Recently, a letter was published online entitled "Dear Codependent Partner" from the perspective of a narcissist. After reading it, I was inspired to pen my own letter to anyone who is or has been in a relationship that is toxically codependent. As I have blogged about before, all of us are naturally codependent. That's how our culture and families have conditioned us for centuries. We may think of ourselves as "all good" givers to others; in fact, we also know how to operate as "all selfish" takers as well. We flip flop between these two roles in our important personal relationships as we give---and we take---from this person or that person depending on the day, week, month, or year.
Ultimately, all of this codependent giving and taking causes us to treat ourselves and others as mere objects. Nobody is being viewed or treated as truly equal; there is no authentic emotional, spiritual, or physical intimacy that can occur...and that can last. Everything and everybody gets reduced down to "What have you done for me lately?" and/or "After all I have done for you!" As such, here is my letter to the collective "us" who struggle with codependency and the codependent lifestyle...
Dear Codependent Giver/Taker:
Someone very wise once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again...and expecting a different result. Codependency is like that. We keep giving....and we keep taking...and yet we expect unconditional love, acceptance, approval, power, pleasure, and avoidance of responsibility in return. Yes, that's right! That's what we want...and why we keep pursuing the codependent lifestyle in the first place.
When we are "giving" to someone else, we want them to approve of us, accept us, and love us for our kindness and care. That's why we give to who we do when we do. That's the trade off: I'll do for you...and you love me, approve of me, and accept me in return for my giving. No brainer there.
But we also, in our way, want to feel power over that person. How does that figure? Well, if they come to "depend" on us for certain things...how is that not teaching them that they cannot do A, B, C, D, or E without our help? Yes, that's what the need for power in the context of a codependent giver's lifestyle looks like! If I teach you how to depend and rely on me for this, that, and the other----I am also teaching you how to be incompetent without my help! Not a good plan! For codependent givers who are paired up with addicts, this thirst for this type of power is even more prevalent. Why? Because who gets to be in charge (of everything!) when the addict is out for the day (or night!) either literally or figuratively. Addicts don't exactly care about paying bills on time...or doing the grocery shopping...or making any "major" decisions when they are too busy actively pursuing their addiction! In that sense, the codependent giver has lots of power just because the addict has removed himself or herself out of the "daily responsibilities" box of the relationship! Throw some kids into the mix and a true sh** show typically results. The addict is "unavailable"...while the codependent giver is always available---and possesses all the power over those kidlets besides.
What about pleasure? How does a codependent giver get their need for pleasure satisfied by "giving" to someone else? Hello! Does it not feel real good when you give to someone else? Of course it can! That counts as a "pleasure fix" big time! Giving and feeling good about ourselves as we do it can be intoxicating...which codependent givers no doubt want to repeat for themselves as often as possible. This is how codependent givers can completely groove on the idea of viewing themselves as "St. (Insert Own Name Here) of (Insert City of Residence Here). Pursuing codependent-inspired martyrdom and pleasure can go together like smoke and fire just reminding us all. And when the codependent giver burns out on one recipient of their giving efforts, they can always move on to the next candidate they have selected! After all, if it doesn't feel good anymore to give to Joe---we can always start giving to Nancy instead! To believe that codependent givers cannot become themselves addicted to this pursuit of ongoing pleasurable feelings as a result of their own giving is both naïve and dumb!
Avoiding responsibility as a codependent giver may not seem clear, but it is when you think about it. If I am giving to you---I don't have to think about or act on whatever "my" business is that I have been avoiding like the plague. Think of the old movies where mother is slaving over a hot stove to cook her family's dinner every night---while she can barely stand because of her chronic arthritis. (Or whatever else she's "not" facing and/or managing for herself on a daily basis!). Or what about the devoted grandmother who insists on caring for ALL of her grandchildren each and every day while her adult children work full time. How does that fit in with this avoidance of personal responsibility? Well...if grandma is so "busy" caring for her grandkids---what time does she have left to maintain and enjoy her relationship(s) with anybody else? Not much! In truth, being so "busy" gives grandma all sorts of room to avoid whomever and whatever else because "I have to babysit!" Again, not a good plan.
