Fyodor Dostoevsky, the famed Russian novelist, said it best about the topic of lying:
"A man who lies to himself, and believes his own lies, becomes unable to recognize truth, either in himself or in anyone else, and he ends up losing respect for himself and for others. When he has no respect for anyone, he can no longer love, and in him, he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest form of pleasure, and behaves in the end like an animal in satifying his vices. And it all comes from lying---to others and to yourself."
Lying has come up a lot lately as a topic of discussion in my life and practice. I've had friends, family members, and clients discover some extremely uncomfortable truths about their partners; it has led to many tears, much confusion, and tremendous self-recriminations. Unfortunately, the "shock" of being lied to can't be avoided when it happens to you---or to me. Even worse, when we find out that the single "lie" which has been discovered is, in truth, just one in a series of lies which came before it. That's when lying feels like a knife to the heart---that has been definitely twisted around and around more than a few times.
In spite of Dostoevsky's take on what happens spiritually speaking when we lie, I want to explain if I may what causes us to lie in the first place. Not everyone is familiar with the concept of a "False Self", but it is this very real psychological phenomenon that is, in my opinion, at the root of all lying behavior.
To begin, let's look at the term "personality". The latin root of this word is "persona". Persona refers to the theatrical masks actors wore back in the day to either (a) disguise their true identity, and/or (b) to present a particular "mood" to one's public depending on the situation or circumstance. As such, one's "personality" is defined as representing the consistent patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors we each cultivate in order to best "do" our lives and relationships. I'm paraphrasing the experts by putting it that way, but that's about it. We each have develped our own "persona" as children----hopefully based on the truth of who we authentically are and not just what we "want" to present to the world around us. When our "persona" is based on how we believe we "must" be as opposed to how we "truly" be....we risk giving ourselves over to that version of ourselves which is more false than true. Hence, the False Self can ultimately end up being more of "who" we are on a day-to-day basis than our authentic and genuine selves.
So why the False Self? As human beings, we all want to be loved, accepted, and approved of. We want to feel like we matter and are of value. We want to know it is "o.k." to be who we are without judgment or criticism. Well...can you imagine how difficult this is to achieve when we don't "truly" accept and love ourselves as we genuinely are in the first place? The temptation to put on a false persona is very high once we figure out that the way we are is "not" okay...but the way we act in front of others can be "very" okay if we do the job right. Shakespere himself once said that "All the world's a stage." Well...that may be true, but only for those who are "acting" at being whomever they believe they need to be in any given moment or situation. Can you imagine how difficult it must be to be "on" 24/7 in order to feel acceptable to onself...or to other people. This is certainly true when "who" we are to others is not a reflection of the truth---but of the lie (or series of lies) we have created in developing the best false persona/self we can come up with.
I remember back when I was 18 and hitting the bars with my single friends. We'd start out the night saying "Okay, who are you going to be tonite?" We'd come up with the most outrageous names and occupations; we made up the cities we lived in and how we lived. At the time, it was all a big hoot. Until one of our friends started dating a guy and didn't find out until months later that he never gave her his "real"name to begin with! Ouch. Now in 2014 things aren't much different, except for the fact that groups of friends don't typically plan together "who" they will be en route to the bar. Instead, individuals plan this stuff all by themselves and in their own heads without anyone knowing about it---until unsuspecting victims (like my one friend) stumble across the uncomfortable truth when they do.
I have known people who lied about their formal education ("Yeah, sure I graduated from Michigan." (Only 10 credit hours short of any degree that is...or meaning from the "state" of Michigan and not the University of Michigan!) I knew of a family where "grandpa" had another whole family (meaning another partner and children) in a different neighboring city---as did his adult son once he grew up. I have known women who play Lady Gaga on Friday nite, Real Housewife on Saturday, and Mother Theresa on Sunday morning. The most blatent cases? "I have a secret to tell you; I was born a man." Really? See what I mean. The lying can just go on and on and on in all kinds of ways when we don't check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.
Nobody likes to think that the lies we tell can amount to anything that "big" as characterized above, but believe me they can and they do over time. Whatever the nature of the lie or lies that have been spun, it still all boils down to wanting to present and preserve one version of reality when the truth reflects a whole other version of reality. It's not so complicated as it is terribly sad.
When a person has made a very bad habit out of lying, it tells me that they still struggle with "who" they authentically are...and still does what comes naturally (aka "lying") when feeling vulnerable. Lying is never the solution to this type of issue. Yet until we understand how lying fuels the original problem of not accepting and loving oneself "as is"...it will continue to occur just as those raging fires do during our dry west coast summers.
