In the culture I was born into, the euphemism "Boys rule and girls drool.." rings more than true. A baby boy born within this culture means everything. The family surname will be carried on into at least the next generation (but hopefully for generations to come)---the boy child(ren) can and will demonstrate the overall strength of the family line---blah blah blah. Needless to say, being born a boy for our culture was akin to being born "golden". The golden child who was supremely gifted with good looks, athletic and/or academic talent, a charming personality, etc. etc.lies at one end of the spectrum. At the other end, the golden child who can do no wrong, on whom special favors were and are granted, and who will "one day" bring new heights of respectability to the family name in spite of having nothing going on to back that check up.
Everyone knows of someone who was their family of origin's "golden" child. Many only children are raised in this way. Sometimes, it is the first born child (male or female) who inherits this "golden" status. However it comes into being....being brought up as the golden child has its perks. Yet what happens to those golden children who don't measure up to others' expectations? When the golden child has a drug problem or gets divorced one too many times? When the pressure of being "perfect" on the job leads to ulcers, migranes, and multiple job changes? What happens when the golden child goes wrong and sees no hope for his or her future anyway? How does one move past his or her own former golden child status and create a better and happier life for oneself if that is at all even possible?
"John" is one such former golden child now aged 35. When John was younger, his parents made it abundantly clear that he was their one and only hope for the future of their family. John's elder sister Sarah was, for lack of a better way to put it, a slacker. Sarah never finished high school---barely made it through cosmetology school---and preferred partying over all else. John's younger brother Ben did all right enough, but left the state several years earlier and rarely came back to visit. John was very aware of the pressure being put on him by his parents given what they said and how they behaved ever since he entered high school. "You'll put your brother and sister to shame in your life and career", his mother often told him. "You are so much smarter than your sister and brother put together", his father said time and time again. Even John's grandparents and older relatives would manage to get their opinions in at family gatherings, which made John feel extremely uncomfortable. "I mean my sister and brother are sitting right there and my grandfather pipes up loud enough for everyone to hear and says "We'll all be working for John one day if he'll let us." "Who does that?" John asked me. My answer? The parent or grandparent of their golden child, that's who. In John's case, his rebellious streak led him to leave abruptly and move to Hawaii "to get as far away as possible and where they could not check up on me". John works at a local restaurant and loves everything about his present life. "I don't make a lot of money--I'm not married and I don't have any kids which I know my parents were expecting by this time in my life---but it's all good", claims John. "I lead my own life and it's all mine." Well, that's one way of resolving the issue. Or is it...?
The tragedy of the golden child syndrome is that each and every one of us born into this world is, each in our own and unique way, absolutely golden. There is no other person on earth who exists just like you---or just like me. We each have our own unique set of talents, skills, capabilities which, taken together, make us uniquely qualified to do what we have been designed to do in life. We are ALL valuable. We ALL have a unique purpose to fulfill while we are here. We ALL matter equally. Nobody else is better than you...and you are better than nobody else. (Think Abe Lincoln here folks!) The problem arises when only some of us are singled out by parents, or teachers, or the other adults in our lives who say to us, "But YOU are more special than (insert name(s) of compared-to-sibling(s), relative(s), friend(s), neighbor(s), classmate(s), or other peer(s) here). The press releases about how great and wonderful we are decieve us into believing that others can see truths about us that we ourselves can't see or, worse yet---are trying to fit us as a proverbial square peg into some obsure round hole of another's making.
As young children, we don't have the intellectual capability to say to our parents, "Hey, quit acting like I'm perfect and my sister here is garbage." or "Are you sure you know who I am for real because it sure doesn't sound like it to me!" We just don't know what we just don't understand. My own 89 year old aunt often told me how my grandmother "hated" my mother but treated my aunt like gold as they were growing up during the depression. "I don't know why your grandmother did not like your mother so much, but I couldn't do anything about it." Well...that was true when my aunt and mother were little children, but what about as they grew into their teens, and young 20s---until each of their parents finally passed away in the early 1950s? In the end, my "adult" aunt vascillated between behaving like Shirley Temple (on her good days) to Baby Jane (as in the Betty Davis version!) when stressed....while my mother was a flat out train wreck of bitterness, anger, venom, and vitriol her entire adult life, period. Oh geez...do I believe my aunt being raised as the "golden child" had anything to do with the way they each consistently chose to behave and function as adults? You bet your sweet bippee I do!
To be golden in my book is to be authentic with oneself and others each and every day while we are here. To be golden is to be self-aware of not only your gifts...but of your limitations. Once aware, being golden is to work on making those positive changes only we ourselves can make to feel and be more confident, competent, content with what we have, and flexible in the face of adversity. I have seen adult who, as children, were told that they were "stupid", "idiotic" and "won't ever amount to anything in life." Primary and secondary school was an abysmal experience for these adults as they were growing up. Yet...by agreeing to "try" community college classes or other vocational training, the vast majority were and are amazed at how much "better" they did "in school" than they ever imagined possible. That's what making and practicing positive change is all about. Labels are for cans...not for people. We are all here to ultimately walk each other home. Don't let the labels of your past like your "golden" or "NOT" golden status prevent you from being and doing your very best...one day at a time.