Next time, the rest of my letter will discuss how we can roll when we are in our codependent taker mode in satisfying our own needs for approval, acceptance, and unconditional love (or like!) from those others we are taking from...
Ultimately, all of this codependent giving and taking causes us to treat ourselves and others as mere objects. Nobody is being viewed or treated as truly equal; there is no authentic emotional, spiritual, or physical intimacy that can occur...and that can last. Everything and everybody gets reduced down to "What have you done for me lately?" and/or "After all I have done for you!" As such, here is my letter to the collective "us" who struggle with codependency and the codependent lifestyle...
Dear Codependent Giver/Taker:
Someone very wise once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again...and expecting a different result. Codependency is like that. We keep giving....and we keep taking...and yet we expect unconditional love, acceptance, approval, power, pleasure, and avoidance of responsibility in return. Yes, that's right! That's what we want...and why we keep pursuing the codependent lifestyle in the first place.
When we are "giving" to someone else, we want them to approve of us, accept us, and love us for our kindness and care. That's why we give to who we do when we do. That's the trade off: I'll do for you...and you love me, approve of me, and accept me in return for my giving. No brainer there.
But we also, in our way, want to feel power over that person. How does that figure? Well, if they come to "depend" on us for certain things...how is that not teaching them that they cannot do A, B, C, D, or E without our help? Yes, that's what the need for power in the context of a codependent giver's lifestyle looks like! If I teach you how to depend and rely on me for this, that, and the other----I am also teaching you how to be incompetent without my help! Not a good plan! For codependent givers who are paired up with addicts, this thirst for this type of power is even more prevalent. Why? Because who gets to be in charge (of everything!) when the addict is out for the day (or night!) either literally or figuratively. Addicts don't exactly care about paying bills on time...or doing the grocery shopping...or making any "major" decisions when they are too busy actively pursuing their addiction! In that sense, the codependent giver has lots of power just because the addict has removed himself or herself out of the "daily responsibilities" box of the relationship! Throw some kids into the mix and a true sh** show typically results. The addict is "unavailable"...while the codependent giver is always available---and possesses all the power over those kidlets besides.
What about pleasure? How does a codependent giver get their need for pleasure satisfied by "giving" to someone else? Hello! Does it not feel real good when you give to someone else? Of course it can! That counts as a "pleasure fix" big time! Giving and feeling good about ourselves as we do it can be intoxicating...which codependent givers no doubt want to repeat for themselves as often as possible. This is how codependent givers can completely groove on the idea of viewing themselves as "St. (Insert Own Name Here) of (Insert City of Residence Here). Pursuing codependent-inspired martyrdom and pleasure can go together like smoke and fire just reminding us all. And when the codependent giver burns out on one recipient of their giving efforts, they can always move on to the next candidate they have selected! After all, if it doesn't feel good anymore to give to Joe---we can always start giving to Nancy instead! To believe that codependent givers cannot become themselves addicted to this pursuit of ongoing pleasurable feelings as a result of their own giving is both naïve and dumb!
Avoiding responsibility as a codependent giver may not seem clear, but it is when you think about it. If I am giving to you---I don't have to think about or act on whatever "my" business is that I have been avoiding like the plague. Think of the old movies where mother is slaving over a hot stove to cook her family's dinner every night---while she can barely stand because of her chronic arthritis. (Or whatever else she's "not" facing and/or managing for herself on a daily basis!). Or what about the devoted grandmother who insists on caring for ALL of her grandchildren each and every day while her adult children work full time. How does that fit in with this avoidance of personal responsibility? Well...if grandma is so "busy" caring for her grandkids---what time does she have left to maintain and enjoy her relationship(s) with anybody else? Not much! In truth, being so "busy" gives grandma all sorts of room to avoid whomever and whatever else because "I have to babysit!" Again, not a good plan.
Next time, the rest of my letter will discuss how we can roll when we are in our codependent taker mode in satisfying our own needs for approval, acceptance, and unconditional love (or like!) from those others we are taking from...