I wish I could be inside the brains of all the people who have difficulty with asserting themselves in the presence of their loved ones. I have blogged before about negotiating one own needs' satisfaction in our close personal relationships...but when a person quickly surrenders by giving in to the other person's needs and wants on a routine enough basis, that's not good. It teaches that other person how being "liked" by them is more important than being respected by them as an equal. Yes, it's that simple. With couples, this pattern of negotiating-not-really-negotiating-but-giving-in can create a dynamic that ultimately leads to all kinds of inappropriate acting out. Just think about that for a moment. If I typically give in to your demands without truly negotiating a "win/win" scenario...then I can easily rationalize why it's okay for me to do a.b.c. or d. behind your back to balance the scales between us. This is not rocket science. It happens way too often with way too many couples.
"Jim" is an old boyfriend of "Sue" whom he first met 40 years ago. Jim and Sue both have been married and divorced in the past. Currently, Sue has several men that she dates regularly; however, Jim is her "go to" guy for all things domestic. Her lawnmower breaks, time to call Jim. Her curtain rods aren't going up properly; time to call Jim again. She goes on vacation, Jim can watch her dogs for her. What's wrong with this picture? Believe me, it's not all Sue. Jim's inability to say "No thanks, that's not something I can do for you." is what's even more wrong with this picture. Jim doesn't know how to assert himself comfortably and appropriately to much of anybody he knows beyond acquaintance-ship status. Jim is, in some people's minds, a complete sucker; in others, Jim's a saint. In my book, he's someone who is most motivated by the acceptance, approval, and "like" of others---even when those others are clearly malignantly narcisisstic--- more than he cares to realize.
"Sally" has been married to "Fred" for 12 years. Sally recognized Fred's need to do things his own way from Day One of their marriage; that was generally fine with Sally. However, as the years have passed and since the children were born, Sally has felt more and more uncomfortable with Fred's "take charge" personality. It has gotten to the point when Sally tries asserting herself to Fred, he either invalidates her feelings ("You didn't mean that!") or alternately minimizes them ("Oh come on, it isn't that bad!"). Although Sally feels she knows how to assert herself to her husband, she finds herself caving in to his demands like it's the job she never realized she took on---until now. Ultimately, Fred's tactics has left Sally feeling unheard, misunderstood, and extremely frustrated. And then "Jack" came along....
Why we allow ourselves to surrender, why we allow ourselves to lay down underneath that bus, why we allow ourselves to wander into another's arms....still boils down to being most motivated by our inordinate need for the acceptance, approval, and love of others. Even when that acceptance, approval, and love creates within us chronic feelings of hurt, anger, loneliness, guilt, and shame, we just don't know how to stop the pattern. Contrary to popular belief, we do NOT teach others how to comfortably respect our own needs and wants' satisfaction when our actions teach others instead to comfortably dismiss them...
Just the other day there was a documentary on cable about two heroin addicts whose childhoods were filled with horrific realities too heinous to mention here. The young woman was only 18 years old and had been a drug addict since she was 12; she never learned how to even "notice" her own needs and wants in an appropriate way from the get go. She witnessed and experienced unbelievable brutality from the time she was old enough to understand it; it's no surprise she chose the addict lifestyle in order to finally get what she thought she wanted on a moment-by-moment basis.
We don't have to go to that extreme in order to take good enough care of ourselves in the context of our close personal relationships. We don't have to give until we bleed; we don't have to take until everyone leaves us. We must find that space and place within our own hearts where we truly accept and believe ourselves as truly mattering....and mattering enough to finally advocate for ourselves in an appropriate way, every day, and with every body we know, care about, and love.
When we realize why we allowed what we allowed for so long, things can get better for us. But we have to be the agents of those positive changes...not the other person(s) we have felt exploited by. We literally have to learn how to be the change we want to see in others. Remember, we can't change anybody else but ourselves. So let's get crackin'....
Have a great Labor Day weekend!
"Jim" is an old boyfriend of "Sue" whom he first met 40 years ago. Jim and Sue both have been married and divorced in the past. Currently, Sue has several men that she dates regularly; however, Jim is her "go to" guy for all things domestic. Her lawnmower breaks, time to call Jim. Her curtain rods aren't going up properly; time to call Jim again. She goes on vacation, Jim can watch her dogs for her. What's wrong with this picture? Believe me, it's not all Sue. Jim's inability to say "No thanks, that's not something I can do for you." is what's even more wrong with this picture. Jim doesn't know how to assert himself comfortably and appropriately to much of anybody he knows beyond acquaintance-ship status. Jim is, in some people's minds, a complete sucker; in others, Jim's a saint. In my book, he's someone who is most motivated by the acceptance, approval, and "like" of others---even when those others are clearly malignantly narcisisstic--- more than he cares to realize.
"Sally" has been married to "Fred" for 12 years. Sally recognized Fred's need to do things his own way from Day One of their marriage; that was generally fine with Sally. However, as the years have passed and since the children were born, Sally has felt more and more uncomfortable with Fred's "take charge" personality. It has gotten to the point when Sally tries asserting herself to Fred, he either invalidates her feelings ("You didn't mean that!") or alternately minimizes them ("Oh come on, it isn't that bad!"). Although Sally feels she knows how to assert herself to her husband, she finds herself caving in to his demands like it's the job she never realized she took on---until now. Ultimately, Fred's tactics has left Sally feeling unheard, misunderstood, and extremely frustrated. And then "Jack" came along....
Why we allow ourselves to surrender, why we allow ourselves to lay down underneath that bus, why we allow ourselves to wander into another's arms....still boils down to being most motivated by our inordinate need for the acceptance, approval, and love of others. Even when that acceptance, approval, and love creates within us chronic feelings of hurt, anger, loneliness, guilt, and shame, we just don't know how to stop the pattern. Contrary to popular belief, we do NOT teach others how to comfortably respect our own needs and wants' satisfaction when our actions teach others instead to comfortably dismiss them...
Just the other day there was a documentary on cable about two heroin addicts whose childhoods were filled with horrific realities too heinous to mention here. The young woman was only 18 years old and had been a drug addict since she was 12; she never learned how to even "notice" her own needs and wants in an appropriate way from the get go. She witnessed and experienced unbelievable brutality from the time she was old enough to understand it; it's no surprise she chose the addict lifestyle in order to finally get what she thought she wanted on a moment-by-moment basis.
We don't have to go to that extreme in order to take good enough care of ourselves in the context of our close personal relationships. We don't have to give until we bleed; we don't have to take until everyone leaves us. We must find that space and place within our own hearts where we truly accept and believe ourselves as truly mattering....and mattering enough to finally advocate for ourselves in an appropriate way, every day, and with every body we know, care about, and love.
When we realize why we allowed what we allowed for so long, things can get better for us. But we have to be the agents of those positive changes...not the other person(s) we have felt exploited by. We literally have to learn how to be the change we want to see in others. Remember, we can't change anybody else but ourselves. So let's get crackin'....
Have a great Labor Day weekend!