"A man who lies to himself, and believes his own lies, becomes unable to recognize truth, either in himself or in anyone else, and he ends up losing respect for himself and for others. When he has no respect for anyone, he can no longer love, and in him, he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest form of pleasure, and behaves in the end like an animal in satifying his vices. And it all comes from lying---to others and to yourself."
Lying has come up a lot lately as a topic of discussion in my life and practice. I've had friends, family members, and clients discover some extremely uncomfortable truths about their partners; it has led to many tears, much confusion, and tremendous self-recriminations. Unfortunately, the "shock" of being lied to can't be avoided when it happens to you---or to me. Even worse, when we find out that the single "lie" which has been discovered is, in truth, just one in a series of lies which came before it. That's when lying feels like a knife to the heart---that has been definitely twisted around and around more than a few times.
In spite of Dostoevsky's take on what happens spiritually speaking when we lie, I want to explain if I may what causes us to lie in the first place. Not everyone is familiar with the concept of a "False Self", but it is this very real psychological phenomenon that is, in my opinion, at the root of all lying behavior.
To begin, let's look at the term "personality". The latin root of this word is "persona". Persona refers to the theatrical masks actors wore back in the day to either (a) disguise their true identity, and/or (b) to present a particular "mood" to one's public depending on the situation or circumstance. As such, one's "personality" is defined as representing the consistent patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors we each cultivate in order to best "do" our lives and relationships. I'm paraphrasing the experts by putting it that way, but that's about it. We each have develped our own "persona" as children----hopefully based on the truth of who we authentically are and not just what we "want" to present to the world around us. When our "persona" is based on how we believe we "must" be as opposed to how we "truly" be....we risk giving ourselves over to that version of ourselves which is more false than true. Hence, the False Self can ultimately end up being more of "who" we are on a day-to-day basis than our authentic and genuine selves.
So why the False Self? As human beings, we all want to be loved, accepted, and approved of. We want to feel like we matter and are of value. We want to know it is "o.k." to be who we are without judgment or criticism. Well...can you imagine how difficult this is to achieve when we don't "truly" accept and love ourselves as we genuinely are in the first place? The temptation to put on a false persona is very high once we figure out that the way we are is "not" okay...but the way we act in front of others can be "very" okay if we do the job right. Shakespere himself once said that "All the world's a stage." Well...that may be true, but only for those who are "acting" at being whomever they believe they need to be in any given moment or situation. Can you imagine how difficult it must be to be "on" 24/7 in order to feel acceptable to onself...or to other people. This is certainly true when "who" we are to others is not a reflection of the truth---but of the lie (or series of lies) we have created in developing the best false persona/self we can come up with.
I remember back when I was 18 and hitting the bars with my single friends. We'd start out the night saying "Okay, who are you going to be tonite?" We'd come up with the most outrageous names and occupations; we made up the cities we lived in and how we lived. At the time, it was all a big hoot. Until one of our friends started dating a guy and didn't find out until months later that he never gave her his "real"name to begin with! Ouch. Now in 2014 things aren't much different, except for the fact that groups of friends don't typically plan together "who" they will be en route to the bar. Instead, individuals plan this stuff all by themselves and in their own heads without anyone knowing about it---until unsuspecting victims (like my one friend) stumble across the uncomfortable truth when they do.
I have known people who lied about their formal education ("Yeah, sure I graduated from Michigan." (Only 10 credit hours short of any degree that is...or meaning from the "state" of Michigan and not the University of Michigan!) I knew of a family where "grandpa" had another whole family (meaning another partner and children) in a different neighboring city---as did his adult son once he grew up. I have known women who play Lady Gaga on Friday nite, Real Housewife on Saturday, and Mother Theresa on Sunday morning. The most blatent cases? "I have a secret to tell you; I was born a man." Really? See what I mean. The lying can just go on and on and on in all kinds of ways when we don't check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.
Nobody likes to think that the lies we tell can amount to anything that "big" as characterized above, but believe me they can and they do over time. Whatever the nature of the lie or lies that have been spun, it still all boils down to wanting to present and preserve one version of reality when the truth reflects a whole other version of reality. It's not so complicated as it is terribly sad.
When a person has made a very bad habit out of lying, it tells me that they still struggle with "who" they authentically are...and still does what comes naturally (aka "lying") when feeling vulnerable. Lying is never the solution to this type of issue. Yet until we understand how lying fuels the original problem of not accepting and loving oneself "as is"...it will continue to occur just as those raging fires do during our dry west coast summers.