Just the other day I was talking to a friend who said it was funny how we both knew a third party better than he knew himself. If this seems strange to read, allow me to put it another way: when you don't see in yourself what others can see clearly---you may have a problem with self-awareness.
It would be too easy in today's post to focus on all of the "obvious" ways we lack self-awareness. Alcoholics in denial.....cheapskates who perceive themselves as generous to a fault...people who claim to be heterosexual and yet practice living on the "down low"... I remember a guy I used to work with back when I was in my early 20s. We worked for a major automotive manufacturer. He was someone with an advanced degree and who was required to wear a dress shirt and tie each day to work. The first time I met him, I thought I was hallucinating because I saw a major and I do mean MAJOR grime ring around his neck (otherwise known as "ring around the collar"). I didn't say anything that day because, to be truthful, I couldn't believe my eyes.
Because one of his best friends sat two desks away from me, I noticed that his "ring around the collar" issue was not a one-off situation. He literally had a dirt ring up there each and every day I would see him! Needless to say, this man was completely unaware of his own inability to either (a) wash his shirts properly, (b) see clearly, (c) wash his face and neck properly, and/or (d) start wearing much darker colored shirts to work!
It is amazing to me what we avoid noticing in ourselves or about ourselves because...???? I used to have a secretary who would get bits of her hair caught up in the White Out tape she used to correct the mistakes on documents she typed up for me. (Yes, this was in the "old days" before computers were used for this purpose!) I remember going up to her after yet another "hair in the tape" incident and she just clipped off the excess that stuck out from the paper with some scissors in her desk. Really? Yes, really!
I think our inability to be self aware at the levels I just mentioned (personal and image-related habits and hygiene) are most to do with an inner laziness that manifests itself in avoiding some obvious personal responsibilities. If these individuals mentioned above came to our country from a culture that accepted ring around the collar and hair caught up in the White Out tape...then that's another issue. However, in most cases, people just don't want to do what they don't feel like doing, period. Why I am reminded now of the lady in my town who let her gray roots grow out until her hair was literally half gray and half black now becomes quite obvious. I guess buying a box of Clairol and/or getting a haircut was just too much for her to do or manage...
As I mentioned earlier, all of the above represent pretty obvious examples of individuals who lack self-awareness. But what about those of us who can't or won't notice the patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that we keep repeating over and over again---many times for years or decades?
Getting back to the man mentioned at the beginning of this post, he has been a "runner" for decades. I don't mean runner as in a marathon or other forms of foot racing. I mean a runner in the sense of spending many years of his life in "escape mode". Rather than face AND make the positive changes associated with overcoming his personal demons...this dude has chosen to keep running away from everything "unpleasant" in his life all of the time. Some of the ways he presents this pattern of behavior is to berate and/or cut off his wife from discussing any "difficult news" he can't handle emotionally. It'd be one thing if she was interrupting him in the middle of an important business call to try and "talk" to him; it's another when he consistently deflects and avoids ANY conversation about "that topic" for days, weeks, and/or months on end. He's not alone. Many of us will do a great deal NOT to talk about something we need to talk about---but don't want to. How many times will it take before the person on the receiving end of that dynamic realizes "He doesn't want to talk about this subject EVER!!!"
Avoiding uncomfortable feelings, avoiding uncomfortable conversations, avoiding personal responsibilities, avioding present realities, avoiding lessons from the past that can actually teach us something good, avoiding self-destructive habits, avoiding opportunities to actively love another human being: aka avoiding "the truth about me"! This is the stuff that determines whether or not a person is self-aware at all---and/or to what degree.
People like to believe their own best press releases. How many times have I heard first-time clients tell me how honest they are, how magnanamous they are, how hard-working they are, how blah blah blah they are (all positive mind you!)....only to show me by their words and actions the complete opposite truth(s) over time. I figure if they at least made it into the therapist's office, then there is hope for their authentic healing, change, and growth process. Even if we don't know what's the matter with us....we sure will be able to tell when we are truly thinking, feeling, and behaving "better".
Self-awareness is a big issue in therapy for anyone who comes in for help. How self aware are you?
