Oh come on let's face it: no family is perfect. If you think yours is, you are delusional. ;-) Every family has its member(s) who are, for lack of a better description, pains in the neck. Need examples? Of course you don't. But what if you are the pain in the neck in your own family system? Ever think about that? Doubtful! We are all very good at pointing out the speck in someone else's eyeball...while avoiding the two-by-four board in our own. That's human nature. Today's blog post is about moving away from our typical "holi-daze" mentality during the holiday season between Thanksgiving and New Year's...and actually improving the quality of our own lives in the process.
Every family has within it one or more individuals who are dysfunctional enough to be recognized for it (their dysfunction)...but who also appear to be disinterested in solving, resolving, and/or dissolving their primary problem(s). Uncle Bill the late stage alcoholic....Grandpa Joseph the creeper among his under-age-18 relations....Susan the parent of "depressed" Anette who, at age 20, still doesn't drive or work because she doesn't want to. But what about you....and what about me? Believe me, we do NOT walk on water any of us! Instead of focusing on what others do during the holidays to drive us up the wall---why not flip that script for once and pay attention to what we, ourselves, do to drive ourselves and others up that proverbial wall!?
How do we start? How do you start to pay better attention to what you, yourself, think---feel---and then actually "do" in response to what you think and feel? Well---I already said it. We begin by paying BETTER ATTENTION to the here and now aka "the present". Need I remind you of the old saying "When you have one foot in the future and one foot in the past, guess what happens? You end up dumping on the present!" And yes, that's what we do. When our minds keep drifting back and forth to the future (anxiety driven or fantasy based!)...or to the past (depressing or nostalgia based!)...we miss out on what's going on right now, right here, in the present moments of our lives!
First, it may be helpful to take a look at the way you roll as you prepare for the holiday season in the first place. Are you the "do everything-ologist" in your immediate family---or family of origin? For those of us who primarily plan and carry out the "activities" associated with the holidays---maybe this is the year to let that sh** go and not fall back into that same hole as you have 1,000 times before. People who do the lion's share of the work associated with any holiday get together involving family or friends...these are the same people who can cop a bad attitude very quickly about this person or that person who "isn't" helping in the right way or not even offering to help with A, B, C, D, or E.
Yet, as I share with my clients, "Who died and made YOUR plans the only plans that your family must pursue?!" during the holiday season. I mean it's real nice if you want to have everybody and their brother over for dinner on Christmas Eve...but if you are doing all the work associated with that effort and then beotch about it at the same time (to yourself or others), there is something way wrong with this picture! You can't volunteer yourself to do "everything" in the same breath you are resenting the living crap out of your partner...or your adult daughter...or whomever else whom you "expect" to help you as you bark out orders at him/her/them. The same principle is true if you get help from him/her/them...but then they DO NOT DO IT "RIGHT"! Double STOP with this madness! Nobody is allowed to look a gift horse in the mouth and then complain about its bad breath okay?
Remember...the holidays are about relationships! Not about how clean your house is---or what's being served on the table---or how any presents are wrapped up! If you are one of those "Martha" types that have to be busy running around like a headless chicken to "prove" how valuable you are in making the holidays "just perfect" for your family or friends---get over yourself! You are being a pain in the a** when you act like that! Either do what you do without beotching about it---or having to repeat every single detail of how you made that stuffing---or wrapped that present---or found that wreath---etc. etc.
For those who are my clients reading this right now, this is what that "codependent giver" mentality looks like at the holidays/holi-daze! Remember? Being addicted to their own "need to be needed" even when nobody else needs them in those moments!
Conversely, if you find it annoying to bring over the single item you were asked to for Christmas dinner, you may have an issue with being a "do nothing-or-very-little-ologist" during the holidays. This isn't good either. You will still feel resentful and bitter when you think and feel like you are being "bothered" by all to do with the holiday season---that of course you'd rather NOT do. Like even show up to grandma's house on Christmas day....or spend time with your own immediate and extended family. In this way, paying better attention suggests that you figure out why it is you are so miserable...and bothered....by extending yourself to or for a cause that requires some loving sacrifice on your own part.
Clients: this is what that "codependent taker" mentality looks like at the holidays/holi-daze! Being addicted to their own need to "avoid responsibility", feel "pleasure", and exhibit "power" over (an)other(s) all day and every day!
If you feel the holidays suck wind given how they have played out in years' past---maybe it's time to sit down, as a family, and figure out what your other options are! There is no sin in having a discussion and then negotiating and compromising alternative solutions as to "how" to spend your holiday season as a couple---as a family---as an extended family--or as an individual this year! The more you sit and stew in your disappointment, anger, resentment, and bitterness about "what went down" over holidays past---the more apt you are to repeat that pattern now---and in the future!
