It isn't easy to practice objectivity. What does that even mean? Unlike subjectivity, objectivity is when we can see people, circumstances, and situations exactly as they truly are---instead of in the way we "want" to see them. And, oh by the way, the way we "want" to see people, circumstances, and situations may either have a "false positive" spin attached to it---or a "false" negative spin---depending on our own mood and the day. Think now of every mother who has ever said about her career criminal offspring, "...but he's such a good boy; he'd never hurt anyone!" Yeah right mom. See what I mean? The facts about whomever and whatever get lost very easily when we are subjective; the feelings, however, magically develop their own IQ!
Anybody who has struggled with codependence and the codependent mindset lacks objectivity. That would translate to all of us. It is easier to be subjective because we don't have to pay attention to the facts surrounding any given person, circumstance, or situation. Just the other day, a friend was telling me about how she had a mini melt down when she realized her ex boyfriend's "cute" text messages (which she saved) may be the same messages he's sent in the past (or will send in the future) to other women. Nobody feels good when they realize that they were just a "thing" to their significant other---rather than being appreciated for their unique and authentic self. Yet---for anyone who has experienced this enough times and learned this lesson, it won't be happening again in the future either. That's how it is when we learn to practice objectivity in all things. We don't repeat the same mistakes in making our own choices, because we are paying better attention....to everything!
Paying better attention to what is going on in front of us or around us is the first step in slowing our own roll when it comes to practicing objectivity. If I am at a networking event, for example, if someone rushes up to me and says "Hi! Isn't this a great event? I'm Jane Doe! Nice dress! Want to grab a coffee over there?"....what would YOU do in my shoes? Well, there are a whole group of people who would view this "Jane Doe" as very friendly and nice and yep---let's go grab that coffee right now! And then there are those who would be rattled by a virtual stranger coming up and just talking "at" them in this way and then trying to dictate what they will both be doing next! Lastly, there are those (like myself), who would recognize "Jane's" enthusiasm as perhaps a bit OTT (Over the Top) but harmless. In practicing my own objectivity in this situation, I know I would respond by saying, "Hello Jane. Yes, this is a great event. I'm Mary DiPaolo. Thank you about the dress. And no thank you, I don't feel like a coffee right now." Ya follow me?! (LOL!) But that's what practicing objectivity is like! Stick with the facts of the situation you are in! Now, if Jane Doe decides after hearing my response that she didn't like what I had to say...or she was no longer interested in talking at me...then fine. She'll work her way away from me and onto the next person.
Practicing objectivity doesn't take the fun out of life; it merely clears up the fog from it. We human beings are notorious for wanting to "spin" our own experiences in such a way that we do feel more good about what we go through than not. When we practice objectivity we also become more self aware, which is always a good thing. I remember a young client who was shocked to realize that not "all" of her friends also drank a 1/2 bottle of wine every night in order to "relax". Once she had this realization, she immediately cut back to 1/4 bottle of wine....then 1 glass of wine...then 1 glass every other night...and then one glass on each day of the weekend...to the point of 2 glasses each week. Each glass, of course, being 5 oz. of wine, the standard measure for "one drink"...as opposed to a 10 or 15 or 20 oz. "glass" of wine. See what I mean? Had this young woman rejected the practice of objectivity in her daily life...she'd still be drinking that 1/2 bottle of wine every night.
In romantic relationships, paying better attention is what can save a person from making a major mistake (in marriage) and causing others to suffer needlessly (the children of such unions). If your significant other has lied to you when you were dating, on what planet would he or she STOP lying to you once you are married? If your significant other can't hold a job down for more than XX number of months before quitting or getting fired, on what planet would he or she STOP quitting or getting fired from the "next" job? Listen, patterns in behavior are a real life and right now reality. People do what they know...or what they don't feel like doing! Your "love" and "devotion" and "care" isn't going to transform a pig's ear into a silk purse! If your significant other has issues that you notice and that they haven't solved on their own....those same issues will remain a part of their lives perhaps forever! (Unless they "choose" to solve them on their own!) So....get a clue. Practicing objectivity in this sense is knowing when to hold them, fold them, walk away, and/or run!
Objectivity is a skill which of course, as this blog post exemplifies, requires consistent practice. You won't depress yourself or feel like you are "working" as result of this type of practice. In actual fact, you will feel more empowered by "seeing" what you haven't allowed yourself to notice before. Then, in addressing what you see and notice, you can initiate some excellent discussions with that other person in hopes of encouraging, inspiring, and/or motivating right choices on their part. Grant it, the proof is always in the pudding; if someone promises to change or do something different....but doesn't over the long haul...that's more information you can OBJECTIVELY assess and make your own decisions about when you choose to...
