I've heard it said before that we must watch how often and how comfortably we play the victim in the presence of others. When it gets bad enough, it's time to start carrying around our own body chalk. As funny as this joke may sound, it's no joke when we find ourselves as (or in the presence of!) a comfortable victim. Who exactly is a comfortable victim? As alluded to in this month's issue of Psychology Today magazine, such a person believes he or she is probably the most helpful...or giving...or caring person one knows. These self-appointed martyrs are just as narcissistic as their sociopathic counterparts; instead of just taking what they want when they want it---they have to throw in obtaining the approval, acceptance, and favorable feelings from their witness box(es) too. Comfortable victims are akin to the heroes in life who wouldn't even be heroes unless others were watching---and clapping besides. Nothing is done that appears "good" or "altruistic" or "benevolent" without an adoring audience attached. If nobody's around, then there's nobody to impress with one's own halo effect.
The other strain of comfortable victim is the poor me, poor me, pour into me some of your time, energy, efforts, and cash-only-please type of person. This is your Sad Sack I've had such a rough go, such a terrible time, such a tragic history---you MUST help and support me now kind of individual, family, or group. I recall a server at a local bar who managed to finagle hundreds of dollars out of one of her "loyal" customers because her car broke down. Later on, she got another wad of dough from another customer because her rent was overdue. This server gave new meaning to the term "working for tips". As I found out later, all that money went to new tattoos, some pretty high quality skunk, and one heck of a night out for everybody. Grant it, this girl was quite the glamour gaslighter. She could simultaneously recount her tale of woe, engender sufficient empathy, make you feel guilty for her various issues and problems, AND get exactly what she wanted from you all in the same conversation. Who can accomplish that other than the comfortable victim I ask?
It's easy to develop the comfortable victim mindset when it comes so naturally to us. We have all been victims of other victims. We have all been bamboozled; we have all been exploited and taken advantage of. Yet how justified are we to go on and continue the trend so as to even some imaginary score past or present? In its way, playing the victim desensitizes us to ourselves and the authentic needs of others who are truly suffering extraordinary burdens. We become "all about me" while at the same time believing we are all about everybody else. Yikes what a conundrum! We become literally too good or too needy to see the truth of who we actually are; a victim in need of some body chalk stat!
Everybody has their own knapsack of responsibility to carry each day. When extraordinary burdens come, as they inevitably do, then we are free to ask for or offer help. When we confuse the issue by ignoring real extraordinary burdens and yet seeking or expecting help for our own daily knapsacks of responsibility...things get messy fast. We end up feeling angry, lonely, confused, and hurt...and don't have a clue as to why.
Today's post presents the answer behind the "why". Check yourself before you wreck yourself; just how "victim" are you?
The other strain of comfortable victim is the poor me, poor me, pour into me some of your time, energy, efforts, and cash-only-please type of person. This is your Sad Sack I've had such a rough go, such a terrible time, such a tragic history---you MUST help and support me now kind of individual, family, or group. I recall a server at a local bar who managed to finagle hundreds of dollars out of one of her "loyal" customers because her car broke down. Later on, she got another wad of dough from another customer because her rent was overdue. This server gave new meaning to the term "working for tips". As I found out later, all that money went to new tattoos, some pretty high quality skunk, and one heck of a night out for everybody. Grant it, this girl was quite the glamour gaslighter. She could simultaneously recount her tale of woe, engender sufficient empathy, make you feel guilty for her various issues and problems, AND get exactly what she wanted from you all in the same conversation. Who can accomplish that other than the comfortable victim I ask?
It's easy to develop the comfortable victim mindset when it comes so naturally to us. We have all been victims of other victims. We have all been bamboozled; we have all been exploited and taken advantage of. Yet how justified are we to go on and continue the trend so as to even some imaginary score past or present? In its way, playing the victim desensitizes us to ourselves and the authentic needs of others who are truly suffering extraordinary burdens. We become "all about me" while at the same time believing we are all about everybody else. Yikes what a conundrum! We become literally too good or too needy to see the truth of who we actually are; a victim in need of some body chalk stat!
Everybody has their own knapsack of responsibility to carry each day. When extraordinary burdens come, as they inevitably do, then we are free to ask for or offer help. When we confuse the issue by ignoring real extraordinary burdens and yet seeking or expecting help for our own daily knapsacks of responsibility...things get messy fast. We end up feeling angry, lonely, confused, and hurt...and don't have a clue as to why.
Today's post presents the answer behind the "why". Check yourself before you wreck yourself; just how "victim" are you?