To be assertive. What does that mean actually? What it means is to learn how to comfortably identify and then express one's own thoughts and feelings, in a timely manner, and in an appropriate way...100% of the time. It also means to do this when we are offended by whatever another person has said...or has done...that instantly causes a "check" in our spirit. That "check" may feel like anger...it may feel like fear...and/or it may feel like confusion. Whatever the case, that feeling is our signal that "something isn't right here" and requires (see sentence #3 of this post)..."to comfortably identify and then express one's own thoughts and feelings..." etc. etc.
Why is this so difficult to do? You know we'd rather just keep our mouths shut or have a melt down rather than say what we mean and mean what we say without being mean. Yes, it truly is easier to just keep our mouths shut or, conversely, flip out when we are offended by something someone else has said or done in our presence. Well...there's no time like the present to start flexing our assertiveness muscle because guess what? The alternatives suck. Without learning how to be appropriately assertive, we will end up being either aggressive....or passive....or passive aggressive as our general communications-based relational style. And in all cases, those three choices are very damaging to ourselves and others we care about over the passage of time....
It is easy to be passive when we are being consistently told verbally (or nonverbally!) what to do and when. Not for me, mind you...but for a whole lot of us who would rather not rock the boat of our important relationships. I've had passives (as I will refer to them) say they believe one thing (when they really do not!) because their partner believes in that thing. Really? A man will tell his girlfriend, "Oh yeah, I'm a Christian I believe in God.." when he's just blowing smoke up her rear end because he wants to marry her. A woman tells her boyfriend, "Oh yeah, I like it when you take charge it makes me feel safe.." when she's really starting to feel more afraid than she is safe around the guy. It's passivity that keeps a person stuck in a dysfunctional relationship that should have ended ages ago; it's passivity that keeps a person insecure, second guessing themselves, and worried about "what if" scenarios like it is their job. Listen to me passives....if you want to be a martyr---that is YOUR choice! It is not his fault or her fault or their fault that you have chosen to throw yourself under the bus...you have taken and drunk that Kool Aid....and that you are living your life in pieces instead of in peace because of what "he/she/they" did "to" you. You did it to yourself. You allowed it. Stop it. Stop being so passive. Assert yourself. Start practicing today in this very moment. You can do it!
To be assertive is NOT aggression! Got that? Read, repeat, read, repeat, read repeat. How we got that screwed up is anybody's best guess...but I have my suspicions. For example, I have actually had clients open their mouth to appropriately state a thought or feeling they have (without interrupting the other mind you!)...and that other person instantly cuts in with "STOP YELLING AT ME!" Really? That's not yelling buddy; that's someone just attempting to speak their truth to you appropriately and in this moment. How is that aggressive? I can tell you it's a big problem when one party is more invested in being right and getting their own way the majority of the time in the relationship...and the other party is expected to just keep their mouths shut and do as they are told/ordered/looked at funny/whatever works to achieve instant COMPLIANCE! No wonder attempts at being assertive are confused with acts of aggression! That's gaslighting for you at its best and worst. You just want to let me know how you honestly think and feel...and I falsely accuse you AND harshly judge you for being "aggressive" because you are telling me something I don't think I want to hear. Spare me!!
I've mentioned my aunt and uncle before in previous posts. They are both deceased now. They were married for over 50 years and had no children. Even after my uncle passed and my aunt lived for another 2-1/2 years until her own passing...she STILL kept canonizing the man like he was the second coming of Jesus Christ. (Which believe me, he was NOT!) I had to consistently remind her that I knew him too; she wasn't talking to a new acquaintance or a complete stranger. But she kept up the gaslighting routines in spite of the truth of their marital history. Bottom line was that she was extremely passive...under-responsible by nature...and not interested in EVER bucking the system she agreed to buy into via holy matrimony. Before he died, he managed to fritter their nest egg away on some obscure relatives of his from another country.When she finally "got it" about how he'd rather see their money go to people they really didn't even know versus to her as his faithful wife (and servant)...she was even passive in her reaction. (Shrug of shoulders) "Oh well, you just don't understand how Serbians are.." Uh, hate to tell you Teta YES I DO! That's why I married a NON-Serbian I'm just sayin! ;-)
We can choose to be passive....we can choose to be aggressive...and we can even choose to be passive aggressive. But why we don't choose being assertive when these other three options are so damaging over time is truly tragic! That's why I do what I do. To help people find their voice...find their cahones (my apologies to all Spanish speaking readers if I spelled that wrong!)...and find their assertiveness muscle so they can practice using it. In a timely an appropriate manner of course.
Until next post...