Remember, surrender (of your desired and expected outcomes) IS that still small space between acceptance (of what is) and change (in yourself)!
Until next time...
Anybody who has struggled with codependence and the codependent mindset lacks objectivity. That would translate to all of us. It is easier to be subjective because we don't have to pay attention to the facts surrounding any given person, circumstance, or situation. Just the other day, a friend was telling me about how she had a mini melt down when she realized her ex boyfriend's "cute" text messages (which she saved) may be the same messages he's sent in the past (or will send in the future) to other women. Nobody feels good when they realize that they were just a "thing" to their significant other---rather than being appreciated for their unique and authentic self. Yet---for anyone who has experienced this enough times and learned this lesson, it won't be happening again in the future either. That's how it is when we learn to practice objectivity in all things. We don't repeat the same mistakes in making our own choices, because we are paying better attention....to everything!
Paying better attention to what is going on in front of us or around us is the first step in slowing our own roll when it comes to practicing objectivity. If I am at a networking event, for example, if someone rushes up to me and says "Hi! Isn't this a great event? I'm Jane Doe! Nice dress! Want to grab a coffee over there?"....what would YOU do in my shoes? Well, there are a whole group of people who would view this "Jane Doe" as very friendly and nice and yep---let's go grab that coffee right now! And then there are those who would be rattled by a virtual stranger coming up and just talking "at" them in this way and then trying to dictate what they will both be doing next! Lastly, there are those (like myself), who would recognize "Jane's" enthusiasm as perhaps a bit OTT (Over the Top) but harmless. In practicing my own objectivity in this situation, I know I would respond by saying, "Hello Jane. Yes, this is a great event. I'm Mary DiPaolo. Thank you about the dress. And no thank you, I don't feel like a coffee right now." Ya follow me?! (LOL!) But that's what practicing objectivity is like! Stick with the facts of the situation you are in! Now, if Jane Doe decides after hearing my response that she didn't like what I had to say...or she was no longer interested in talking at me...then fine. She'll work her way away from me and onto the next person.
Practicing objectivity doesn't take the fun out of life; it merely clears up the fog from it. We human beings are notorious for wanting to "spin" our own experiences in such a way that we do feel more good about what we go through than not. When we practice objectivity we also become more self aware, which is always a good thing. I remember a young client who was shocked to realize that not "all" of her friends also drank a 1/2 bottle of wine every night in order to "relax". Once she had this realization, she immediately cut back to 1/4 bottle of wine....then 1 glass of wine...then 1 glass every other night...and then one glass on each day of the weekend...to the point of 2 glasses each week. Each glass, of course, being 5 oz. of wine, the standard measure for "one drink"...as opposed to a 10 or 15 or 20 oz. "glass" of wine. See what I mean? Had this young woman rejected the practice of objectivity in her daily life...she'd still be drinking that 1/2 bottle of wine every night.
In romantic relationships, paying better attention is what can save a person from making a major mistake (in marriage) and causing others to suffer needlessly (the children of such unions). If your significant other has lied to you when you were dating, on what planet would he or she STOP lying to you once you are married? If your significant other can't hold a job down for more than XX number of months before quitting or getting fired, on what planet would he or she STOP quitting or getting fired from the "next" job? Listen, patterns in behavior are a real life and right now reality. People do what they know...or what they don't feel like doing! Your "love" and "devotion" and "care" isn't going to transform a pig's ear into a silk purse! If your significant other has issues that you notice and that they haven't solved on their own....those same issues will remain a part of their lives perhaps forever! (Unless they "choose" to solve them on their own!) So....get a clue. Practicing objectivity in this sense is knowing when to hold them, fold them, walk away, and/or run!
Objectivity is a skill which of course, as this blog post exemplifies, requires consistent practice. You won't depress yourself or feel like you are "working" as result of this type of practice. In actual fact, you will feel more empowered by "seeing" what you haven't allowed yourself to notice before. Then, in addressing what you see and notice, you can initiate some excellent discussions with that other person in hopes of encouraging, inspiring, and/or motivating right choices on their part. Grant it, the proof is always in the pudding; if someone promises to change or do something different....but doesn't over the long haul...that's more information you can OBJECTIVELY assess and make your own decisions about when you choose to...
Remember, surrender (of your desired and expected outcomes) IS that still small space between acceptance (of what is) and change (in yourself)!
Until next time...