Why We Don't Listen.....To Each Other That is!

Which is more frustrating?  To have worked so hard on what you are going to say to someone so they fully understand you...or to realize what you said just went in their one ear, and out the other?

When I taught Professional Communications at a local university as an adjunct.....one of my job requirements was to teach students how to actively listen.  Active listening doesn't come naturally.  Just so you know. Before we can even begin to listen to someone else most effectively, there are any one or combination of twelve blocks that prevent us from paying full attention to what the other person is communicating.  On top of these blocks to active listening being at work within each of us, we may have other issues which keep us from paying full attention (like ADHD, like a personality disorder, like the thoughts in our head we suspect are abnormal but we keep thinkin' them anyway, etc.).  Is it any wonder then why we get so bent out of shape so often for feeling "disrespected" or "misunderstood" or "abused" by this general lack of mutual understanding?  If nobody is really listening AND understanding what has been said, then everyone WILL feel worse than they already do....

I could present the twelve blocks to active listening here, but how about you just google it and it'll pop up for you to read on your own time.  I'd rather focus on why it's so easy to NOT listen to each other in a bigger picture kind of way.

1.  Lack of Respect

How is anybody going to listen to anybody else if there is just a basic lack of respect present in one's life?  A fundamental lack of respect for our fellow human beings means that unless we can figure out what that other person is "good" for (for our own sakes!)...they are useless.  Remember when I've posted before about "Love People and Use Things, NOT Use People and Love Things"?  Well, this is about that simple truth. And guess what else?  If you don't genuinely respect yourself---you will not be able to respect other people no matter how great your delusion about how these two realities are NOT connected to each other!

Ultimately, we are not objects to use and abuse each other...we are equals.  Why do we keep forgetting that?  Why do we listen "better" to someone we are trying to impress...rather than those we believe are trying to impress us?

If you want to check yourself on this particular issue, just look at the evidence(s) you leave behind in regards to your own listening skills and associated relationships.  Have you been told by more than three people on separate occasions that you were NOT listening to them?  Are you confused about your close personal relationships and why they are so (for lack of a better way of putting it!) MESSED UP?  I'm telling you, this lack of respect thing is big big big!  Without respect for oneself and each other---listening is just another thing we pretend to do when what we REALLY want to do is just get what we want or say what we want...when we want to!

2.  Lack of Insight

Whenever I have clients who basically just don't get "it" about whatever...we call that "low insight" in the field of psychology.  I've said before that everyone chooses how much truth they can stand;  imagine how difficult it is to listen to and understand someone when there is a general low tolerance for learning something "new" in the general sense?  To be open minded as a human being means that we first possess a spirit of humility that is open to receiving new information without harsh judgment attached.  To be open minded also means being willing to learn new things that we didn't already think of ourselves.

Have you ever been in the presence of a person who, when you listened to them, was a combination of arrogance, ignorance, and belligerence?  Now add to that mix this type of person telling you how to roll or what to do!  I liken this lack of insight to a blind man telling his driver when to "Watch Out!" for certain road hazards.

Lack of insight means we have developed a pattern of thinking and behaving whereby we do whatever we want...it's o.k. by us...and let's convince others that how we roll is the "best" way to be and that's all there is to it.  Kind of like the bumper sticker:  "You are entitled to your own wrong opinion!"

We all are works in progress.  We all have "new" things to learn and understand.  Nobody is so smart, so together, and so "right" that we don't have to listen to anybody else but the voices inside our own heads.  Just so you know...

3.  Lack of Interest

Isn't it funny how we can always tell when someone else is truly uninterested in what it is we are attempting to communicate?  Sometimes such a lack of interest is due a pre-existing medical and/or mental condition that requires ongoing professional intervention (think Autistic spectrum disorders, think traumatic brain injury, think untreated ADHD, think history of trauma and/or abuse).  Otherwise, a lack of interest can represent a comfortable habit that allows a person to avoid personal responsibility for what he or she could be doing, but keeps choosing not to do.

Whenever I have had a client that won't or can't get past one-word responses to my initial intake questions, I suggest that we run a couple screens to rule out one or more pre-existing conditions.  Typically, those who have made a bad habit out of lacking interest are the first to suddenly answer my questions more thoroughly. Like that would be a surprise right?

To lack interest is tied to lacking both respect and insight...but in ways it's worse than either.  When we just don't care anymore...it's like we are recoiling from relationships generally speaking.  We don't care...we lie to shut others up or placate them temporarily...and we do whatever feels good "now" according to our own timetable.  In other words, we stopped really listening to others a long long time ago.  I get that when past trauma and abuse has been in the picture;  how would you like to be a kid screaming out "Mom!  Dad!  I need you to...!" and neither one ever does it?  I'd learn how to lack interest in others as a result too!  The tragedy here is that your present life gets screwed in the process because you are still reacting to your past by continuing to lack interest in what others have to share with you in your real life right now...

