Who are you? Have you stopped to think about that lately? I'm not just talking about what your name is or any of your other vital statistics; I want to know who you believe you are deep down inside yourself.
Believe it or not, not too many people know how to truthfully answer this question. This is because there are many MANY of us out there who function based on an idealized image/persona/mask (however you want to refer to it!) of our own making. Countless books have been written on this topic; one that sticks out in my mind because of its title was "Trances People Live". I like that title a lot because it reminds me of the "Got Milk?" advertising campaign. "Got Trance?" If you do, now's the time to keep calm and un-trance yourself so you can discover who you truly are!
As to "why" we create this "false self" in the first place....several factors play into that choice. For sure, not feeling like we matter is one of those factors. As such, much of who we think we have to be in order to be o.k. is premised on our need to be accepted. That's all. We will be whomever you want or need us to be in order for you to give us your acceptance, approval, and love. For those of you who have been reading my posts on codependency, these same people are the natural codependent "givers" in relationships. Givers typically have an extraordinary difficult time with the fear of being abandoned. As their big "C" Core fear, abandonment beats out any and every other fear there is to imagine. The thought of death isn't even as scary as the thought of being completely and utterly alone in this world. Hence, how else are people like this going to function (by choice!) when they are battling this fear-based demon basically every single day of their lives? "I will be whomever you need me to be...just don't ever leave me!" That about sums it up for this group. In its most malignant form, these are the people who will give and give and give...but then expect expect and expect "back" in order to maintain their own sense of mental ane emotional balance. Which never works by the way. If you can learn to truly give when you do WITHOUT expectations (or strings!) attached, then you are being truly benevolent. Otherwise, you are lying to yourself and everyone else around you. Also, don't be fooled believing that "givers" are limited to the meek and mild among us. I've met some very vocal and otherwise "Type A" personalitied givers out there too FYI...
Then there is the second group of individuals who just take what they want from others as often as possible. They also have a problem with not feeling like they matter---but chose a very different path in how to cope with this burden. That's all. They will charm, manipulate, and sweep you away (whatever it takes!) in order to take from you what they want. In marriage, these codependent "takers" may view you as either entertainment to be enjoyed (until something better comes along), a resource to be exploited to its fullest advantage (in a very measured and calculated kind of way), or as a means to maintain the "image" they present to the world (even the BTK killer was married for 29 years after all!). One of the great books out there on takers who make a very bad habit of taking in marriage is called "Love Fraud" by Donna Andersen. This group of people struggle with fear of engulfment as their big "C" Core fear. A fear of engulfment has to do with feeling suffocated by the "needs" of others...or just others in general. Think of the mouse being swallowed whole by the snake. The mouse is being engulfed by the snake. Although in these cases of malignant codependent takers, they have transformed themselves from the mouse into the snake and aren't even aware of how that happened.
Although these malignant "takers" are capable of giving (just as codependent givers are capable of taking)...there is NO giving that they do without an ulterior motive attached to it. Inotherwords, love is just a four-letter word. If you've ever watched the movie "Brighton Rock" (1948 version or the more recent adaptation), I'm talkin' about Pinky Brown when I describe this type of malignant codependent "taker". Others would call this type of person a sociopath and that's fine. In the end, malignant "takers" don't care who they throw under the bus and when...so long as they got what they wanted out of the deal. Another way to put it is that malignant codependent takers know the most but care the least. They lack true and authentic empathy towards others....always.
Discovering who you are requires that you stop to notice your own life and what makes you smile...what makes you laugh...what makes your heart sing...and what brings you true joy. It could take a while to figure all this out. I have a dear friend who spent the last 20-odd years in a terribly codependent relationship with a malignant "taker" (of course she was a "giver" in that pairing). After the death of her partner, she discovered she loves to make jewelry! Who knew? She sure didn't. Neither did I. Now she's making and selling her work for hundreds of dollars through a high-end boutique as a "side line" to her full-time career in another field. See what I mean? When you take the time to discover who you authentically are, you may be very pleasantly surprised by what surfaces there!
Another friend I just had lunch with today proclaimed she'd never date again since the death of her spouse last year. I asked why. She said after realizing how controlling he was during the 40+ years they were together, she wasn't ever going to let herself be put in that position again. News flash! Not every man out there is controlling; some do actually treat women like equals with respect and dignity! Isn't that nice to know? Yes, even in 2013 it's still true. But until you know who YOU are and aren't afraid to say so to another person...you'll only end up with what others are willing to give you. And that's no way to live. Unless you're into self-induced trance states. Like I asked earlier in this post: "Got Trance?" Hopefully if you do, it won't be for much longer....
The goal of ANY good relationship is (once again with feeling!) your ability to (a) share information and (b) exchange care. Nobody can do that well without knowing who they truly are and being o.k. with it. Grant it, I understand that sometimes the worst advice you can give to a person is to say "Be Yourself!"...but hopefully the likes of Charlie Manson or Marilyn Manson aren't reading this post!
