How well do you love and understand your partner? As I have blogged about before, authentic intimacy between two people isn't just about sex (physical intimacy). Physical intimacy is just one of the three forms of authentic intimacy that can occur between partners in a committed relationship. These other two forms of intimacy are (1) emotional intimacy and (2) spiritual intimacy. Emotional and spiritual intimacy are like the cake; physical intimacy is like the icing on the cake. Unfortunately, too many couples have made physical intimacy the cake...and haven't even concerned themselves that much with truly understanding each other emotionally and spiritually speaking...let alone on an ongoing basis.
Into-me-you-see is one way we psychotherapists paraphrase the meaning of authentic intimacy. Into me, you see who I am---and I see who you are. Truly and deeply. Each and every day. Not just on weekends or family holidays. Not just on vacation. Not just during the honeymoon. And we wonder why the divorce rate in this country is nearing 60% for first-time marriages!
When we stop being willing to understand our partner...and when we are no longer willing to be understood by our partner---we have recoiled from the relationship. There can be no true and authentic intimacy between us. Many couples try to fake their way through this disturbing reality, but generally to no good long-term outcome. Couples end up leading and living parallel lives where "You do your thing; I do mine!". This perfect storm lifestyle creates not just angry feelings, but resentment and bitterness which hurts everyone connected to the couple (not to mention any children and grandchildren!). Then when the pattern repeats itself in the successive generation(s)...why is everyone so surprised? We shouldn't be. We do what we know...and we do what we have learned. Achieving and maintaining true emotional and spiritual intimacy takes work; it isn't just something that "happens" magically or mysteriously...for anyone.
What's your intimacy IQ? Why not take this weekend to get together with your partner/spouse and test yourselves on this front. Get a piece of paper and a pen. Together, just randomly decide on 15 numbers between 1 and 50. Write the numbers down in a column on the left-hand side of your paper. Then use this list of 50 questions which have been numbered. Match the numbers you chose with the corresponding questions. Next, each of you take turns asking your partner their questions, alternating turns. If your partner answers correctly (because you are the judge), he or she receives the number of points indicated for that question....and you yourself receive one point. If your partner answers incorrectly, neither of you receives any points. The same rules apply when you answer. The winner is the person with the highest score after you've both answered your 15 questions. By virtue of the questions, you are getting the gist of what it means to be emotionally and spiritually intimate with your partner. If you look at these questions and don't even know the answer to some or most of them (regarding yourself), then now would be a good time to start figuring out who you authentically are as a person. In this case, when we don't know who we really are, we will be whomever we think other people need us to be in any given moment. And that's not a good plan I'm just sayin'!
As you can see, achieving and maintaining true emotional and spiritual intimacy is a living and breathing part of your relationship...for as long as your relationship lasts.
