We have a terrible time with acceptance as a general rule. When things don't go in accordance with our own plans or expectations, it IS a problem. After all, doesn't everybody think pretty much like I myself do? That's what I'd like to think...or what you'd like to think....or what we'd all like to think. Yet you thinking like me or me thinking like you isn't a general reflection of real life and right now reality. Imagine that eh?
I am reminded right now of a dear friend whose sister is abysmal about contributing pretty much anything at family parties. To summarize the issue, I will put it this way: my friend is into food and it's preparation and presentation to others at family events---while her sister could care less. So, as you might be able to surmise, "sis" doesn't care about making something homemade to bring. Sis doesn't even care that the party is at someone's home; she'd rather meet at a local restaurant. Meanwhile, my friend prefers family gatherings to take place in someone's home...she prefers to have homemade and "fresh" food to eat...and she would like family members to each bring something towards the cause. Well---who is "right" here, if there is a "right" way to do family parties? See what I mean? What you think is great, someone else doesn't even think about it at all. That's why acceptance of what is IS so difficult. We'd rather not be reminded of how everyone else doesn't really think about things or do things in the same way we do ourselves...
Another example: you believe your brother drinks too much. What's too much? Is it one drink a day every day for a month or more? Is it 10 beers a night after work? Is it not drinking at all Monday-Thursday, but batten down the hatches when the weekend comes?! I can tell you from a professional perspective that the ability to drink even one drink a day for 30 days in a row (meaning a FIVE OUNCE glass of wine, meaning ONE can of beer, meaning ONE 1 oz. shot of hard liquor) signals a probable drinking problem. Funny how that goes eh? Yet think of all the people out there who have had one or more drinking-related mishaps (be them involving the legal system or not) over the course of their lives thus far---and who would scream from the housetops until eternity: "I DO NOT HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM!" Acceptance of what is isn't so easy when it requires change on top of acceptance just sayin'!
There is an old saying "Surrender is that still small space between acceptance...and change." How did surrender get involved here? Well, surrendering our own desire for a certain outcome or behavior is a pretty big issue for those of us who struggle with acceptance. If I expect you to be on time whenever we make an appointment, and yet you are chronically late when we get together, what does that mean for me? It means I better surrender my idea that you'll be on time for me when all evidence has shown that's not your thing---for anybody. That's not to suggest that anybody who is "late" in my life gets a free pass because I "accept" it. I can accept whatever someone else does or chooses because I cannot make them change for me. Yet...I can also establish clear cut boundaries as to what will occur in the aftermath of such behavior. Using the lateness example, if I am serving a holiday lunch here at 2PM; you can show up at 4PM that's fine. But you won't be eating dinner with the rest of us who are here. Because, as I established, we are eating at 2PM. Period. To wait for latecomers is not only foolish, but enabling. Not for me, not my thang.
Needless to say, accepting what is means that we honor another person's right to choose what he or she or they will or won't do...but we will also surrender our will for the outcome we desire AS we also establish what our "own" response will be. We don't have to yell or scream or stomp about. We just need to figure out what our personal boundaries are and what we will---or will not---put up with.
How "change" fits into this equation is to understand that the only person we can truly change in any way, shape, or form...is ourselves. If someone else "changes" and tells us we inspired them...or encouraged them...or otherwise motivated them...that's fine. But of course any of that is going to happen in accordance with THEIR own timing---and not ours. I can't change you; you can't change me. But we can certainly discuss, and negotiate, and make compromises about what you prefer versus what I prefer so we achieve the ultimate "win/win" outcome. You got some of what you wanted...and I got some of what I wanted too...
Accepting what is for now is about being gracious enough to understand everybody is free to choose what they do...even when it hurts or offends us in some way. On the other hand, we can make sure how we respond remains respectful, truthful, and open so as to elicit potential possible and positive change(s)...in both of us!
Until next post...
I am reminded right now of a dear friend whose sister is abysmal about contributing pretty much anything at family parties. To summarize the issue, I will put it this way: my friend is into food and it's preparation and presentation to others at family events---while her sister could care less. So, as you might be able to surmise, "sis" doesn't care about making something homemade to bring. Sis doesn't even care that the party is at someone's home; she'd rather meet at a local restaurant. Meanwhile, my friend prefers family gatherings to take place in someone's home...she prefers to have homemade and "fresh" food to eat...and she would like family members to each bring something towards the cause. Well---who is "right" here, if there is a "right" way to do family parties? See what I mean? What you think is great, someone else doesn't even think about it at all. That's why acceptance of what is IS so difficult. We'd rather not be reminded of how everyone else doesn't really think about things or do things in the same way we do ourselves...
Another example: you believe your brother drinks too much. What's too much? Is it one drink a day every day for a month or more? Is it 10 beers a night after work? Is it not drinking at all Monday-Thursday, but batten down the hatches when the weekend comes?! I can tell you from a professional perspective that the ability to drink even one drink a day for 30 days in a row (meaning a FIVE OUNCE glass of wine, meaning ONE can of beer, meaning ONE 1 oz. shot of hard liquor) signals a probable drinking problem. Funny how that goes eh? Yet think of all the people out there who have had one or more drinking-related mishaps (be them involving the legal system or not) over the course of their lives thus far---and who would scream from the housetops until eternity: "I DO NOT HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM!" Acceptance of what is isn't so easy when it requires change on top of acceptance just sayin'!
There is an old saying "Surrender is that still small space between acceptance...and change." How did surrender get involved here? Well, surrendering our own desire for a certain outcome or behavior is a pretty big issue for those of us who struggle with acceptance. If I expect you to be on time whenever we make an appointment, and yet you are chronically late when we get together, what does that mean for me? It means I better surrender my idea that you'll be on time for me when all evidence has shown that's not your thing---for anybody. That's not to suggest that anybody who is "late" in my life gets a free pass because I "accept" it. I can accept whatever someone else does or chooses because I cannot make them change for me. Yet...I can also establish clear cut boundaries as to what will occur in the aftermath of such behavior. Using the lateness example, if I am serving a holiday lunch here at 2PM; you can show up at 4PM that's fine. But you won't be eating dinner with the rest of us who are here. Because, as I established, we are eating at 2PM. Period. To wait for latecomers is not only foolish, but enabling. Not for me, not my thang.
Needless to say, accepting what is means that we honor another person's right to choose what he or she or they will or won't do...but we will also surrender our will for the outcome we desire AS we also establish what our "own" response will be. We don't have to yell or scream or stomp about. We just need to figure out what our personal boundaries are and what we will---or will not---put up with.
How "change" fits into this equation is to understand that the only person we can truly change in any way, shape, or form...is ourselves. If someone else "changes" and tells us we inspired them...or encouraged them...or otherwise motivated them...that's fine. But of course any of that is going to happen in accordance with THEIR own timing---and not ours. I can't change you; you can't change me. But we can certainly discuss, and negotiate, and make compromises about what you prefer versus what I prefer so we achieve the ultimate "win/win" outcome. You got some of what you wanted...and I got some of what I wanted too...
Accepting what is for now is about being gracious enough to understand everybody is free to choose what they do...even when it hurts or offends us in some way. On the other hand, we can make sure how we respond remains respectful, truthful, and open so as to elicit potential possible and positive change(s)...in both of us!
Until next post...