Emotionally Unavailable Types...Part III

There are three final types to describe the emotionally unavailable male or female in your life.  So far we have covered Romeos and Romiettes, Indiana Joneses, Tens and Other Trophies, Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls, 'Holics, and Emotional Einsteins.  The good news is that the nine types are "it" when it comes to how the EU person can and does "roll" in their relational style to others.  The bad news is that a person may possess any combination of two or more of these nine types to varying degrees.  The point is that when a person behaves in an emotionally unavailable manner, now you will hopefully be more aware of it and do the work to turn that pattern around...

The seventh type of emotionally unavailable man or woman is "The Ones in the Mirror" or Narcissists and Other Self-Lovers.  The "hook" of this type of person is that they can initially appear quite appealing;  at first it looks like they are confident---and confident people can be quite magnetic.  Truly confident people, however, who are NOT narcissistic, are able to share their confidence with the people around them.  You are enriched by the contact.  Truly confident people enjoy encouraging you to build your strengths;  narcissists, on the other hand, are focused on building their own strengths and will draw from you in a parasitic fashion.  What ends up happening is that you work hard to make the narcissist feel good about himself or herself...a condition that requires constant maintenance.  When a narcissist doesn't feel constantly attended to by you, he or she will withdraw from you.  You get the strong message that if you don't get back on the track you will be left at the train station without a second look.  Narcissists choose people who are people pleasers by nature, so the threat of abandonment produces an explosion of activity to try and "fix" what's wrong with the narcissist today on the part of the pleaser.  This is truly crazy-making behavior.  Yet it is the control mechanism that the narcissist uses to keep their people pleasing partner, friend, or family member in line.  When you finally get tired of pleasing the narcissist in your life and can't keep meeting his or her every need without appreciation, acknowledgment, or emotional connection, you are left with tremendous sense of self-blame and profound frustration.  You weren't good enough to be in a "real" relationship anyway which is the audiotape that the narcissist in your life has firmly implanted in your brain to run over and over again.  This is one hard way to live in relationship.  You are good enough to serve the narcissist and that's why he or she "picked" you...but not good enough to keep up the good work for the rest of your life.  Recovery comes with reality, which creeps back with the help of a good psychotherapist and time.  Part of the therapeutic process is erasng the audiotapes in your brain;  until those tapes are completely erased, however, you are still vulnerable to a rerun with another narcissist.

Bryn C. Collins, in her book, "Emotional Unavailability" likens a relationship with a Narcissist as  holding a mirror up for them and at them while at the same time making appreciative noises without getting anything back (for your effort).  That about sums it up.  Narcissists have no room for anyone BUT themselves to be the center of anyone's universe.

Next, "Eels and Other Slippery Critters"...the eighth type of emotionally unavailable man or woman.  Just hearing the title is enough of a clue of what this type is all about "....I don't know if I am quite ready yet to..."  This IS the mating call of the eel and his or her fellow slippery critters;  the type that just can't quite commit to much of anything.  Or at least to much of anything that YOU want.  A type like this will come close enough to do what feels good to him or her in the moment;  he'll move in or move you in....you'll share a checkbook...you may even be expecting a baby.  It all may look real good and feel like the commitment is coming....but it's just a ruse.  Ultimately, what the eel in your life won't ever do is give you his or her word based on what you want and need...and then KEEP IT.

Halfhearted promises, just not "showing up", being repeatedly late, "I forgot"...these are just a few of the day-to-day behaviors present within a relationship with an eel and other slipper critters.  "Don't Fence Me In" was a popular song in the 60s that sums up this mental frame of mind quite well.  In the meantime, you keep hanging on to your unfulfilled relationship by the slender thread of hope.  You become hooked on the great and powerful "Maybe!"  This type of relationship causes you to feel like you are too demanding, too rigid, too inflexible, and of course too selfish.  That's just how your eel wants you to feel.  The worse you feel, the more he or she can do without question...or committment.  What a terrible way to live!

