"When you can walk on water, let me know. Then I will know you're perfect." I don't know if that was exactly what the bumper sticker said...but it was words to that effect. Inotherwords, if you were/are just like Jesus (fully God and fully man according to the Christian world view)...then you could and can rightfully claim "perfection" as one of your core character traits.
Yet what do we see over and over again in this psychiatric unit of a universe we all share? People striving to BE perfect, to ACT perfect, to ACHIEVE perfect; it never ends! I don't care how old you are--it's like a bad epidemic! Even Honey Boo Boo (TLC's latest entry into the reality show market) at age SIX is being put through a whole lot of drama, trauma, and tears in order to "win" every pagent she enters. When will this madness end? Perfection is an impossible goal; nobody can ever "be" perfect when (a) it doesn't exist.
Now don't get me wrong as I say that. I'm not talking "it does not exist" as if I'm some eastern philosopher living in a dream state. I mean perfection does not exist for us (as mere humans) to access and master by our own force of will. If it did, our world would look and function a whole lot differently than it does now. There would be no war, no famine, no crime, no sickness, no death, no "nothing" that is "bad". Am I lying to you? No, I am not. Perfection is something we waste a whole lot of time on trying to master in our own lives and, as a result, judge a whole lot of others unfairly about when they fall short. Talk about a vicious cycle! Yikes!
Let's talk about my former client "Jolene" for a moment. A gifted high schooler with many talents, Jolene played soccer, had many friends, and could make most anyone laugh. Jolene came in to see me because she thought she was "bipolar" and couldn't squash the negative thoughts she felt were beginning to control her life. "I get so upset and I don't know why; I feel sometimes like I just want to go away and do my life over again somewhere where nobody knows me..." Jolene was a young woman under a lot of pressure. Often, it was difficult getting her to even see me for an appointment because there were so many other "obligations" she had to meet on a daily and weekly basis. "I can't do Thursday at 4:00PM because I have soccer practice until 7:00PM", etc. etc. No wonder Jolene was under pressure! She was being ruled (in one sense) by her schedule! But if she didn't have that schedule to follow, Jolene told me herself she knows she'd feel "worse". "What would I do if I'm not busy? Think about how depressed and angry I am even more than I do now? Forget it!" As you may be able to see now as I did, Jolene's lifestyle wasn't helping her cause. She was caught up in a cycle that she didn't know how to end and was afraid to end both at the same time...
With time and patience, Jolene was able to finally see how her pursuit of perfection was no "solution" to her deeper feelings of shame, guilt, loneliness, anger, and ambivalence. How can you feel "less" ashamed about how you are as a person (which is a wrong way to think about shame in the first place and the function it serves in our lives!)...when what you are doing is "never good enough" in your own eyes? That is truly like trying to lose weight by eating a 5 lb. bag of sugar every day. It just ain't gonna fix what you want fixin'! As it turned out, Jolene was not bipolar, but she did struggle with a substance abuse problem that certainly didn't help her uncomfortable and out-of-control negative feelings...
How many times do we hear "Nobody's perfect!" and readily agree how "true" a statement that is as we then turn around and try to prove to ourselves at the very least, "But I am!" That's not only a sad, but an insane way of thinking. Nobody is perfect because NO BODY is perfect!' This is a cold hard fact of life. It doesn't mean you can't do your "best" when you do whatever it is you do. If you can just make the switch in your own thinking from "I must be perfect!" to "I must do my best!"...you'll be on your way to recovery. Your "excellent" best is the most you can hope for in this life. Do that in all that you pursue...and you'll be fine. Yes, you will make mistakes along the way (because we ALL do!)...but again, THAT IS O.K.! It is o.k. to make mistakes as they can be used to TEACH us what we need to learn about ourselves and the world around us. But once we get addicted or obsessed with this idea of "I have to be perfect!" or "They have to be perfect!" or "It has to be pefect!"---forget it. Then you are setting yourself up for a whole lot of disappointment that ends up making no one more miserable than Y-O-U!
Acceptance of reality and "what is" is the first step towards conquering a perfection-based mentality one and for all. Be kinder and gentler to yourself...know you can make mistakes and your life won't be ruined...learn from those mistakes...and move forward with a positive and willing attitude.
