We all make mistakes. We all are authentically guilty of falsely accusing, harshly judging, and genuinely doing someone else "dirty" without provocation. Grant it, some of us are better at this than others because we have had years of practice. However, pursuing this pattern of behavior in our own lives when we are triggered by ??? is NOT a good habit to maintain. Today's blog post is about how to recognize and then adjust our own sails when it comes to this dysfunctional way of relating to others...
First of all, we need to remember that the codependent lifestyle and codependency in general is the devil. It truly is. With codependency, people are reduced down to either functioning as "all good givers" or "all bad takers". Givers seek approval, acceptance, and love like crack; takers seek power, pleasure, and avoiding responsibility like crack. This is why givers "give" as they do...and takers "take" as they do. But...here's the rub. We all do it. Nobody is "just" a giver...and nobody is "just" a taker. We are all of us both givers and takers when we are locked into the codependent lifestyle in our close personal relationships. And that blows. Why? The codependent lifestyle leaves no room for any real personal freedom because everyone keeps treating themselves and others like objects---instead of as equals. As such, codependent givers "teach" others incompetence ("I'm the only one who can do it for you/knows what's best for you/is your personal savior!")...while codependent takers "teach" others resentment and bitterness ("My needs matter more than yours do/I am the most important person in your life/I'm helpless without you"). Sheesh! Talk about two sides of the same coin!
So how does this relate to adjusting our own sails and checking our own bad attitude when we cop it? It all begins with our own expectations. When we have them about what "someone else" is supposed to do for us---we are setting ourselves up for a fail, just sayin'. It would be nice if everyone we ever wanted to do a, b, c, d, or e for us did it on demand...but come on! Is that real life? Of course not! Why not? Because we all have our "own" real lives to live----and nobody is truly responsible for someone else's good day---good week---good month---or good life! When we start looking to what's outside of ourselves for our own personal happiness and inner peace, we are really NOT thinking too clearly! I don't exist to make sure I'm available to meet your needs on demand. You don't exist to make sure you're available to meet my needs on demand either! Yet we keep doing this to each other and believing it's all "normal" interaction when it is NOT!
Authentic inner peace and happiness comes from the inside out---not the outside in. We keep screwing that up for some dumb reason. You have to make your own happy; I have to make mine. We can share experiences when time and opportunity permits...but to EXPECT me to drop everything for you---or you drop everything for me---when the precipitating event is NOT an authentic emergency/extraordinary burden....that's crazy! And even if and when something is an authentic emergency/extradordinay burden---who died and said it is "you" or it is "me" who has to be there? What if a person is working and can't take time off work? What if a person is laid up in a hospital themselves with their own medical issue? What if the person lives 3,000 miles away and can't afford the flight out? See what I mean? This expectations thing can really take us down the mine shaft if we don't make a practice of checking ourselves---before we wreck ourselves!
One of the most classic cases of codependent giving gone way wrong was a woman I knew decades ago who basically gave until it hurt to her husband at the time and her stepkids. She was significantly younger than her husband...and her stepson was only a handful of years younger than she was. I can remember her working her tail off for that family as a "new" wife and stepmom. She and her husband went on to have two kids of their own...and then the tide started to turn. Her husband lost his job, and suddenly I witnessed her codependent giving pattern switch to a major codependent taking pattern...but as same related to her friends and extended family members. She still gave like a champ to her husband and kids...but she expected extremely unreasonable demands to be met by her friends and extended family. Who could find her husband a new job that paid better? Who could fudge his resume so he had a college education (when in fact, he did not have a college education!), who could listen to her moan, groan, and complain about their finances morning, noon, and night?
As it turned out, she found herself a new dude anyway and started dating him before her husband was even aware "they" had marital issues. Which is not unusual. Codependent givers play a role...until they decide they are sick of it. Then they do what they want (codependent taking). After she left her husband and kids in the dust to go and marry this new dude....she saw herself as having a fresh opportunity to parent his kids and start the cycle of codependent giving all over again.
Good luck with that sh** just sayin'!
Had this wife gone into therapy with her husband, she might have learned that her own expectations colliding with her codependent lifestyle would inevitably lead to nowhere positive. Again, everyone was reduced down to an object; once she developed that bad attitude towards her husband in spite of her ongoing "giving" to him (in her own mind!)...that marriage didn't stand of chance of being salvaged. Her built up resentment and bitterness towards him after his job loss didn't help matters any; she expected a lot for all of that "giving" she engaged in for so long. In essence, once she grabbed onto and hung onto her own bad attitude...it led her to a very deep ditch. Ultimately, all those kids paid the ultimate price...and learned some pretty dysfunctional lessons themselves as a result.