If you are not sure but know you feel more bad than good most days, maybe it's time to make that call and get the right kind of help that IS available to you right now.
It would be too easy in today's post to focus on all of the "obvious" ways we lack self-awareness. Alcoholics in denial.....cheapskates who perceive themselves as generous to a fault...people who claim to be heterosexual and yet practice living on the "down low"... I remember a guy I used to work with back when I was in my early 20s. We worked for a major automotive manufacturer. He was someone with an advanced degree and who was required to wear a dress shirt and tie each day to work. The first time I met him, I thought I was hallucinating because I saw a major and I do mean MAJOR grime ring around his neck (otherwise known as "ring around the collar"). I didn't say anything that day because, to be truthful, I couldn't believe my eyes.
Because one of his best friends sat two desks away from me, I noticed that his "ring around the collar" issue was not a one-off situation. He literally had a dirt ring up there each and every day I would see him! Needless to say, this man was completely unaware of his own inability to either (a) wash his shirts properly, (b) see clearly, (c) wash his face and neck properly, and/or (d) start wearing much darker colored shirts to work!
It is amazing to me what we avoid noticing in ourselves or about ourselves because...???? I used to have a secretary who would get bits of her hair caught up in the White Out tape she used to correct the mistakes on documents she typed up for me. (Yes, this was in the "old days" before computers were used for this purpose!) I remember going up to her after yet another "hair in the tape" incident and she just clipped off the excess that stuck out from the paper with some scissors in her desk. Really? Yes, really!
I think our inability to be self aware at the levels I just mentioned (personal and image-related habits and hygiene) are most to do with an inner laziness that manifests itself in avoiding some obvious personal responsibilities. If these individuals mentioned above came to our country from a culture that accepted ring around the collar and hair caught up in the White Out tape...then that's another issue. However, in most cases, people just don't want to do what they don't feel like doing, period. Why I am reminded now of the lady in my town who let her gray roots grow out until her hair was literally half gray and half black now becomes quite obvious. I guess buying a box of Clairol and/or getting a haircut was just too much for her to do or manage...
As I mentioned earlier, all of the above represent pretty obvious examples of individuals who lack self-awareness. But what about those of us who can't or won't notice the patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that we keep repeating over and over again---many times for years or decades?
Getting back to the man mentioned at the beginning of this post, he has been a "runner" for decades. I don't mean runner as in a marathon or other forms of foot racing. I mean a runner in the sense of spending many years of his life in "escape mode". Rather than face AND make the positive changes associated with overcoming his personal demons...this dude has chosen to keep running away from everything "unpleasant" in his life all of the time. Some of the ways he presents this pattern of behavior is to berate and/or cut off his wife from discussing any "difficult news" he can't handle emotionally. It'd be one thing if she was interrupting him in the middle of an important business call to try and "talk" to him; it's another when he consistently deflects and avoids ANY conversation about "that topic" for days, weeks, and/or months on end. He's not alone. Many of us will do a great deal NOT to talk about something we need to talk about---but don't want to. How many times will it take before the person on the receiving end of that dynamic realizes "He doesn't want to talk about this subject EVER!!!"
Avoiding uncomfortable feelings, avoiding uncomfortable conversations, avoiding personal responsibilities, avioding present realities, avoiding lessons from the past that can actually teach us something good, avoiding self-destructive habits, avoiding opportunities to actively love another human being: aka avoiding "the truth about me"! This is the stuff that determines whether or not a person is self-aware at all---and/or to what degree.
People like to believe their own best press releases. How many times have I heard first-time clients tell me how honest they are, how magnanamous they are, how hard-working they are, how blah blah blah they are (all positive mind you!)....only to show me by their words and actions the complete opposite truth(s) over time. I figure if they at least made it into the therapist's office, then there is hope for their authentic healing, change, and growth process. Even if we don't know what's the matter with us....we sure will be able to tell when we are truly thinking, feeling, and behaving "better".
Self-awareness is a big issue in therapy for anyone who comes in for help. How self aware are you?
If you are not sure but know you feel more bad than good most days, maybe it's time to make that call and get the right kind of help that IS available to you right now.