It's one thing to start paying better attention to your chosen lifestyle and how that may be messing up your thoughts, your moods, and your behaviors on any given day. But what about the people you have allowed into your life? Last post I talked about conducting your own lifestyle autopsy; this post I am talking about conducting your own relationships autopsy as part of your healing, positive change, and growth process.
First, we all need to take a look at exactly "who" is involved in our lives right now. This would include your immediate family members (be they your parents, spouse, siblings, etc. etc.) and extended family. I won't include minor children here, because that's one group we ARE 100% responsible for as we are raising them (though many parents sadly forget that fact!).
Another group would also include your 1st, 2nd, and 3rd tier friendships (regardless of how you met or when you met or how far back or recent your relationship history goes..). Next, the people who either work with you, for you, or you work for on a day-to-day basis...these relationships also need to be examined. You may not see your best friend except once or twice a week; but someone you work with---you might see them all day every day for 8 hours! This is why your relationships "at work" matter also. Lastly, you need to look at the "casual" relationships you are involved in. These may include people you see here and there over the course of a week or a month...but that you will continue to see and interact with because of "how" you know each other (through your place of worship, through volunteering, through other people, through your kids, through your neighborhood or place of residence, etc. etc.). Yep, it's like that. A relationships autopsy really does include all of the people in your life "now" that you do see and interact with for more than a minute or two multiple times during the course of your day, week, and/or month.
Before this however, stop to think about your "oldest" relationships and the quality of them, right now. Please remember the "right now" part and do not let your mind wander back to 5 or 10 or 20 years ago when things were "better" between you. Just a reminder! If the CURRENT quality of your oldest relationship(s) isn't so great...you need to ask yourself why that is.
I can tell you that with many long-standing relationships, people can become more expectations-oriented when it comes to what "you" should be doing for him/her/them----and vice versa---because you have "known" each other for "so long". You follow me? When I see couples in crisis---one of the first veils to be uncovered is that to do with "You should have known...!!!" crap. No people, we are not mind-readers! Just because you know me and I know you for 25 years...it DOES NOT FOLLOW that I'm supposed to recall on demand every detail of your likes, dislikes, needs, wants, and preferences every single moment of every single day! Isn't it enough of a job to keep track of my own? Hello! I remember a former friend who used to go postal if anybody called her before a certain time each day. "They should KNOW I don't sleep well at night! They should KNOW I don't like getting phone calls before 10:00AM!" Kidding, right? Nope! Not kidding! This particular person really believed that if you "knew" her---you better remember that fact of her life because God knows it was THAT IMPORTANT for you to remember! See what I mean? Another similar scenario when you ask someone what they take in their coffee...and you get the "?!??!" response because for God's sake YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW!!! Spare me. I got enough sh** to think about all day and night o.k.? To have to remember what you take in your coffee because you've been in my life for so many years is utter b.s. okay? Just give me your answer....without having a bad attitude attached to it just sayin'!
Another aspect of any long-term relationship that can go south is when we start talking at someone about something we truly haven't discussed with them recently! I remember several years ago a woman in our social circle who, whenever she saw me, would talk at me like I knew every detail of her 27 kids' lives and would start sputtering stuff out like "Well, you know that her boyfriend is a real creep!" Whose boyfriend? Who is "her"? Catch my drift? People do that to each other too; they "think" they told you this that or the other previously---but they have NOT! I'm sorry, but in order to experience authentic emotional intimacy with someone---we really do have to have actual conversations with them about this that or the other---not just imaginary ones!
And we wonder why we feel afraid...angry...lonely?!?! With these kinds of "people" in our lives, who needs 'em right? (LOL!)
In any relationship....both parties have to matter equally. Nobody should be forced into the position (or willingly take it on!) as "the comforter" or "the counselor" or "the sounding board" to someone else a majority of the time. Not good. When you do this, it is too easy to become angry, resentful, and then ultimately bitter about him...or her...or them. If you are the person doing the dumping in order to receive comfort, advice, or take a load off...check yourself before you wreck yourself! You may be doing "that"more often than you realize to more people than you care to acknowledge! If you are the person doing the comforting, offering the advice, and absorbing all that "stuff" dumped on you....why? Again, check yourself before your wreck yourself!
