Today's blog post is about fuzzy endings. The fuzzy endings I am referring to here have nothing to do with cute animals or favorite pets. Instead, I am talking about relationships that either end abruptly or fade away into oblivion because.....they just do!
The reasons why fuzzy endings occur begins by understanding the true nature of the relationship itself. Some people get together because it is easy and convenient. We work together...we are in the same class together...we are stuck in the same extended family together...your kid babysits my kid...we both love to play tennis at the same club...our sons are best friends...the list is potentially endless. Since nothing stays the same forever, eventually the specific situation which brought two people together may change significantly. You quit the job where we both worked, I dropped the class, you got divorced from my brother's cousin, my kid grew up, your developed tennis elbow, my son is now dating your son's ex girlfriend. At this point, when the convenience aspect is removed, maintaining the relationship takes work. Not everyone is into this type of work. I may call you, you may call me...but after a while it just seems like another obligation. We don't have "that much" in common anymore anyway. You're boring. I'm too chatty. You moved to a nicer neighborhood. I'm stuck in the same old apartment complex. Life goes on. The relationship fades. Things end---fuzzily.
Fuzzy endings also occur because the expectations each person has for their "new" relationship are highly unrealistic, but full of hope, as many often are. "He's SO funny; he makes me laugh ALL THE TIME!" "She's SO thoughtful; she does EVERYTHING for me." No, what you got there is someone who is willing to entertain you for a while (and/or serve as your personal assistant) until they decide when the other shoe needs to drop and it becomes your turn to start giving back just as much. Grant it, I'm still mystified by those who "chase" someone down for any number of years past year one...but that's just me. However, I have seen far too many situations where once the "I dos" are spoken in front of the judge or pastor...that script can flip very quickly (the historic "giver" in the relationship suddenly relaxes and transforms into "I'll be the TAKER now!"). Not a good dynamic. As I've mentioned before in several posts on the topic of codependency, everyone needs to function as EQUALS in their closest personal "love" relationships. Without equality, forget it! Fuzzy endings can happen without one or the other party even realizing what hit them until the other has found your replacement...
There is always, of course, the problem of "bad" (wrongful) behavior that can transform any relationship into a never-ending question mark. Someone just told me the other day how a beloved father went to buy his small daughter some shoes one night, left the house, and never returned home. She has carried this "What the heck happened to my dad..!??!" incident within her heart for the next 50 years. She still doesn't know what happened to him! A friend of mine's grandfather abruptly left his wife and daughters one day in favor of the neighbor down the street. To say the scars of that choice hasn't left three generations of women secretly wondering about "what type" of man can or cannot be trusted is among the grandest of understatements. When we are transgressed against, and that transgression "just happens" without any understanding of "why".....this type of scenario inevitably leads to major fuzzy endings.
Avoiding personal responsibility by communicating "what it is" that we need, want, feel, desire, dream of, are disappointed by, and feel hurt by is at the foundation of why fuzzy endings happen as they do. People are too afraid to speak the uncomfortable truth; people are too selfish to care about anyone else's feelings but their own, people are too focused in on their own pain than consider how it has affected those around them. Fuzzy endings amount to no more than running away from personal responsibility and pretending that the past never even happened. How sad is that?
Think about your own "fuzzy endings" and how many you have experienced in your own adult life? If you have been through more than a handful, this may be the time to re-think what you are doing to avoid authentic intimacy (emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically) and maintain it with another person. Not that we need the physical intimacy with anyone else other than our life partner, but you catch my drift. (At least I HOPE you do! LOL!) Emotional intimacy is the foundation of any "solid" and platonic friendship relationship; without understanding or being understood---it can all go fuzzy before our very eyes.
The reasons why fuzzy endings occur begins by understanding the true nature of the relationship itself. Some people get together because it is easy and convenient. We work together...we are in the same class together...we are stuck in the same extended family together...your kid babysits my kid...we both love to play tennis at the same club...our sons are best friends...the list is potentially endless. Since nothing stays the same forever, eventually the specific situation which brought two people together may change significantly. You quit the job where we both worked, I dropped the class, you got divorced from my brother's cousin, my kid grew up, your developed tennis elbow, my son is now dating your son's ex girlfriend. At this point, when the convenience aspect is removed, maintaining the relationship takes work. Not everyone is into this type of work. I may call you, you may call me...but after a while it just seems like another obligation. We don't have "that much" in common anymore anyway. You're boring. I'm too chatty. You moved to a nicer neighborhood. I'm stuck in the same old apartment complex. Life goes on. The relationship fades. Things end---fuzzily.
Fuzzy endings also occur because the expectations each person has for their "new" relationship are highly unrealistic, but full of hope, as many often are. "He's SO funny; he makes me laugh ALL THE TIME!" "She's SO thoughtful; she does EVERYTHING for me." No, what you got there is someone who is willing to entertain you for a while (and/or serve as your personal assistant) until they decide when the other shoe needs to drop and it becomes your turn to start giving back just as much. Grant it, I'm still mystified by those who "chase" someone down for any number of years past year one...but that's just me. However, I have seen far too many situations where once the "I dos" are spoken in front of the judge or pastor...that script can flip very quickly (the historic "giver" in the relationship suddenly relaxes and transforms into "I'll be the TAKER now!"). Not a good dynamic. As I've mentioned before in several posts on the topic of codependency, everyone needs to function as EQUALS in their closest personal "love" relationships. Without equality, forget it! Fuzzy endings can happen without one or the other party even realizing what hit them until the other has found your replacement...
There is always, of course, the problem of "bad" (wrongful) behavior that can transform any relationship into a never-ending question mark. Someone just told me the other day how a beloved father went to buy his small daughter some shoes one night, left the house, and never returned home. She has carried this "What the heck happened to my dad..!??!" incident within her heart for the next 50 years. She still doesn't know what happened to him! A friend of mine's grandfather abruptly left his wife and daughters one day in favor of the neighbor down the street. To say the scars of that choice hasn't left three generations of women secretly wondering about "what type" of man can or cannot be trusted is among the grandest of understatements. When we are transgressed against, and that transgression "just happens" without any understanding of "why".....this type of scenario inevitably leads to major fuzzy endings.
Avoiding personal responsibility by communicating "what it is" that we need, want, feel, desire, dream of, are disappointed by, and feel hurt by is at the foundation of why fuzzy endings happen as they do. People are too afraid to speak the uncomfortable truth; people are too selfish to care about anyone else's feelings but their own, people are too focused in on their own pain than consider how it has affected those around them. Fuzzy endings amount to no more than running away from personal responsibility and pretending that the past never even happened. How sad is that?
Think about your own "fuzzy endings" and how many you have experienced in your own adult life? If you have been through more than a handful, this may be the time to re-think what you are doing to avoid authentic intimacy (emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically) and maintain it with another person. Not that we need the physical intimacy with anyone else other than our life partner, but you catch my drift. (At least I HOPE you do! LOL!) Emotional intimacy is the foundation of any "solid" and platonic friendship relationship; without understanding or being understood---it can all go fuzzy before our very eyes.