When it comes to a person's relational style, we all have our preferred favorite(s). I can recall when I was a 20-something green upstart fresh out of college and working at a large organization in their marketing research department. One of my colleagues was a 35 year old married woman who looked like she stepped out of the latest issue of Vogue. Very well put together, hair done nails done..you know "everything big" as Drake likes to tell it. Then came the day when my colleague shared her secret to corporate success with me. I had felt like she hit me over the head with a lead pipe. Her words, not mine: "I just act dumb or flirt and that usually gets me what I want." From that moment on, I couldn't wait to get out of that department...that organization...and that industry. Which I eventually did....
Thinking back to "Suki" and knowing what I do now about relational styles and how we adopt them...she ascribed to the classic "Party Girl" relational style. Highly ambivalent in general about most anything put before her, "Suki" was constantly angling to achieve the most benefit for the least effort. She shamelessly flirted with our department manager every day; she was the type of woman who gave a bad name to the rest of us who actually put in a full eight hours day in and day out. As a "Party Girl", Suki's behavior was also unpredictable, along with her moods. Ultimately, Suki's "party girl" status meant that she was filled to equal measure with contempt---both directed towards herself and others.
Relational styles represent the patterns of behavior we employ as we interact with the world around us. The more "disturbed" we are, the less able we are to even put up the basic "shields" that protect us from being blatantly dysfunctional in front of whomever and wherever. After all, it does take some "work" to present and maintain even a superficial (and positive!) image of ourselves in public. We have to be at the very least clean and neat enough, dressed appropriately, and speak like a human who made it past middle school. Yet our relational styles (once we get past that first seven-second impression of one another!) gives us away every time. "Party Girls" and "Seductive Boys" are those individuals who are fickle, indecisive, avoid sustained responsibility, and just want to feel good in the present moment. Ambivalence is their big central theme of relating to others. Going with the flow can work in some circumstances of course, but not when it becomes the desired end result in all circumstances and at all times.
Thinking back to "Suki" and knowing what I do now about relational styles and how we adopt them...she ascribed to the classic "Party Girl" relational style. Highly ambivalent in general about most anything put before her, "Suki" was constantly angling to achieve the most benefit for the least effort. She shamelessly flirted with our department manager every day; she was the type of woman who gave a bad name to the rest of us who actually put in a full eight hours day in and day out. As a "Party Girl", Suki's behavior was also unpredictable, along with her moods. Ultimately, Suki's "party girl" status meant that she was filled to equal measure with contempt---both directed towards herself and others.
Relational styles represent the patterns of behavior we employ as we interact with the world around us. The more "disturbed" we are, the less able we are to even put up the basic "shields" that protect us from being blatantly dysfunctional in front of whomever and wherever. After all, it does take some "work" to present and maintain even a superficial (and positive!) image of ourselves in public. We have to be at the very least clean and neat enough, dressed appropriately, and speak like a human who made it past middle school. Yet our relational styles (once we get past that first seven-second impression of one another!) gives us away every time. "Party Girls" and "Seductive Boys" are those individuals who are fickle, indecisive, avoid sustained responsibility, and just want to feel good in the present moment. Ambivalence is their big central theme of relating to others. Going with the flow can work in some circumstances of course, but not when it becomes the desired end result in all circumstances and at all times.