"Sam" (not his real name) is now 40 years old. Sam is very attractive, very sweet, and very addicted to both alcohol and cocaine. When Sam is low on funds, he'll drink cheap beer and snort Adderall. When Sam is flush, it's all about Glenfiddich, a Cohiba (cigar), and some flake (high grade cocaine). Sam has been in and out of rehabs ever since he was 17 years old...but, as Sam himself would say, "..nobody really quits unless they want to..." Sam also believes he is capable of stopping his poly-substance abuse habit at any time. "It's all about mind over matter...but if I don't mind.. then it don't matter.." is something Sam likes to say quite a lot.
Sam's work history has been good enough because of parents who have their own business and who have allowed Sam to draw a paycheck from it since he turned 18. Without their financial support, Sam could very easily be homeless. Sam lives with his on-again off-again girlfriend "Sue", who owns her own house. Sam claims that Sue is one of those few people who truly understands him and doesn't judge him harshly. Sam is also the father of an eight year old daughter, who Sue is happy to care for when Sam has her on alternate weekends. For all intent and purposes, Sam's life looks pretty on track considering he has enough people in his life who willingly enable his drug and alcohol use. Without them, Sam's life would certainly fall apart...and quick.
For active addicts like Sam, finding and maintaining codependent enablers is crucial for Sam to continue drinking and using to the extent he does. If the people in Sam's life who enable him could be described as the part of a house...they'd be the floor. It is on their heads and shoulders that Sam walks through his life on a daily basis. Without them to prop him up, he'd fall into the abyss of his own making. Much like the narcissist and the codependent dynamic I discussed in a recent post, Sam has found himself a whole lot of people who are willing to make Sam the center of their universe...rather than just a part of their lives. All Sam has to do is....whatever he wants. All his enablers have to do is make sure Sam doesn't end up homeless...or money-less...or leave them. Sam has a whole lot of power (over his codependent enablers)...a whole lot of pleasure (via his substance use and abuse)...and a whole lot of constant opportunities to avoid facing the wreckage he has made of his life (and the responsibilities that go with it)!
When Sam was about to turn 42, he was arrested and convicted of mortgage fraud. Turned out that his parents' money wasn't enough to keep Sam flush. Just prior to his imprisonment, Sam hung himself. He had told one of his friends that he'd rather die than end up in prison..though his friend didn't take Sam's words seriously. At Sam's funeral, his parents and girlfriend were barely able to stand. Sam's little girl wasn't there, and neither was her mother. Everyone who knew and loved Sam kept saying "Such a tragedy...Sam was such a nice guy." Tragedy indeed.
Is there an addict like Sam in your closet? Perhaps today is the day you need to take a hard look at your own role as a codependent enabler in the life of someone you love and care about. Contrary to the truth, there is nobody whose love, care, and support will "save" or "rescue" or "fix" an active addict. Regardless of the lies you have told yourself, the longer someone remains addicted...the more "sick" they become physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. At some point, their constant complaints of feeling or being suddenly "sick" (with symptoms very similar to a bad flu) are merely signs of them going through withdrawal. This is when the addict realizes that he or she needs more of the same drugs or different drugs to avoid becoming "sick" once again. Ultimately, the active addict is at risk of having a brain seizure (and dying) when their regular pattern of alcohol and/or drug use suddenly stops...or starts back up again. Like what happened to Amy Winehouse after she detoxed and then went on a bender. Like what happened to someone I knew who was truly sick with a sinus infection....didn't drink her regular fifth of vodka that day...and never woke up the next morning. Others, not unlike Sam, turn to criminal activity in order to finance their growing habit. Since 80% of the prison population in this country are abusers of alcohol and/or drugs...you can see how this is a catastrophic problem in our culture.
Al Anon and Nar-Anon are just two groups that cater to the family and loved ones of active addicts. You may not be able to rescue, fix, or save anybody else, but you can learn how to manage yourself and the more "appropriate" interactions with the addict in your closet.
See you next time...