The last and ninth type of emotionally unavailable man or woman is the James Bond (Spies and Lies!) type of person.  This type won't tell you much about whatever is real and true.  "It's private."  "It's not your business."  "What, you don't trust me?" etc. etc.  Secrets and lies are the calling card of James Bond who is in the business of doing whatever and whenever without question.  At first, a relationship with this type can feel extremely exciting and mysterious.  I don't know about you, but I have had clients who were dating so called "CIA Operatives";  hello!  A real CIA operative does not TELL YOU he or she is a CIA operative ever---let alone when you start dating!  Others have married people who are already married...or have been married five, six, or eight times.  One client found out on her wedding day that her husband was married five times before when he had claimed just one former "ex wife".  That's how it is with these James Bond types.  Whatever has happened to them in the past or present, stays with them and goes nowhere else.  Kinda like living in a Las Vegas vacation experience forever.  Again, a very hard way to live a relationship where any hope of real and authentic emotional connection and intimacy is NOT going to happen---ever!  James Bond can also be extremely accusatory towards you:  "Who is this John person on your phone?"  "My doctor." "Then why didn't you write down "Dr. John" as his contact information?"  WHAT THE...!??!?!  But it can be like that too.  I just had someone tell me the other day that his spouse actually asked him what took him five extra minutes to get home from work the other night.   He stopped to use the restroom at a local gas station;  I wonder if she needed the outdoor videocam evidence as well? 

Bryn C. Collins' classic book "Emotional Unavailability:  Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap" speaks to each of these nine types in much more detail;  all I have provided in these last three blog posts on this topic is a "taste" of what this extraordinary useful book is about.  Available on amazon.com...it's one of the classics worth getting to understand yourself and/or the emotionally unavailable man or woman in your life. 

Until next time...







 

Emotionally Unavailable Types....Part II

The way we relate to others on an emotional level can be fraught with pain, frustration, and otherwise seriously "yuck" outcomes.  At one end of the spectrum are those of us who are emotionally bankrupt.  These are the people who "just can't and won't do feelings" for any one of a number of reasons--some of which are due to literal mental and cognitive deficits.  At the other end of the spectrum are those who are ruled by their emotions in the name of  "give it to me now!".  These would include the sociopaths/psychopaths among us.  And somewhere between these two extremes are the emotionally unavailable;  people who have developed a preferred method of emotions-based sharing of information and exchanges of care that keeps their own hands clean (in their own minds) and their perceived self-image intact.  Today's blogpost is about the next three types of emotionally unavailable people whose close personal relationships are based on any one or combination of these specific styles of emotional relating...

Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls:  In her book "Emotional Unavailability", author Bryn C. Collins initially describes this type as follows:   "Well, my mom always knew what I wanted without my having to tell her.  Why can't you figure it out?  Why do I always have to tell you what I need?" or, "If my daddy thought I was unhappy, he would buy me something to make me feel better.  What are you going to do for me?"  Welcome to the world of Type #4 on our list of the nine emotionally unavailable types of people among us.  In a relationship with a Mama's Boy or a Daddy's Girl, you become another member of their admiring audience (which of course includes their mommy and daddy!)...but not as a full member.  Instead, you are to remain in a subordinate role to your Mama's Boy or Daddy's Girl...as well as to their mommy...and to their daddy too. 

Secondly, your love will be compared....usually in an unfavorable manner, to that which mama and daddy offered then and offer right now to their beloved Mama's Boy or Daddy's Girl.  Often this love of yours will be measured in terms of "boundary free acceptance" ("What's the big deal?  My mother never got upset when my dad..." etc. etc.)  This boundary free acceptance is highly dysfunctional because it gives junior or missy carte blanche to do whatever they feel like doing without any regard for any real consequences.  Whatever has gone wrong is everybody else's fault...society, his teacher, his last girlfriend...his boss...blah de blah blah.  Nobody understands the "real" him....because after all he IS so special.  Basically these mamas and daddies function best as their adult children(s)' publicist AND firemen.  No matter what has been done that is morally, legally, or in whatever other way "wrong"....it's still all OKAY and why can't you just leave poor junior or missy alone for God's sake!