And let's face it, some people who lack interest are just lazy and that's the way they wanna be.  To understand someone else is perceived as more work than cleaning up a house after a tornado.  Which is another topic for another blog post.

Have a great weekend!

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say, Don't Say It Mean..(Part II)

When was the last time you were the target of someone else's mean and nasty moment?  Now you understand that such moments don't necessarily involve yelling, screaming, or the speaker's face turning bright red.  Mean and nasty comes in all shapes and sizes.  Today's post is about people who have no problem saying what they mean, meaning what they say, while saying it "mean" to others....

First we need to look at what constitutes being "mean" (and nasty!) as we say what we mean and mean what we say. It IS mean to harshly judge, falsely accuse, and verbally/emotionally abuse another human being.  It IS mean to physically invade someone's personal space without their prior verbal consent.  In other words, don't stand less than an arm length's away from someone as you are speaking to them or vice versa;  don't put your hands on someone else when they haven't given you permission to do so, etc.  I can remember a woman in our social circle years ago who would speak to most anybody as if she were telling them a secret---about 3" from their face.  This is "mean" in the sense of highly disrespectful to the listener who doesn't need to have someone up in their grill as they are being spoken to.  That goes double for anyone who is a creeper by design or by nature.  By the way, on the creeper front---it's sad for me to notice these days how so many women are joining the creeper ranks because...???  Quagmire may be funny on Family Guy, but believe me, it's both exhausting and offensive to hear about or observe someone else's hypersexuality on blast day or night!  Believe what you will, but nobody and I do mean NOBODY has the right to make you feel highly uncomfortable for residing in your own skin as you speak or listen to them...

Another example of being mean in action is when the speaker emotionally abuses his or her listener with playing their conversation like a game of football.  Dodge here, run there, catch this, don't catch that. Basically, anything to avoid responsibility for what the speaker hasn't yet faced and doesn't ever want to face (being addicted, being abusive, being neglectful, being ignorant, being mentally ill, etc. etc.).  Have you ever listened to someone who has made this sort of distraction-while-communicating their life's work?  It's so exhausting!  And if you are dealing with this form of tyranny, guess what?  There IS a way out from under that rock (keep reading!), but you have to practice it with that person 100% of the time.

Remember that it IS NOT being mean to comfortably confront someone who has just offended you by what they said or did in your presence (Clients:  Listen up!  This is why I keep encouraging you to practice "I hear what you said, but I don't understand what you mean;  can you explain it to me now?" or "Can you tell me why you just said/did that now?" etc. etc.).  You do NOT have to figure out someone else's motives for offending you as they did;  all you have to do is ask them "why" they did it in the moment of the offense. That is all! That's not being mean.  That's being assertive and a more effective communicator.  (And you will feel better about yourself to boot as you self-advocate in this way!)  When you keep your mouth shut in such moments, you have just given your non-verbal assent to that other person's inappropriate behavior.  The unruly of this world need to hear the uncomfortable truths about themselves; otherwise, they continue doing what they do and saying what they say with less and less hesitation attached as the weeks, months, and years go by.  

Before I became a psychotherapist, I was a marketing consultant to small business.  I did this "first" career for fifteen years after obtaining my undergraduate degree.  I am reminded of the businesses I worked with where crisis, chaos, and mayhem were the general rule of the day.  Employees behaved one way with each other which, in fact, was negatively influencing the way in which they interacted with customers of the business.  In some cases, the use and abuse of recreational drugs was a big problem that no one wanted to acknowledge (the employees!) or do something about (the business owner(s)).  Typically, this type of issue is handled through the establishment of company policies and procedures which include a zero tolerance for the use and detection of drugs in any employee's system on any given day.  Yet you would be amazed how many business owners refused to set up such a policy for fear "I won't have any staff left to work here!"  Uh, yes you would...and they'd be better quality staff besides.  Without clearly defining what's right and what's wrong---then anything becomes okay to say---or to do---on any day and at any time.  Don't we get that yet? Insanity IS truly defined by doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result!

When we allow people to say or do things in our presence that instantly frighten us, confuse us, or anger us...THIS is the time to confront them appropriately with what you are thinking and how you feel.  "When you...I felt....so I need you to please..."  That's all!  It's not really that hard, but you'd be amazed how many of us would rather just let it go and suffer the consequences down the road over what we should have said ages ago, but didn't.

