We all have a difficult time with taking responsibility for our own junk. We just do. We are human beings; we don't like feeling controlled or being told what we should do about A, B, or C. Instead of doing our own work to solve our own real life right now problems that only we have the power to solve ourselves, we don't. Inside each of us is a stash of broken records (of everything we keep saying and doing over and over again to avoid doing our own work!) that will remain there until we actually DO something to solve the issues which created those broken records in the first place.
When I was growing up, the first friend I can remember was a neighbor who lived a few doors down. I didn't realize it then, but one of the "broken record" aspects of our relationship was that "C" (as I will refer to her) made a very bad habit of blaming me for whatever and whenever. After so many years of this treatment, I could have very easily introduced myself to new people by stating: "Hi! My name is Mary and it IS my fault!" Such was the insidiousness of the codependent dynamic between C and myself. Over the years, other friends I had made who met "C" would comment privately to me about her general "It's YOUR fault!" attitude. "What is her problem?!" "Why is she such a downer?" "Doesn't she know how to have a good time?" Apparently not. I can specifically remember a time going to a disco (yes, I am that old!) and C chastizing me for not "talking" to her while our group was inside the disco. "I agree to go out with you and all you want to do is meet guys and dance all night!" Uh, YEAH, that would be the point since we are all 18 years old at the time. But not to C. It was my responsibility to make sure she was comfortable, entertained, and God knows what else she expected that I didn't provide her with that evening. It wasn't until C let go of me that I was able to let go of her at around age 30.
Now here's the rub about how I fed the beast of C's broken record entitled "You Owe Me!" while creating my own. As a kid, I would just go over to C's house whenever I felt like it. The side door was always open and led directly into their basement. I would walk in, go downstairs, and start banging on the piano. Did I knock on the door first before entering the house? Of course not! Did I wait for C's mother to come to the door and ask "Can C come out to play?" Of course not! Did I even care if C was in the house when I decided to go over there? No, not really. In other words, I was a gifted boundary violator. As my own family's home was a war zone 99.9% of the time, I needed a close by-enough refuge. C's house was it. Not that C's parents or C herself knew what was going on within my family's home...but I certainly did. Therefore, by the time C started to blame me for everything...I had already established a pattern as her family's 5th kid. I don't think her parents or C herself wanted a 5th kid; but they all got me anyway. And that was my own broken record; "You Need Me!" Geez...funny how that goes isn't it? A "You Owe Me!" broken record always somehow manages to find a "You Need Me!" broken record to bring the two broke pieces together as....ONE! Except in all cases, two broken records, just like two wrongs, don't suddenly make things right.
We are all broken records in some way, shape, or form. The round hole in your head perfectly fits the square peg in mine. Yet we have a fresh chance, every single day, to do at least some of our own work in solving our "own" issues and problems. Over time, we can revolutionize our own lives by actually making a habit out of that which only began as practice. We can be more personally responsible, we can be more empowered to do for ourselves as we should, and we can feel the love from the inside out instead of the other way around.
In my experiences with C, I learned a great deal about what I was and was not responsible for...but I also learned how it is not o.k. to dishonestly manipulate any one person or situation for my own needs satisfaction. More on that (needs satisfaction!) next post..
Have a great weekend!
When I was growing up, the first friend I can remember was a neighbor who lived a few doors down. I didn't realize it then, but one of the "broken record" aspects of our relationship was that "C" (as I will refer to her) made a very bad habit of blaming me for whatever and whenever. After so many years of this treatment, I could have very easily introduced myself to new people by stating: "Hi! My name is Mary and it IS my fault!" Such was the insidiousness of the codependent dynamic between C and myself. Over the years, other friends I had made who met "C" would comment privately to me about her general "It's YOUR fault!" attitude. "What is her problem?!" "Why is she such a downer?" "Doesn't she know how to have a good time?" Apparently not. I can specifically remember a time going to a disco (yes, I am that old!) and C chastizing me for not "talking" to her while our group was inside the disco. "I agree to go out with you and all you want to do is meet guys and dance all night!" Uh, YEAH, that would be the point since we are all 18 years old at the time. But not to C. It was my responsibility to make sure she was comfortable, entertained, and God knows what else she expected that I didn't provide her with that evening. It wasn't until C let go of me that I was able to let go of her at around age 30.
Now here's the rub about how I fed the beast of C's broken record entitled "You Owe Me!" while creating my own. As a kid, I would just go over to C's house whenever I felt like it. The side door was always open and led directly into their basement. I would walk in, go downstairs, and start banging on the piano. Did I knock on the door first before entering the house? Of course not! Did I wait for C's mother to come to the door and ask "Can C come out to play?" Of course not! Did I even care if C was in the house when I decided to go over there? No, not really. In other words, I was a gifted boundary violator. As my own family's home was a war zone 99.9% of the time, I needed a close by-enough refuge. C's house was it. Not that C's parents or C herself knew what was going on within my family's home...but I certainly did. Therefore, by the time C started to blame me for everything...I had already established a pattern as her family's 5th kid. I don't think her parents or C herself wanted a 5th kid; but they all got me anyway. And that was my own broken record; "You Need Me!" Geez...funny how that goes isn't it? A "You Owe Me!" broken record always somehow manages to find a "You Need Me!" broken record to bring the two broke pieces together as....ONE! Except in all cases, two broken records, just like two wrongs, don't suddenly make things right.
We are all broken records in some way, shape, or form. The round hole in your head perfectly fits the square peg in mine. Yet we have a fresh chance, every single day, to do at least some of our own work in solving our "own" issues and problems. Over time, we can revolutionize our own lives by actually making a habit out of that which only began as practice. We can be more personally responsible, we can be more empowered to do for ourselves as we should, and we can feel the love from the inside out instead of the other way around.
In my experiences with C, I learned a great deal about what I was and was not responsible for...but I also learned how it is not o.k. to dishonestly manipulate any one person or situation for my own needs satisfaction. More on that (needs satisfaction!) next post..
Have a great weekend!