This type of emotionally unavailable person by majority leaves his or her partner feeling bruised, confused, with a scattered and shattered sense of reality, of one's own self esteem, and one's own belief system.  Choosing a Mama's Boy or Daddy's Girl means that you better join the chorus of protection that surrounds your partner...or you will definitely be more OUT than IN over the course of time.  Probably the best (and yet saddest!) case of a Mama's Boy gone postal was when, after several years of marriage, "Junior" decided to inform his wife one day that he found a girlfriend and planned to go away for three weeks on vacation with her in case wifey wondered where he was during that time.  To say this wife was shocked out of her socks is putting it mildly;  their divorce was made even more difficult when his parents flipped out because wifey "let this happen" and was simultaneously cut out of their lives as well.  Yikes.  Talk about RUN FORREST RUN!  But at least she recovered even though her ex-husband is still roamin' those streets of their town to this very day...

Next on our list are the "Holics".  You know, the people who get focused on one behavior to the exclusion of anything else...including their relationships.  Yet---at the same time---they demand your unconditional and absolute devotion to them and their obsession(s).  This expectation helps the "Holic" stay in control of you without having to exert much effort.  Author Bryn C. Collins in her book "Emotional Unavailability" states "Good judgment comes from experience, but experience comes from bad judgment!"  Whether your Holic is a Spenda-holic, an Alco-holic, a Sexa-holic, a Worka-holic, and/or a Gambler-holic doesn't matter.  It's all about your Holic's obsession as their own primary emotional focus.  It means you will never be the primary emotional focus for this person.  That position has already been filled:  by the bottle, by the body, by the slot machines, by the work, by the drugs of choice, by mommy or daddy, sports...whatever!  If you haven't already guessed, we're talking addiction here.  Addiction to some behavioral process or some substance that makes YOU second fiddle to whatever it is your Holic is addicted to/obsessed by.  You are not now and never will be powerful enough to cause your addicted partner to change, give up the "thing" they are addicted to, behave in a responsible way, treat you in the way in which you deserve to be treated (as an equal!), and stop lying to you on a routine basis.  YOU CANNOT EARN WHAT DOES NOT EXIST.  Like the old saying goes, "If someone treats you like you don't matter, believe them.  You don't."  That's all folks.

Emotional Einsteins:  The Thinking Person's "Love".  This sixth type of emotionally unavailable person relies on what they THINK in their brain to create and maintain emotional connection or intimacy...instead of what they FEEL in their heart.  It's a long and winding road between those 12-13" that separate the brain from the heart.  Emotional Einsteins are characterized by their amazing capacity to put everything (and I do mean everything!) in intellectual terms.  NOTHING that is shared goes un-analyzed.  Even the most so-called "emotional" moments will be carefully controlled so that it doesn't break loose and get....too "emotional".  To Emotional Einsteins the only thing in the world that's safe is thought.  Emotions are viewed as too turbulent, too unpredictable, and definitely too uncontrollable.  They must be avoided at all costs by this type of emotionally unavailable male or female.  Even saying "I love you" to an Emotional Einstein very easily leads to "Do you mean in the romantic sense or in a familial sense or universally..."  EGADS!  If we need to learn anything in this life, it is that emotions can NOT be analyzed, dissected, quantified, qualified, categorized, and tied into neat little packages.  If you find yourself in a relationship with an Emotional Einstein, there is nothing you could ever say or do that will break down that wall that has been firmly erected around his or her heart.

Next time, we will present the last three types of emotionally unavailables in our midst:  The One in The Mirror (Narcissists), Eels and Other Slippery Critters, and James Bond (Spies and Lies).

Have a great week!