My mother was a chronic gaslighter (emotionally abusive) as I was growing up.  She also yelled and screamed a lot;  so did I back at her.  It wasn't right then, and it took me a while to learn that yelling doesn't make anybody hear anything "better".  Nor does it convince the other person to do what you are suggesting. What I did learn was to keep asking her why she just said or did what she said or did...and then following that up with how her offensive behavior affected me and what I needed as a result.  She didn't get better, but I did.  That's how it works.

She didn't get better...but I did.  Don't forget that.

It is good to say what you mean and mean what you say---just don't say it mean.  But say it.  Never forget to say it when it is the right thing to do in the moment!

 

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say, Don't Say It Mean...

When I was a kid, my mother rarely said what she meant.  She told me this on several occasions. At the time, I remember thinking she was using statements like "I was just kidding!" or "I didn't mean that!" as excuses to be verbally abusive towards me, to cause me NOT to trust my own perception of reality, and/or to make me feel bad about something I didn't do that she wanted me to do (for her).  After all, why would ANY person EVER say what they did NOT mean to somebody else?  Today's post is about how difficult it is for some of us to do the following:  "Say what you mean...mean what you say...and don't say it mean!"

When we are unable to say what we mean, which means to tell the truth about how we feel or what we think in the present moment (and in an appropriate and comfortable way no less!)...we have to wonder what's so scary about telling the truth out loud to someone we claim to love and care about?

Even though it is true that we all choose how much truth we can stand, we STILL have to be honest in our communication with other people!  Without honest communication, how is anybody supposed to truly understand themselves...or another human being?  Without honest communication, there is no chance for any real and true emotional intimacy (into-me-you-see) between two people. Whatever relationship that develops is instead based on half truths, lies, omissions of the truth, and manipulation of the truth in present-day reality...

Nobody censors themselves just because they are thinking and intend to say out loud "Hey!  Look at that beautiful blue sky out there this morning!"  We censor ourselves when what we think, what we feel, and what we believe may NOT be received favorably by the person(s) we are speaking to.  At this end of the "not saying what we mean" spectrum....we are being extremely passive about speaking our own true mind out of fear for how the other person(s) might react that is negative or unfavorable towards us.

If you recall from past posts, our biggest motivation in this life is to love and be loved;  our second biggest motivation is to avoid pain.  Hello!  And what funny ways we choose to avoid pain...like not telling the truth to ourselves, let alone to other people!  Put another way, to say only what we think other people want to hear...or only that which makes us appear better than we actually are!

If we don't do what we say we are going to do---or when we do what we say we'd never do---that's another aspect of this hot mess of cray cray to do with not saying what we mean..and not meaning what we say.  St. Paul even wrote about this in the Book of Romans (Rom. 7:15 to be exact!).  "I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do, I do not do.  But what I hate, I do."  Now, we have become passive and then aggressive both in our communication AND in our actions.  We say one thing, but do another.  We do one thing, but say we'd never do that thing.  We are not only upsetting and confusing the people around us who have witnessed our shenanigans...we ourselves might get a bit confused too as to what the heck is going on here and why!?  A classic example of this is saying "Oh yes, I'll get around to doing that because I understand how it isn't good for me to keep ignoring it!"...but then we never do that thing we promised.  This is being both passive (by what we said) and then aggressive (by what we did...which was nothing at all!).

When it comes to not saying what we mean and making it a habit in our relationships, all that does is cause the people around us to NOT believe us about much whenever we speak.  In essence, we have damaged our own reputation and level of personal integrity in the eyes and minds of those we have "played" in this way.  Rarely do we see this ourselves;  we believe our own positive press releases (as always!) when it comes to acknowledging that which we cannot truthfully acknowledge in the first place!

I happened to be facilitating a family intervention a few weeks back involving adult children of an elderly matriarch.  The matriarch was not budging about providing financial help for her medically fragile spouse who now required nursing home care.  When confronted about needing to contribute financially to her husband's care, she quipped "Well, we'll just have to get a divorce then!" Clearly, this statement was NOT well received by the couple's adult children who were instantly reduced to tears.  Days later, when I reminded this matriarch of what she had said because her children were not returning her phone calls, she responded:  "Oh, I was just joking;  didn't they know that?"  No, they did not know that.

For the person in this regard who doesn't say what he or she means, that usually means he or she won't do what they've said or promised EXCEPT that which is (1) easy for them to do when they feel like doing it, (2) benefits them the most in the moment, and/or (3) makes them feel good so they'll do it for that reason.

Next time, I will talk about those individuals who are actually saying what they mean...and how what they are saying IS authentically mean AND authentically nefarious in nature and purpose!

Have a good week!