Adjusting your own attitude for the better during the holidays begins with you...not anybody else! Pay better attention and becoming more aware of how you think, how you feel, and how you "do" is the first step in making your own positive changes that last.
Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's ME! (And only ME!)
Happy holidays and New Year 2019!
;-)
Every family has within it one or more individuals who are dysfunctional enough to be recognized for it (their dysfunction)...but who also appear to be disinterested in solving, resolving, and/or dissolving their primary problem(s). Uncle Bill the late stage alcoholic....Grandpa Joseph the creeper among his under-age-18 relations....Susan the parent of "depressed" Anette who, at age 20, still doesn't drive or work because she doesn't want to. But what about you....and what about me? Believe me, we do NOT walk on water any of us! Instead of focusing on what others do during the holidays to drive us up the wall---why not flip that script for once and pay attention to what we, ourselves, do to drive ourselves and others up that proverbial wall!?
How do we start? How do you start to pay better attention to what you, yourself, think---feel---and then actually "do" in response to what you think and feel? Well---I already said it. We begin by paying BETTER ATTENTION to the here and now aka "the present". Need I remind you of the old saying "When you have one foot in the future and one foot in the past, guess what happens? You end up dumping on the present!" And yes, that's what we do. When our minds keep drifting back and forth to the future (anxiety driven or fantasy based!)...or to the past (depressing or nostalgia based!)...we miss out on what's going on right now, right here, in the present moments of our lives!
First, it may be helpful to take a look at the way you roll as you prepare for the holiday season in the first place. Are you the "do everything-ologist" in your immediate family---or family of origin? For those of us who primarily plan and carry out the "activities" associated with the holidays---maybe this is the year to let that sh** go and not fall back into that same hole as you have 1,000 times before. People who do the lion's share of the work associated with any holiday get together involving family or friends...these are the same people who can cop a bad attitude very quickly about this person or that person who "isn't" helping in the right way or not even offering to help with A, B, C, D, or E.
Yet, as I share with my clients, "Who died and made YOUR plans the only plans that your family must pursue?!" during the holiday season. I mean it's real nice if you want to have everybody and their brother over for dinner on Christmas Eve...but if you are doing all the work associated with that effort and then beotch about it at the same time (to yourself or others), there is something way wrong with this picture! You can't volunteer yourself to do "everything" in the same breath you are resenting the living crap out of your partner...or your adult daughter...or whomever else whom you "expect" to help you as you bark out orders at him/her/them. The same principle is true if you get help from him/her/them...but then they DO NOT DO IT "RIGHT"! Double STOP with this madness! Nobody is allowed to look a gift horse in the mouth and then complain about its bad breath okay?
Remember...the holidays are about relationships! Not about how clean your house is---or what's being served on the table---or how any presents are wrapped up! If you are one of those "Martha" types that have to be busy running around like a headless chicken to "prove" how valuable you are in making the holidays "just perfect" for your family or friends---get over yourself! You are being a pain in the a** when you act like that! Either do what you do without beotching about it---or having to repeat every single detail of how you made that stuffing---or wrapped that present---or found that wreath---etc. etc.
For those who are my clients reading this right now, this is what that "codependent giver" mentality looks like at the holidays/holi-daze! Remember? Being addicted to their own "need to be needed" even when nobody else needs them in those moments!
Conversely, if you find it annoying to bring over the single item you were asked to for Christmas dinner, you may have an issue with being a "do nothing-or-very-little-ologist" during the holidays. This isn't good either. You will still feel resentful and bitter when you think and feel like you are being "bothered" by all to do with the holiday season---that of course you'd rather NOT do. Like even show up to grandma's house on Christmas day....or spend time with your own immediate and extended family. In this way, paying better attention suggests that you figure out why it is you are so miserable...and bothered....by extending yourself to or for a cause that requires some loving sacrifice on your own part.
Clients: this is what that "codependent taker" mentality looks like at the holidays/holi-daze! Being addicted to their own need to "avoid responsibility", feel "pleasure", and exhibit "power" over (an)other(s) all day and every day!
If you feel the holidays suck wind given how they have played out in years' past---maybe it's time to sit down, as a family, and figure out what your other options are! There is no sin in having a discussion and then negotiating and compromising alternative solutions as to "how" to spend your holiday season as a couple---as a family---as an extended family--or as an individual this year! The more you sit and stew in your disappointment, anger, resentment, and bitterness about "what went down" over holidays past---the more apt you are to repeat that pattern now---and in the future!
Adjusting your own attitude for the better during the holidays begins with you...not anybody else! Pay better attention and becoming more aware of how you think, how you feel, and how you "do" is the first step in making your own positive changes that last.
Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's ME! (And only ME!)
Happy holidays and New Year 2019!
;-)