? Oh wait, that's what he liked about her in the first place! That she always (and I DO mean always!) put HIM first and did WHATEVER he wanted to do and rarely did anything WITHOUT HIM---to the tune of 15+ years. I'm just waiting for the day when a newborn baby is rejected because his race isn't quite right...or she looks too much like my damn ex-husband. Oh, wait a minute. That already goes on. All the time. See what I mean? We are a nation of objectifiers in denial.
Treating yourself like an object happens when you think you have only two choices when it comes to how you primarily function in your "love" relationship. These are the choices: as a giver/slave...or as a taker/master. And of course you may flip and flop back and forth depending on the day...or your partner's day...or your mood...or your partner's mood. And we wonder why the incidences of fibromyalgia, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and so many other stress-sensitive diseases and illnesses occur to the extent they do in this country? Yikes! If you are literally sick with something, you are supposed to take care of yourself! You don't keep cooking and cleaning and stepping and fetching and running and working AS IF you are supposed to ignore that flu you have contracted! That's another thing objectifiers do; they ignore their own positive self-care because "he" or "she" or "they" matter so much more than you do in the long run. Spare me. Objectifying doesn't get anyone anywhere that is good.
You know I could say more on this topic, but I figure the "top three" factors was enough to explore for now. Remember that nothing is a surprise when your eyes are appropriately tweaked to see more clearly. Didn't I mention in a past post about this? The FIRST step in "getting better" is to become AWARE of your own INappropriate thoughts, your own INappropriate feelings, and your own INappropriate behaviors...and take responsibility for them. Even when it has to do with why we accept cheating as "o.k." and not a big deal in the first place!
---that won't work either. So what's left to talk about in regards to understanding the forces behind one's sexual infidelity? Plenty!
3. When did you learn that treating human beings like objects (including yourself!) was a good thing?
This particular factor is, without a doubt, a foundational core belief that feeds the beast of sexual infidelity. For you see, when you treat yourself or others like something you can take off or put back on the shelf like a Barbie or Ken doll, we begin to view sexual activity as casually as we treat items on a take-out menu. "I'll have a tall blonde with bulging biceps and a side of humor please!" If you doubt what I'm saying here, tune in tomorrow at 11:00AM to watch the next episode of Jerry Springer...and oh yes Maury to follow. Over time, it becomes very easy to treat "cheating" like it's nothing to get into a twist over. "It was just a one night stand!" "He didn't mean anything to me!" "It's not like I said I loved her or anything like that!" "I didn't even know him! We just met and had a good time together!" Whatever. Use whatever excuse you want...but people are NOT objects, o.k.?!
There is an old saying: "Love people and use things; not use people and love things." In our so-called "enlightened" society, one thing we have failed miserably at is honoring our own and one another's humanity. Remember the little ditty at the start of the Declaration of Independence of 1776: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."? What the hell happened between then and now? How can we possibly treat each other as equals when feel free to use each other up like kleenix on most any given day? Grant it, not all "objectification" is that obvious to the naked eye. Do you think it's normal or acceptable to be bitched at by your wife or husband because your clothes or your hair or your makeup isn't "right" enough for them? Yeah yeah yeah...you can give me any excuse you want about "But he/she CARES about me and that's why they want me to always look my best!" That's a joke. If you make me look "bad", you may not be a toy I want to keep around anymore...kapeesh? I actually knew a guy back in the day who divorced his otherwise very sweet and giver-oriented wife because why? She got too "boring" for him. Well, isn't that special? Oh wait, that's what he liked about her in the first place! That she always (and I DO mean always!) put HIM first and did WHATEVER he wanted to do and rarely did anything WITHOUT HIM---to the tune of 15+ years. I'm just waiting for the day when a newborn baby is rejected because his race isn't quite right...or she looks too much like my damn ex-husband. Oh, wait a minute. That already goes on. All the time. See what I mean? We are a nation of objectifiers in denial.
Treating yourself like an object happens when you think you have only two choices when it comes to how you primarily function in your "love" relationship. These are the choices: as a giver/slave...or as a taker/master. And of course you may flip and flop back and forth depending on the day...or your partner's day...or your mood...or your partner's mood. And we wonder why the incidences of fibromyalgia, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and so many other stress-sensitive diseases and illnesses occur to the extent they do in this country? Yikes! If you are literally sick with something, you are supposed to take care of yourself! You don't keep cooking and cleaning and stepping and fetching and running and working AS IF you are supposed to ignore that flu you have contracted! That's another thing objectifiers do; they ignore their own positive self-care because "he" or "she" or "they" matter so much more than you do in the long run. Spare me. Objectifying doesn't get anyone anywhere that is good.
You know I could say more on this topic, but I figure the "top three" factors was enough to explore for now. Remember that nothing is a surprise when your eyes are appropriately tweaked to see more clearly. Didn't I mention in a past post about this? The FIRST step in "getting better" is to become AWARE of your own INappropriate thoughts, your own INappropriate feelings, and your own INappropriate behaviors...and take responsibility for them. Even when it has to do with why we accept cheating as "o.k." and not a big deal in the first place!