In codependent speak...what this means is that you might be more of a "taker" with certain relationships in your life---and more of a "giver" in other certain relationships in your life---but that's NOT how you create a proper balance among and between your relationships! The people you primarily "take" from may not have ever experienced your "giving" side. And those people you primarily "give" to may have rarely (if ever!) given BACK to you! No wonder codependency as a lifestyle is such a trap! We give to those people we only "feel" like giving to---but in order not to burn ourselves out---we choose those people we feel we can "take" from also! What a sh** show! Especially when 'all of this' is going on at a subconscious level of awareness! UGH!
I remember a client early in my career who basically did whatever and I do mean WHAT-EVER her husband demanded. She was a subservient wife to the millionth degree. When he finally came around to telling her he wanted to start swinging (and I don't mean up a tree like a monkey!)...he was absolutely shocked when she said "No thanks!" As in YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!?!?! shocked. After all, she "gave" to him unconditionally for all the years of their marriage; what was the big deal now that he wanted to swing?!
As we worked together, this wife began to see how for all her giving (to him!)...she was also in the habit of taking a great deal from her own friends and family. Thank God this couple didn't have any kids, by the way. As she pulled her own head out...she came to understand that comfortably serving her husband did NOT teach him to comfortably serve her back. It only taught him to become most comfortable with BEING SERVED by others. Very sad. Of course they ended up divorced. However, I am happy to report that the quality of her "other" relationships improved dramatically. She learned how to quit taking so much from others as a knee jerk reaction to her former husband's demands.
Yes, relationships' autopsies are not a bad thing. If you need assistance examining your own important relationships to determine what's what---you can always join a support group, read any of the good books on toxic enough relationships (Dr. Phil's old classic "Life Code" is a great one!), and/or call a licensed psychotherapist in your area and make an appointment.
Good luck on your journey. There is hope for those who struggle with fear, anger, and loneliness...
Until next post...
First, we all need to take a look at exactly "who" is involved in our lives right now. This would include your immediate family members (be they your parents, spouse, siblings, etc. etc.) and extended family. I won't include minor children here, because that's one group we ARE 100% responsible for as we are raising them (though many parents sadly forget that fact!).
Another group would also include your 1st, 2nd, and 3rd tier friendships (regardless of how you met or when you met or how far back or recent your relationship history goes..). Next, the people who either work with you, for you, or you work for on a day-to-day basis...these relationships also need to be examined. You may not see your best friend except once or twice a week; but someone you work with---you might see them all day every day for 8 hours! This is why your relationships "at work" matter also. Lastly, you need to look at the "casual" relationships you are involved in. These may include people you see here and there over the course of a week or a month...but that you will continue to see and interact with because of "how" you know each other (through your place of worship, through volunteering, through other people, through your kids, through your neighborhood or place of residence, etc. etc.). Yep, it's like that. A relationships autopsy really does include all of the people in your life "now" that you do see and interact with for more than a minute or two multiple times during the course of your day, week, and/or month.
Before this however, stop to think about your "oldest" relationships and the quality of them, right now. Please remember the "right now" part and do not let your mind wander back to 5 or 10 or 20 years ago when things were "better" between you. Just a reminder! If the CURRENT quality of your oldest relationship(s) isn't so great...you need to ask yourself why that is.