1. What do I believe to be absolutely true about humanity and why we exist here on earth? (4)
2. What do I believe is my primary purpose in life? (4)
3. Why did I fall in love with you? (4)
4. What would I do if I saw someone screaming "Help!" out the window of a burning building? (4)
5. What do I believe will happen to me when I die? (4)
6. What do I believe will happen to you when you die? (4)
7. What is my life's greatest joy so far? (4)
8. What is my life's greatest regret so far? (4)
9. Who do I most miss from my life who is now deceased? (4)
10. If I could have a one-on-one conversation with anybody from history for an hour, who would it be? (4)
11. How do I define what real love is and means? (4)
12. What is my greatest personal strength? (4)
13. What behavior do I engage in repeatedly that is most annoying to you personally speaking? (4)
14. What current problem do we have as a couple that we haven't yet been able to resolve successfully? (4)
15. What have we, as a couple, accomplished together that we are most proud of? (4)
16. What do I believe to be true about the power of prayer? (4)
17. What do I believe to be true about the power of meditation? (4)
18. What is the worst thing that's ever happened to me? (4)
19. What is the best thing that's ever happened to me? (4)
20. If I could change anything about me instantly, what would that thing be? (4)
21. Who is my best friend and why? (4)
22. What is the biggest lesson I learned as a result of having the parent(s) I had growing up? (4)
23. What do I believe to be absolutely true about the power of forgiveness? (4)
24. What secret habit do I have that I don't yet realize isn't really a secret at all? (4)
25. What have I done most recently to actively show my love for you as my partner? (4)
26. What are some of the highlights from my life thus far? (4)
27. Where would I love to go on our next vacation...and why? (4)
28. How easy or how difficult is it for you to understand me...and why? (4)
29. When was the last time we had a lot of fun together? (4)
30. What is it about me that people claim to appreciate the most? (4)
31. When was the last time I gave to someone else without any strings or expectations attached? (4)
32. How over-responsible am I..and in what areas of my life? (4)
33. How under-responsible am I...and in what areas of my life? (4)
34. How much "quality time" do we need to spend with each other every week to feel connected? (4)
35. How much "quality time" to we need to spend with each other each day to feel connected? (4)
36. Who do I most remind you of from the people we have known or now know...and why? (4)
37. Which one of us does better in a crisis situation and why? (4)
38. What is my greatest fear? (4)
38. In what circumstance have I demonstrated the most courage? (4)
39. Who do I want a better relationship with and why? (4)
40. Who has left my life and has caused me tremendous pain as a result of their departure? (4)
41. Who is a part of my life and brings me great joy? (4)
42. What personal goal do I have yet to achieve? (4)
43. Am I a student of life? Why or why not? (4)
44. Who do I need to apologize to today and why? (4)
45. Where does my authentic hope for the future come from? (4)
46. How well do I pay attention to the present moment(s) of my life? (4)
47. What medical issue (if any!) have I perhaps faced...but have not yet changed? (4)
48. How do I define a "good relationship"? (4)
49. What makes me special in your eyes? (4)
50. If this was our last day on earth together, how would we spend today? (4)
Psychotherapy is always an option for couples who recognize and seek help in re-creating the emotional and spiritual bonds between them. The website www.psychologytoday.com allows anyone to enter their own zip code to find a therapist in their immediate area. Each therapist profile includes a photo and detailed information regarding his or her practice.
Into-me-you-see is one way we psychotherapists paraphrase the meaning of authentic intimacy. Into me, you see who I am---and I see who you are. Truly and deeply. Each and every day. Not just on weekends or family holidays. Not just on vacation. Not just during the honeymoon. And we wonder why the divorce rate in this country is nearing 60% for first-time marriages!
When we stop being willing to understand our partner...and when we are no longer willing to be understood by our partner---we have recoiled from the relationship. There can be no true and authentic intimacy between us. Many couples try to fake their way through this disturbing reality, but generally to no good long-term outcome. Couples end up leading and living parallel lives where "You do your thing; I do mine!". This perfect storm lifestyle creates not just angry feelings, but resentment and bitterness which hurts everyone connected to the couple (not to mention any children and grandchildren!). Then when the pattern repeats itself in the successive generation(s)...why is everyone so surprised? We shouldn't be. We do what we know...and we do what we have learned. Achieving and maintaining true emotional and spiritual intimacy takes work; it isn't just something that "happens" magically or mysteriously...for anyone.
What's your intimacy IQ? Why not take this weekend to get together with your partner/spouse and test yourselves on this front. Get a piece of paper and a pen. Together, just randomly decide on 15 numbers between 1 and 50. Write the numbers down in a column on the left-hand side of your paper. Then use this list of 50 questions which have been numbered. Match the numbers you chose with the corresponding questions. Next, each of you take turns asking your partner their questions, alternating turns. If your partner answers correctly (because you are the judge), he or she receives the number of points indicated for that question....and you yourself receive one point. If your partner answers incorrectly, neither of you receives any points. The same rules apply when you answer. The winner is the person with the highest score after you've both answered your 15 questions. By virtue of the questions, you are getting the gist of what it means to be emotionally and spiritually intimate with your partner. If you look at these questions and don't even know the answer to some or most of them (regarding yourself), then now would be a good time to start figuring out who you authentically are as a person. In this case, when we don't know who we really are, we will be whomever we think other people need us to be in any given moment. And that's not a good plan I'm just sayin'!
