Realizing something about ourselves that isn't necessarily a good thing is not easy. As televangelist Joyce Meyer would say, these may represent our "OW! Halleljuah!" moments in life when we let them function as such. In my practice, these moments come most often when a client sees how he or she isn't much different from their own parent(s)---and not in a good way. One client I can recall couldn't stand being compared to her mother by her own husband. "He says I'm just like she is and I'm not! That's my worst nightmare!" Yet when I met with this couple and listened to all the examples her husband provided of "Her mom does this to her...and then I see her do that to me too..", my client busted out crying. "I don't want to be like my mother! I can't stand her anxiety and I have it just like she does!" Yep, a potential "OW! Halleljuah!" moment to be sure. In that case, I am happy to report that my client was willing to do the work of making positive changes so her own anxiety could be better managed without running and ruining her--or her husband's lives and marriage.
What are your own "OW! Halleljuah!" moments that you have been avoiding in your past or present life? For me personally, I am a talker by nature. Love to talk. Love to process as I speak. Love to talk through a problem not just once, twice, or even five times. Maybe this is why I have so many close girlfriends. I don't want to burn any one friend out to the point of them saying "That's enough Mary! Shut the *$)@# up!" Yet----when I have been on the receiving end of this type of dynamic with a friend, I (like anyone else!) have felt myself wanting to say "Shut the $*)@# up!" OW! Double OW! Triple OW! Needless to say, this particular "OW! Halleljuah!" moment has allowed me to set some boundaries...both with myself and others around this issue. Don't get me wrong, it is perfectly normal to "talk" through something before the choice is made as to how to "act" in solving, resolving, or dissolving "it" whatever "it" is. But if the talking has something to do with nothing that can be literally solved, resolved, or dissolved...it's anxiety based and has the potential to drive others up a tree or away from you (or me!) for a long long time. So, in my own personal life, I have been practicing to talk less, listen more...and take action instead of take up phone if my issue(s) are indeed real and resolvable by my own efforts.
Adult children (which means all of us over the age of 18) tend to ignore how they are or have been affected by the "ways" their own parent(s) chose to behave as they were growing up and/or are currently. I have always been mind blown by the "grandpa" who is still a skirt-chasin' womanizer at age 70 or beyond...and yet his son or daughter can't and won't connect the dots about why he is also a skirt-chasin' womanizer at age 38 (male) or is married to a skirt-chasin' womanizer at age 30 (female). OW! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! But this is how it can be. If you notice the "OW!", then you may have to notice there's a potential "Hallelujah!" attached to the "OW!" and who wants to do THAT work?! Well...therein lies the rub. That's why I love my job. That's why I will always be busy until I die or retire. Bein' a denial breaker as a career isn't easy, but someone's gotta do it!
Some more subtle forms of these "OW! Halleljuah!" moments include those of us who live on the edge of our own anger and defensive posturing. You know, the people you feel you have to walk on eggshells around because they always seem to find something that "bothers" them enough to blow at any given moment. Well...as the old saying goes: "If you spot it, you go it!" (Or you learned it and now choose to live with it!) In this particular example, just give yourself permission to figure out when and how you were first introduced to this "type" of person and why you didn't just ditch them the moment you realized "this is how they are for real!" You may find you couldn't ditch them back in the day because...oh geez! They were your mom! They were your dad! They were your grandma or grandpa! See what I mean? Familiarity doesn't just breed contempt...it can breed clones of the same dysfunctional patterns. It can also breed chosing someone to marry or "be" with with the same comfortably familiar dysfunctional patterns.
"OW!"
And hopefully "Halleljuah!" to you too! 248-561-8660 if you need help with that.
What are your own "OW! Halleljuah!" moments that you have been avoiding in your past or present life? For me personally, I am a talker by nature. Love to talk. Love to process as I speak. Love to talk through a problem not just once, twice, or even five times. Maybe this is why I have so many close girlfriends. I don't want to burn any one friend out to the point of them saying "That's enough Mary! Shut the *$)@# up!" Yet----when I have been on the receiving end of this type of dynamic with a friend, I (like anyone else!) have felt myself wanting to say "Shut the $*)@# up!" OW! Double OW! Triple OW! Needless to say, this particular "OW! Halleljuah!" moment has allowed me to set some boundaries...both with myself and others around this issue. Don't get me wrong, it is perfectly normal to "talk" through something before the choice is made as to how to "act" in solving, resolving, or dissolving "it" whatever "it" is. But if the talking has something to do with nothing that can be literally solved, resolved, or dissolved...it's anxiety based and has the potential to drive others up a tree or away from you (or me!) for a long long time. So, in my own personal life, I have been practicing to talk less, listen more...and take action instead of take up phone if my issue(s) are indeed real and resolvable by my own efforts.
Adult children (which means all of us over the age of 18) tend to ignore how they are or have been affected by the "ways" their own parent(s) chose to behave as they were growing up and/or are currently. I have always been mind blown by the "grandpa" who is still a skirt-chasin' womanizer at age 70 or beyond...and yet his son or daughter can't and won't connect the dots about why he is also a skirt-chasin' womanizer at age 38 (male) or is married to a skirt-chasin' womanizer at age 30 (female). OW! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! But this is how it can be. If you notice the "OW!", then you may have to notice there's a potential "Hallelujah!" attached to the "OW!" and who wants to do THAT work?! Well...therein lies the rub. That's why I love my job. That's why I will always be busy until I die or retire. Bein' a denial breaker as a career isn't easy, but someone's gotta do it!
Some more subtle forms of these "OW! Halleljuah!" moments include those of us who live on the edge of our own anger and defensive posturing. You know, the people you feel you have to walk on eggshells around because they always seem to find something that "bothers" them enough to blow at any given moment. Well...as the old saying goes: "If you spot it, you go it!" (Or you learned it and now choose to live with it!) In this particular example, just give yourself permission to figure out when and how you were first introduced to this "type" of person and why you didn't just ditch them the moment you realized "this is how they are for real!" You may find you couldn't ditch them back in the day because...oh geez! They were your mom! They were your dad! They were your grandma or grandpa! See what I mean? Familiarity doesn't just breed contempt...it can breed clones of the same dysfunctional patterns. It can also breed chosing someone to marry or "be" with with the same comfortably familiar dysfunctional patterns.
"OW!"
And hopefully "Halleljuah!" to you too! 248-561-8660 if you need help with that.