I got an email the other day from someone I know who is about to sign off on her divorce. She happened to ask me if it was "normal" to be torn now because she and her soon-to-be ex saw each other last week for the first time in months. To put it bluntly, they "missed" each other and she wasn't sure if getting divorced was such a good idea after all. They have been married a handful of years and have no children.
This kind of thing happens often enough. Regardless of what happened throughout the course of the marriage, it is much easier to remember "the good times" when a person is feeling extraordinarily lonely, helpless, vulnerable, sad, and/or generally "bad" about themselves. We all get it. As I had someone tell me many years ago, "I'd rather have him beat me than ignore me." I am also reminded of the saying describing how a fool and his folly are much like a dog that returns to its own vomit. Regardless of what logic dictates, we keep going back for more...back for more.
I think part of the problem with humanity is that we are eternal optimists when it comes to the way we judge people who really and truly don't deserve our optimism. Do I sound cynical? Well, so what. It's true anyway. I just finished reading a book entitled "After Perfect" where a family was thrown into the abyss after the man of the house was found to be a co-conspirator of the real-life "Wolf of Wall Street". Kind of like what happened in the movie "Blue Jasmine", but written from one of the daughter's perspective. It's a tragic story; even made more tragic because the author kept believing in her father's love and loyalty towards her in spite of reality. She didn't wake up from her self-imposed fog until long after she achieved financial ruin because of the ongoing exploitation. Listen, people don't change for the authentic better just because we want them to. People don't change for the authentic better because time has passed and they say the right-enough things "now" when they speak to us. Unless a person has done a sh** ton of work that would include changing their playmates and their playground(s), psychotherapy, self-help groups, and/or experiencing an authentic spiritual transformation with the evidence to prove it...it's all a bunch of baloney. Just as it is and remained for this author's parent. Changing for the better means the ways in which we THINK have to change...the ways in which we FEEL have to change...and the ways in which we BEHAVE have to change. And not just for a week, or a month, or a season----but for good. In the author's book, her dad was eventually released from prison and is rumored to have remarried a much younger woman from a foreign country. Of course he did. Who knows...he may go ahead to have another three daughters to replace those he left behind as well!
So, back to this person who asked me the other day about her impending divorce. I can't tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do. Nobody can. If she wants a divorce, she'll sign those papers. And if she doesn't want a divorce, she won't sign those papers. And whichever way that goes, if she wants to see and sleep with her husband or ex-husband or whatever he is to her after all is said and done---she'll do that too.
We all want to drink the kool-aid by believing that "our" influence (which is of course positive!) will somehow encourage and inspire the positive changes we wish to see in another. Reminds me of the time when a friend from church kept talking about her friend who needed a "religious conversion" because she was a drug user and a stripper. (Yes, girls and boys, there was a time when drug-using strippers were not celebrated and revered as they are today...) Instead of THAT happening, my friend herself became a drug-using stripper and Jesus got way lost somewhere in that shuffle.
Also somewhere along the way we came to believe that people are naturally "good" by nature. No we aren't. We are selfish, angry when crossed, lazy, pride-filled, envious, addicted to "more", and lust-filled by nature. To change for the better is an ongoing process...and basically represents our life's work when we commit ourselves to it. But to commit ourselves...now there's a challenge. And just because we want this person we are divorcing to make that commitment....is NO indication that they will. Nobody can change you but you. Nobody can change me but me. And how or why we think we can change someone else for the better is what got us into all this trouble in the first place!
Until next time...and happy new year 2016 while I'm at it!
This kind of thing happens often enough. Regardless of what happened throughout the course of the marriage, it is much easier to remember "the good times" when a person is feeling extraordinarily lonely, helpless, vulnerable, sad, and/or generally "bad" about themselves. We all get it. As I had someone tell me many years ago, "I'd rather have him beat me than ignore me." I am also reminded of the saying describing how a fool and his folly are much like a dog that returns to its own vomit. Regardless of what logic dictates, we keep going back for more...back for more.
I think part of the problem with humanity is that we are eternal optimists when it comes to the way we judge people who really and truly don't deserve our optimism. Do I sound cynical? Well, so what. It's true anyway. I just finished reading a book entitled "After Perfect" where a family was thrown into the abyss after the man of the house was found to be a co-conspirator of the real-life "Wolf of Wall Street". Kind of like what happened in the movie "Blue Jasmine", but written from one of the daughter's perspective. It's a tragic story; even made more tragic because the author kept believing in her father's love and loyalty towards her in spite of reality. She didn't wake up from her self-imposed fog until long after she achieved financial ruin because of the ongoing exploitation. Listen, people don't change for the authentic better just because we want them to. People don't change for the authentic better because time has passed and they say the right-enough things "now" when they speak to us. Unless a person has done a sh** ton of work that would include changing their playmates and their playground(s), psychotherapy, self-help groups, and/or experiencing an authentic spiritual transformation with the evidence to prove it...it's all a bunch of baloney. Just as it is and remained for this author's parent. Changing for the better means the ways in which we THINK have to change...the ways in which we FEEL have to change...and the ways in which we BEHAVE have to change. And not just for a week, or a month, or a season----but for good. In the author's book, her dad was eventually released from prison and is rumored to have remarried a much younger woman from a foreign country. Of course he did. Who knows...he may go ahead to have another three daughters to replace those he left behind as well!
So, back to this person who asked me the other day about her impending divorce. I can't tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do. Nobody can. If she wants a divorce, she'll sign those papers. And if she doesn't want a divorce, she won't sign those papers. And whichever way that goes, if she wants to see and sleep with her husband or ex-husband or whatever he is to her after all is said and done---she'll do that too.
We all want to drink the kool-aid by believing that "our" influence (which is of course positive!) will somehow encourage and inspire the positive changes we wish to see in another. Reminds me of the time when a friend from church kept talking about her friend who needed a "religious conversion" because she was a drug user and a stripper. (Yes, girls and boys, there was a time when drug-using strippers were not celebrated and revered as they are today...) Instead of THAT happening, my friend herself became a drug-using stripper and Jesus got way lost somewhere in that shuffle.
Also somewhere along the way we came to believe that people are naturally "good" by nature. No we aren't. We are selfish, angry when crossed, lazy, pride-filled, envious, addicted to "more", and lust-filled by nature. To change for the better is an ongoing process...and basically represents our life's work when we commit ourselves to it. But to commit ourselves...now there's a challenge. And just because we want this person we are divorcing to make that commitment....is NO indication that they will. Nobody can change you but you. Nobody can change me but me. And how or why we think we can change someone else for the better is what got us into all this trouble in the first place!
Until next time...and happy new year 2016 while I'm at it!