Of course, you can always call me and I'll help set you straight. Not because I'm perfect mind you...
Yet what do we see over and over again in this psychiatric unit of a universe we all share? People striving to BE perfect, to ACT perfect, to ACHIEVE perfect; it never ends! I don't care how old you are--it's like a bad epidemic! Even Honey Boo Boo (TLC's latest entry into the reality show market) at age SIX is being put through a whole lot of drama, trauma, and tears in order to "win" every pagent she enters. When will this madness end? Perfection is an impossible goal; nobody can ever "be" perfect when (a) it doesn't exist.
Now don't get me wrong as I say that. I'm not talking "it does not exist" as if I'm some eastern philosopher living in a dream state. I mean perfection does not exist for us (as mere humans) to access and master by our own force of will. If it did, our world would look and function a whole lot differently than it does now. There would be no war, no famine, no crime, no sickness, no death, no "nothing" that is "bad". Am I lying to you? No, I am not. Perfection is something we waste a whole lot of time on trying to master in our own lives and, as a result, judge a whole lot of others unfairly about when they fall short. Talk about a vicious cycle! Yikes!
Let's talk about my former client "Jolene" for a moment. A gifted high schooler with many talents, Jolene played soccer, had many friends, and could make most anyone laugh. Jolene came in to see me because she thought she was "bipolar" and couldn't squash the negative thoughts she felt were beginning to control her life. "I get so upset and I don't know why; I feel sometimes like I just want to go away and do my life over again somewhere where nobody knows me..." Jolene was a young woman under a lot of pressure. Often, it was difficult getting her to even see me for an appointment because there were so many other "obligations" she had to meet on a daily and weekly basis. "I can't do Thursday at 4:00PM because I have soccer practice until 7:00PM", etc. etc. No wonder Jolene was under pressure! She was being ruled (in one sense) by her schedule! But if she didn't have that schedule to follow, Jolene told me herself she knows she'd feel "worse". "What would I do if I'm not busy? Think about how depressed and angry I am even more than I do now? Forget it!" As you may be able to see now as I did, Jolene's lifestyle wasn't helping her cause. She was caught up in a cycle that she didn't know how to end and was afraid to end both at the same time...
With time and patience, Jolene was able to finally see how her pursuit of perfection was no "solution" to her deeper feelings of shame, guilt, loneliness, anger, and ambivalence. How can you feel "less" ashamed about how you are as a person (which is a wrong way to think about shame in the first place and the function it serves in our lives!)...when what you are doing is "never good enough" in your own eyes? That is truly like trying to lose weight by eating a 5 lb. bag of sugar every day. It just ain't gonna fix what you want fixin'! As it turned out, Jolene was not bipolar, but she did struggle with a substance abuse problem that certainly didn't help her uncomfortable and out-of-control negative feelings...
How many times do we hear "Nobody's perfect!" and readily agree how "true" a statement that is as we then turn around and try to prove to ourselves at the very least, "But I am!" That's not only a sad, but an insane way of thinking. Nobody is perfect because NO BODY is perfect!' This is a cold hard fact of life. It doesn't mean you can't do your "best" when you do whatever it is you do. If you can just make the switch in your own thinking from "I must be perfect!" to "I must do my best!"...you'll be on your way to recovery. Your "excellent" best is the most you can hope for in this life. Do that in all that you pursue...and you'll be fine. Yes, you will make mistakes along the way (because we ALL do!)...but again, THAT IS O.K.! It is o.k. to make mistakes as they can be used to TEACH us what we need to learn about ourselves and the world around us. But once we get addicted or obsessed with this idea of "I have to be perfect!" or "They have to be perfect!" or "It has to be pefect!"---forget it. Then you are setting yourself up for a whole lot of disappointment that ends up making no one more miserable than Y-O-U!
Acceptance of reality and "what is" is the first step towards conquering a perfection-based mentality one and for all. Be kinder and gentler to yourself...know you can make mistakes and your life won't be ruined...learn from those mistakes...and move forward with a positive and willing attitude.
Of course, you can always call me and I'll help set you straight. Not because I'm perfect mind you...