As you can see, achieving and maintaining true emotional and spiritual intimacy is a living and breathing part of your relationship...for as long as your relationship lasts.
1. What do I believe to be absolutely true about humanity and why we exist here on earth? (4)
2. What do I believe is my primary purpose in life? (4)
3. Why did I fall in love with you? (4)
4. What would I do if I saw someone screaming "Help!" out the window of a burning building? (4)
5. What do I believe will happen to me when I die? (4)
6. What do I believe will happen to you when you die? (4)
7. What is my life's greatest joy so far? (4)
8. What is my life's greatest regret so far? (4)
9. Who do I most miss from my life who is now deceased? (4)
10. If I could have a one-on-one conversation with anybody from history for an hour, who would it be? (4)
11. How do I define what real love is and means? (4)
12. What is my greatest personal strength? (4)
13. What behavior do I engage in repeatedly that is most annoying to you personally speaking? (4)
14. What current problem do we have as a couple that we haven't yet been able to resolve successfully? (4)
15. What have we, as a couple, accomplished together that we are most proud of? (4)
16. What do I believe to be true about the power of prayer? (4)
17. What do I believe to be true about the power of meditation? (4)
18. What is the worst thing that's ever happened to me? (4)
19. What is the best thing that's ever happened to me? (4)
20. If I could change anything about me instantly, what would that thing be? (4)
21. Who is my best friend and why? (4)
22. What is the biggest lesson I learned as a result of having the parent(s) I had growing up? (4)
23. What do I believe to be absolutely true about the power of forgiveness? (4)
24. What secret habit do I have that I don't yet realize isn't really a secret at all? (4)
25. What have I done most recently to actively show my love for you as my partner? (4)
26. What are some of the highlights from my life thus far? (4)
27. Where would I love to go on our next vacation...and why? (4)
28. How easy or how difficult is it for you to understand me...and why? (4)
29. When was the last time we had a lot of fun together? (4)
30. What is it about me that people claim to appreciate the most? (4)
31. When was the last time I gave to someone else without any strings or expectations attached? (4)
32. How over-responsible am I..and in what areas of my life? (4)
33. How under-responsible am I...and in what areas of my life? (4)
34. How much "quality time" do we need to spend with each other every week to feel connected? (4)
35. How much "quality time" to we need to spend with each other each day to feel connected? (4)
36. Who do I most remind you of from the people we have known or now know...and why? (4)
37. Which one of us does better in a crisis situation and why? (4)
38. What is my greatest fear? (4)
38. In what circumstance have I demonstrated the most courage? (4)
39. Who do I want a better relationship with and why? (4)
40. Who has left my life and has caused me tremendous pain as a result of their departure? (4)
41. Who is a part of my life and brings me great joy? (4)
42. What personal goal do I have yet to achieve? (4)
43. Am I a student of life? Why or why not? (4)
44. Who do I need to apologize to today and why? (4)
45. Where does my authentic hope for the future come from? (4)
46. How well do I pay attention to the present moment(s) of my life? (4)
47. What medical issue (if any!) have I perhaps faced...but have not yet changed? (4)
48. How do I define a "good relationship"? (4)
49. What makes me special in your eyes? (4)
50. If this was our last day on earth together, how would we spend today? (4)
Psychotherapy is always an option for couples who recognize and seek help in re-creating the emotional and spiritual bonds between them. The website www.psychologytoday.com allows anyone to enter their own zip code to find a therapist in their immediate area. Each therapist profile includes a photo and detailed information regarding his or her practice.