Not all narcissistic men or women appear "inappropriate" to the outside world. As a matter of fact, some of the most seasoned of narcissists are quite "conformed" (on the surface that is!) to their own perceptions of the majority's world views which surround them. This is to say that they are the ultimate of chameleons; they appear however they believe they "need" to appear in order to blend in with their surroundings. I have worked with and have known highly narcissistic males and females who are leaders within the church...who volunteer their time regularly to "good" causes...and who have their partner both wrapped around their finger and under their thumb simultaneously. You see, narcissists have to be in complete control, or everything is in complete chaos. With their inordinate need for attention, for admiration, and for validation...the narcissist will stop at NOTHING to ensure his or her own needs satisfaction. Our problem, as the general public, is that we have this mental image of narcissists ALL behaving as haughty, entitled, and dismissive King and Queen babies easily spotted from a distance. Although true for a segment of this population, there is that other, much larger, segment that we keep choosing to ignore. The outwardly kindest appearing, socially conservative, most "Godly" person you know (as one example) can very often be a raging narcissist behind their own closed doors. For the codependent spouse and children of such such a person, life is a series of confusing hypocrisies---neglect---rejection---and of course "putting on the good show".
The codependent partner of a narcissistic male or female needs to bask in the glow of their spouse's artificial light at every turn. Codependents, if you may remember from past posts, are addicted to their own need to be needed. Of course it gets to be too much to be needed by "everyone" in their lives---so they usually zero in on a single individual as their life's work (and focus of their "care"). Who better than the narcissistic partner? Because codependency, by its very nature, allows it's participants to flip flop back and forth between functioning as "takers" and functioning as "givers"...the poor codependent doesn't nearly get to be a "taker" as often as he or she hopes (especially when in relationship with a narcissist!). Narcissists aren't that easily fooled. "Oh darling, you'll feel fine. Forget that you just went through a difficult hospitalization and were told by your doctors not to exhaust yourself. I'm with you! You'll be fine! I'll take care of you!" As she shleps the luggage out the door to the car because hubby is "busy right now". As she hacks and coughs her way to the airport but can't stop at CVS to get cough drops because "we'll be late to the airport". As she sweats on the plane and wants a drink of water but he says "Quit rifling through that bag you're making a racket!" See what I mean? It's a match made in hell for sure and 3/4 of the time...the participants involved don't even want to know it!
When you sense that your partner often seems to manipulate reality to make themselves be and feel most comfortable...chances are very high you have hooked your star onto a narcissist. I knew of an elderly couple where the male gave their entire nest egg away to a younger family he was distantly related to in order to ensure his own care and comfort when his time came. When it did, this family only had him for one day before returning him to his long suffering and highly codependent wife. He ended up in a nursing home and died fairly miserable. His wife, still not understanding the magnitude of his choice to give away all of their money, kept repeating she had a "fabulous life" with this man because...??? Because she didn't know any other way to BE except as a codependent servant to her husband's every whim.
The true victims of true injustice in this toxic coupling are those children who are created and/or dumped in the middle of this dynamic. Because they don't know any better, they are pretty much doomed to grow up and repeat what they witnessed in their own adult lives. I know. I see it often enough in my practice. I've seen it often enough in my life also.
The Narcissist and the Codependent are NOT a couple you would want to get to know any better, unless of course you are comfortably familiar enough with a similar dynamic to begin with...
Until next post....