There was a little girl...who had a little curl...right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good, she was very very good...but when she was bad----she believed she was still being "good"!
My apologies to the author of this old skool nursery rhyme...but I needed to make my point for opening today's blog post. Being "good" isn't always about being authentically good. As you will soon see, being good can also be all about satisfying our own insatiable need to be "right"---which is NOT good! ;-)
Just the other day I was listening to the radio when a woman called in to ask the psychotherapist about her struggle with "being miserable" most of the time. This woman gave some examples about how she has extreme difficulty sharing her own "truths" to others. "I am that person who doesn't know what to order at the restaurant until everyone else orders ahead of me..." "I always let the other person pick what we do when we are out together." She also mentioned having a hard time sharing how she feels about anything she's watched on television or at the movies when asked. There were a few other examples, primarily to do with this woman feeling afraid of being harshly judged by others and/or making "mistakes" in her interpersonal interactions.
What I didn't expect the psychotherapist to do in response to this woman was cut to the chase regarding this caller's own inflated sense of ego. Huh? Yep, I did just write the word "inflated" (versus deflated or non-existent!). What does that mean? It means that this particular woman has an issue that most of us share with her...but are completely unaware of. That problem is this: our insatiable need to be "right" being entangled up with our similarly insatiable and solution-focused need (and desire!) to be "good".
When any of us functions in a way that is laser focused on being both "good" and "right" as often as we can manage to achieve that (in our own opinion of course!)...our inflated sense of ego has become the lens through which we experience "everything" in our own lives. And if what we experience, as we experience it, is determined to be "of no good use" to us in favorably feeding our own ego...we ignore it, walk away from it, focus on something or someone else instead, etc. Here's my example of that: many years ago I was at a pastor's house for a women's Bible study. Someone who had recently moved into the area was working the room going around to each woman introducing herself and (basically!) saying the following: "Hi, I'm Blah-Blah-Blah...are YOU someone important enough for me to get to know better?" Don't laugh. She didn't use those words exactly, but that was her primary message. When she got to me, I looked at her and responded with "No, you don't have to get to know me...I'm a nobody." Her expression was priceless. She knew she was busted. Yep, I love those moments---and I wasn't even doing "this" yet as my chosen profession! Well...that's how discernment can roll.
When our own ego is in charge of our thoughts, words, and deeds....we are living right in the midst of an egocentric (and arrogant!) (and pride-filled!) lifestyle that reduces ourselves and others down to objects that are of potential good "use" versus "no good use" to ourselves or those others we claim to love and care about. How this plays out in real life can range from the "I have to be good AND right! I can't make a mistake!" type of person (like the radio show caller mentioned above).....to the "Of what USE are you to me if I am "good" to you now?" (like the newbie at the women's Bible study)
When we are authentically being "good" to others, there cannot be expectations attached. When we attach strings to our giving...or to our "goodness"...that is codependent, arrogant, pride-filled, and ego-driven!! Which translates, very simply, to m-a-n-i-p-u-l-a-t-i-v-e!
When we are genuinely good to others and for no "good" reason, it does NOT have any goal or desired end result attached. We give of ourselves freely (our love, our time, compassion, material goods, etc.) without concerning ourselves with what we want or EXPECT back in return.
When we mix up our insatiable need to be "right" with being "good"...that's when the proverbial sh** will ultimately hit the fan of our own lives. We keep trying to make ourselves feel good about ourselves in the name of being "good" and "right" together---and all we end up getting is a big bunch of disappointment. This is a hard way to live people! Maybe if we stop obsessing about being "right" all the time as part of what we believe it means to be "good" as a person...we'd learn some valuable lessons!
Think about that. If you need help sorting your way through issues like this one, give me a call or text. If anything, I can come up along side you and assist you in navigating your way through the muck of life so you can know better...and then do better!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays 2020!
Until next post...