I can tell you that with many long-standing relationships, people can become more expectations-oriented when it comes to what "you" should be doing for him/her/them----and vice versa---because you have "known" each other for "so long". You follow me? When I see couples in crisis---one of the first veils to be uncovered is that to do with "You should have known...!!!" crap. No people, we are not mind-readers! Just because you know me and I know you for 25 years...it DOES NOT FOLLOW that I'm supposed to recall on demand every detail of your likes, dislikes, needs, wants, and preferences every single moment of every single day! Isn't it enough of a job to keep track of my own? Hello! I remember a former friend who used to go postal if anybody called her before a certain time each day. "They should KNOW I don't sleep well at night! They should KNOW I don't like getting phone calls before 10:00AM!" Kidding, right? Nope! Not kidding! This particular person really believed that if you "knew" her---you better remember that fact of her life because God knows it was THAT IMPORTANT for you to remember! See what I mean? Another similar scenario when you ask someone what they take in their coffee...and you get the "?!??!" response because for God's sake YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW!!! Spare me. I got enough sh** to think about all day and night o.k.? To have to remember what you take in your coffee because you've been in my life for so many years is utter b.s. okay? Just give me your answer....without having a bad attitude attached to it just sayin'!
Another aspect of any long-term relationship that can go south is when we start talking at someone about something we truly haven't discussed with them recently! I remember several years ago a woman in our social circle who, whenever she saw me, would talk at me like I knew every detail of her 27 kids' lives and would start sputtering stuff out like "Well, you know that her boyfriend is a real creep!" Whose boyfriend? Who is "her"? Catch my drift? People do that to each other too; they "think" they told you this that or the other previously---but they have NOT! I'm sorry, but in order to experience authentic emotional intimacy with someone---we really do have to have actual conversations with them about this that or the other---not just imaginary ones!
And we wonder why we feel afraid...angry...lonely?!?! With these kinds of "people" in our lives, who needs 'em right? (LOL!)
In any relationship....both parties have to matter equally. Nobody should be forced into the position (or willingly take it on!) as "the comforter" or "the counselor" or "the sounding board" to someone else a majority of the time. Not good. When you do this, it is too easy to become angry, resentful, and then ultimately bitter about him...or her...or them. If you are the person doing the dumping in order to receive comfort, advice, or take a load off...check yourself before you wreck yourself! You may be doing "that"more often than you realize to more people than you care to acknowledge! If you are the person doing the comforting, offering the advice, and absorbing all that "stuff" dumped on you....why? Again, check yourself before your wreck yourself!
In codependent speak...what this means is that you might be more of a "taker" with certain relationships in your life---and more of a "giver" in other certain relationships in your life---but that's NOT how you create a proper balance among and between your relationships! The people you primarily "take" from may not have ever experienced your "giving" side. And those people you primarily "give" to may have rarely (if ever!) given BACK to you! No wonder codependency as a lifestyle is such a trap! We give to those people we only "feel" like giving to---but in order not to burn ourselves out---we choose those people we feel we can "take" from also! What a sh** show! Especially when 'all of this' is going on at a subconscious level of awareness! UGH!
I remember a client early in my career who basically did whatever and I do mean WHAT-EVER her husband demanded. She was a subservient wife to the millionth degree. When he finally came around to telling her he wanted to start swinging (and I don't mean up a tree like a monkey!)...he was absolutely shocked when she said "No thanks!" As in YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!?!?! shocked. After all, she "gave" to him unconditionally for all the years of their marriage; what was the big deal now that he wanted to swing?!
As we worked together, this wife began to see how for all her giving (to him!)...she was also in the habit of taking a great deal from her own friends and family. Thank God this couple didn't have any kids, by the way. As she pulled her own head out...she came to understand that comfortably serving her husband did NOT teach him to comfortably serve her back. It only taught him to become most comfortable with BEING SERVED by others. Very sad. Of course they ended up divorced. However, I am happy to report that the quality of her "other" relationships improved dramatically. She learned how to quit taking so much from others as a knee jerk reaction to her former husband's demands.
Yes, relationships' autopsies are not a bad thing. If you need assistance examining your own important relationships to determine what's what---you can always join a support group, read any of the good books on toxic enough relationships (Dr. Phil's old classic "Life Code" is a great one!), and/or call a licensed psychotherapist in your area and make an appointment.
Good luck on your journey. There is hope for those who struggle with fear, anger, and loneliness...
Until next post...