Adjust your sails and if you need help with that, this is what psychotherapy is for. Just a reminder.
Bad attitudes serve no useful purpose, except to keep you stuck in your own ruminations about how much more you matter than anyone else.
Until next time...
First of all, we need to remember that the codependent lifestyle and codependency in general is the devil. It truly is. With codependency, people are reduced down to either functioning as "all good givers" or "all bad takers". Givers seek approval, acceptance, and love like crack; takers seek power, pleasure, and avoiding responsibility like crack. This is why givers "give" as they do...and takers "take" as they do. But...here's the rub. We all do it. Nobody is "just" a giver...and nobody is "just" a taker. We are all of us both givers and takers when we are locked into the codependent lifestyle in our close personal relationships. And that blows. Why? The codependent lifestyle leaves no room for any real personal freedom because everyone keeps treating themselves and others like objects---instead of as equals. As such, codependent givers "teach" others incompetence ("I'm the only one who can do it for you/knows what's best for you/is your personal savior!")...while codependent takers "teach" others resentment and bitterness ("My needs matter more than yours do/I am the most important person in your life/I'm helpless without you"). Sheesh! Talk about two sides of the same coin!
So how does this relate to adjusting our own sails and checking our own bad attitude when we cop it? It all begins with our own expectations. When we have them about what "someone else" is supposed to do for us---we are setting ourselves up for a fail, just sayin'. It would be nice if everyone we ever wanted to do a, b, c, d, or e for us did it on demand...but come on! Is that real life? Of course not! Why not? Because we all have our "own" real lives to live----and nobody is truly responsible for someone else's good day---good week---good month---or good life! When we start looking to what's outside of ourselves for our own personal happiness and inner peace, we are really NOT thinking too clearly! I don't exist to make sure I'm available to meet your needs on demand. You don't exist to make sure you're available to meet my needs on demand either! Yet we keep doing this to each other and believing it's all "normal" interaction when it is NOT!
Authentic inner peace and happiness comes from the inside out---not the outside in. We keep screwing that up for some dumb reason. You have to make your own happy; I have to make mine. We can share experiences when time and opportunity permits...but to EXPECT me to drop everything for you---or you drop everything for me---when the precipitating event is NOT an authentic emergency/extraordinary burden....that's crazy! And even if and when something is an authentic emergency/extradordinay burden---who died and said it is "you" or it is "me" who has to be there? What if a person is working and can't take time off work? What if a person is laid up in a hospital themselves with their own medical issue? What if the person lives 3,000 miles away and can't afford the flight out? See what I mean? This expectations thing can really take us down the mine shaft if we don't make a practice of checking ourselves---before we wreck ourselves!
One of the most classic cases of codependent giving gone way wrong was a woman I knew decades ago who basically gave until it hurt to her husband at the time and her stepkids. She was significantly younger than her husband...and her stepson was only a handful of years younger than she was. I can remember her working her tail off for that family as a "new" wife and stepmom. She and her husband went on to have two kids of their own...and then the tide started to turn. Her husband lost his job, and suddenly I witnessed her codependent giving pattern switch to a major codependent taking pattern...but as same related to her friends and extended family members. She still gave like a champ to her husband and kids...but she expected extremely unreasonable demands to be met by her friends and extended family. Who could find her husband a new job that paid better? Who could fudge his resume so he had a college education (when in fact, he did not have a college education!), who could listen to her moan, groan, and complain about their finances morning, noon, and night?
As it turned out, she found herself a new dude anyway and started dating him before her husband was even aware "they" had marital issues. Which is not unusual. Codependent givers play a role...until they decide they are sick of it. Then they do what they want (codependent taking). After she left her husband and kids in the dust to go and marry this new dude....she saw herself as having a fresh opportunity to parent his kids and start the cycle of codependent giving all over again.
Good luck with that sh** just sayin'!
Had this wife gone into therapy with her husband, she might have learned that her own expectations colliding with her codependent lifestyle would inevitably lead to nowhere positive. Again, everyone was reduced down to an object; once she developed that bad attitude towards her husband in spite of her ongoing "giving" to him (in her own mind!)...that marriage didn't stand of chance of being salvaged. Her built up resentment and bitterness towards him after his job loss didn't help matters any; she expected a lot for all of that "giving" she engaged in for so long. In essence, once she grabbed onto and hung onto her own bad attitude...it led her to a very deep ditch. Ultimately, all those kids paid the ultimate price...and learned some pretty dysfunctional lessons themselves as a result.
Adjust your sails and if you need help with that, this is what psychotherapy is for. Just a reminder.
Bad attitudes serve no useful purpose, except to keep you stuck in your own ruminations about how much more you matter than anyone else.
Until next time...