So be yourself...get out of your trance if you live in one...and carry on!
Believe it or not, not too many people know how to truthfully answer this question. This is because there are many MANY of us out there who function based on an idealized image/persona/mask (however you want to refer to it!) of our own making. Countless books have been written on this topic; one that sticks out in my mind because of its title was "Trances People Live". I like that title a lot because it reminds me of the "Got Milk?" advertising campaign. "Got Trance?" If you do, now's the time to keep calm and un-trance yourself so you can discover who you truly are!
As to "why" we create this "false self" in the first place....several factors play into that choice. For sure, not feeling like we matter is one of those factors. As such, much of who we think we have to be in order to be o.k. is premised on our need to be accepted. That's all. We will be whomever you want or need us to be in order for you to give us your acceptance, approval, and love. For those of you who have been reading my posts on codependency, these same people are the natural codependent "givers" in relationships. Givers typically have an extraordinary difficult time with the fear of being abandoned. As their big "C" Core fear, abandonment beats out any and every other fear there is to imagine. The thought of death isn't even as scary as the thought of being completely and utterly alone in this world. Hence, how else are people like this going to function (by choice!) when they are battling this fear-based demon basically every single day of their lives? "I will be whomever you need me to be...just don't ever leave me!" That about sums it up for this group. In its most malignant form, these are the people who will give and give and give...but then expect expect and expect "back" in order to maintain their own sense of mental ane emotional balance. Which never works by the way. If you can learn to truly give when you do WITHOUT expectations (or strings!) attached, then you are being truly benevolent. Otherwise, you are lying to yourself and everyone else around you. Also, don't be fooled believing that "givers" are limited to the meek and mild among us. I've met some very vocal and otherwise "Type A" personalitied givers out there too FYI...
Then there is the second group of individuals who just take what they want from others as often as possible. They also have a problem with not feeling like they matter---but chose a very different path in how to cope with this burden. That's all. They will charm, manipulate, and sweep you away (whatever it takes!) in order to take from you what they want. In marriage, these codependent "takers" may view you as either entertainment to be enjoyed (until something better comes along), a resource to be exploited to its fullest advantage (in a very measured and calculated kind of way), or as a means to maintain the "image" they present to the world (even the BTK killer was married for 29 years after all!). One of the great books out there on takers who make a very bad habit of taking in marriage is called "Love Fraud" by Donna Andersen. This group of people struggle with fear of engulfment as their big "C" Core fear. A fear of engulfment has to do with feeling suffocated by the "needs" of others...or just others in general. Think of the mouse being swallowed whole by the snake. The mouse is being engulfed by the snake. Although in these cases of malignant codependent takers, they have transformed themselves from the mouse into the snake and aren't even aware of how that happened.
Although these malignant "takers" are capable of giving (just as codependent givers are capable of taking)...there is NO giving that they do without an ulterior motive attached to it. Inotherwords, love is just a four-letter word. If you've ever watched the movie "Brighton Rock" (1948 version or the more recent adaptation), I'm talkin' about Pinky Brown when I describe this type of malignant codependent "taker". Others would call this type of person a sociopath and that's fine. In the end, malignant "takers" don't care who they throw under the bus and when...so long as they got what they wanted out of the deal. Another way to put it is that malignant codependent takers know the most but care the least. They lack true and authentic empathy towards others....always.
Discovering who you are requires that you stop to notice your own life and what makes you smile...what makes you laugh...what makes your heart sing...and what brings you true joy. It could take a while to figure all this out. I have a dear friend who spent the last 20-odd years in a terribly codependent relationship with a malignant "taker" (of course she was a "giver" in that pairing). After the death of her partner, she discovered she loves to make jewelry! Who knew? She sure didn't. Neither did I. Now she's making and selling her work for hundreds of dollars through a high-end boutique as a "side line" to her full-time career in another field. See what I mean? When you take the time to discover who you authentically are, you may be very pleasantly surprised by what surfaces there!
Another friend I just had lunch with today proclaimed she'd never date again since the death of her spouse last year. I asked why. She said after realizing how controlling he was during the 40+ years they were together, she wasn't ever going to let herself be put in that position again. News flash! Not every man out there is controlling; some do actually treat women like equals with respect and dignity! Isn't that nice to know? Yes, even in 2013 it's still true. But until you know who YOU are and aren't afraid to say so to another person...you'll only end up with what others are willing to give you. And that's no way to live. Unless you're into self-induced trance states. Like I asked earlier in this post: "Got Trance?" Hopefully if you do, it won't be for much longer....
The goal of ANY good relationship is (once again with feeling!) your ability to (a) share information and (b) exchange care. Nobody can do that well without knowing who they truly are and being o.k. with it. Grant it, I understand that sometimes the worst advice you can give to a person is to say "Be Yourself!"...but hopefully the likes of Charlie Manson or Marilyn Manson aren't reading this post!
So be yourself...get out of your trance if you live in one...and carry on!