You may have been a golden child gone wrong...or the sibling of a golden child you grew to resent and distance yourself from. The good news is that "all of that" is done and over with now as soon as YOU decide it is. Until next time....
Everyone knows of someone who was their family of origin's "golden" child. Many only children are raised in this way. Sometimes, it is the first born child (male or female) who inherits this "golden" status. However it comes into being....being brought up as the golden child has its perks. Yet what happens to those golden children who don't measure up to others' expectations? When the golden child has a drug problem or gets divorced one too many times? When the pressure of being "perfect" on the job leads to ulcers, migranes, and multiple job changes? What happens when the golden child goes wrong and sees no hope for his or her future anyway? How does one move past his or her own former golden child status and create a better and happier life for oneself if that is at all even possible?
"John" is one such former golden child now aged 35. When John was younger, his parents made it abundantly clear that he was their one and only hope for the future of their family. John's elder sister Sarah was, for lack of a better way to put it, a slacker. Sarah never finished high school---barely made it through cosmetology school---and preferred partying over all else. John's younger brother Ben did all right enough, but left the state several years earlier and rarely came back to visit. John was very aware of the pressure being put on him by his parents given what they said and how they behaved ever since he entered high school. "You'll put your brother and sister to shame in your life and career", his mother often told him. "You are so much smarter than your sister and brother put together", his father said time and time again. Even John's grandparents and older relatives would manage to get their opinions in at family gatherings, which made John feel extremely uncomfortable. "I mean my sister and brother are sitting right there and my grandfather pipes up loud enough for everyone to hear and says "We'll all be working for John one day if he'll let us." "Who does that?" John asked me. My answer? The parent or grandparent of their golden child, that's who. In John's case, his rebellious streak led him to leave abruptly and move to Hawaii "to get as far away as possible and where they could not check up on me". John works at a local restaurant and loves everything about his present life. "I don't make a lot of money--I'm not married and I don't have any kids which I know my parents were expecting by this time in my life---but it's all good", claims John. "I lead my own life and it's all mine." Well, that's one way of resolving the issue. Or is it...?
The tragedy of the golden child syndrome is that each and every one of us born into this world is, each in our own and unique way, absolutely golden. There is no other person on earth who exists just like you---or just like me. We each have our own unique set of talents, skills, capabilities which, taken together, make us uniquely qualified to do what we have been designed to do in life. We are ALL valuable. We ALL have a unique purpose to fulfill while we are here. We ALL matter equally. Nobody else is better than you...and you are better than nobody else. (Think Abe Lincoln here folks!) The problem arises when only some of us are singled out by parents, or teachers, or the other adults in our lives who say to us, "But YOU are more special than (insert name(s) of compared-to-sibling(s), relative(s), friend(s), neighbor(s), classmate(s), or other peer(s) here). The press releases about how great and wonderful we are decieve us into believing that others can see truths about us that we ourselves can't see or, worse yet---are trying to fit us as a proverbial square peg into some obsure round hole of another's making.
As young children, we don't have the intellectual capability to say to our parents, "Hey, quit acting like I'm perfect and my sister here is garbage." or "Are you sure you know who I am for real because it sure doesn't sound like it to me!" We just don't know what we just don't understand. My own 89 year old aunt often told me how my grandmother "hated" my mother but treated my aunt like gold as they were growing up during the depression. "I don't know why your grandmother did not like your mother so much, but I couldn't do anything about it." Well...that was true when my aunt and mother were little children, but what about as they grew into their teens, and young 20s---until each of their parents finally passed away in the early 1950s? In the end, my "adult" aunt vascillated between behaving like Shirley Temple (on her good days) to Baby Jane (as in the Betty Davis version!) when stressed....while my mother was a flat out train wreck of bitterness, anger, venom, and vitriol her entire adult life, period. Oh geez...do I believe my aunt being raised as the "golden child" had anything to do with the way they each consistently chose to behave and function as adults? You bet your sweet bippee I do!
To be golden in my book is to be authentic with oneself and others each and every day while we are here. To be golden is to be self-aware of not only your gifts...but of your limitations. Once aware, being golden is to work on making those positive changes only we ourselves can make to feel and be more confident, competent, content with what we have, and flexible in the face of adversity. I have seen adult who, as children, were told that they were "stupid", "idiotic" and "won't ever amount to anything in life." Primary and secondary school was an abysmal experience for these adults as they were growing up. Yet...by agreeing to "try" community college classes or other vocational training, the vast majority were and are amazed at how much "better" they did "in school" than they ever imagined possible. That's what making and practicing positive change is all about. Labels are for cans...not for people. We are all here to ultimately walk each other home. Don't let the labels of your past like your "golden" or "NOT" golden status prevent you from being and doing your very best...one day at a time.
You may have been a golden child gone wrong...or the sibling of a golden child you grew to resent and distance yourself from. The good news is that "all of that" is done and over with now as soon as YOU decide it is. Until next time....