Improving the quality of our own lives doesn't happen by magic. Nor does it happen because time keeps marching on. Until and unless we do our OWN work to think, feel, and behave more appropriately on a consistent basis, we won't! We will remain emotionally unregulated and plagued by whatever plagues us. As I mentioned in my last post, obsessive and intrusive thoughts are NOT something anyone welcomes generally speaking. This is because such thoughts are often negative in nature and do zero to validate and affirm ourselves, others, and our life's experiences. Learning how to collapse down our imagined fears and worrisome/frightening thoughts won't occur by virtue of the aging process either. Becoming older has nothing to do with becoming more emotionally and spiritually mature as a person.
In fact, things can get worse as we age out! I don't know about you, but I have been noticing all around me the number of individuals in my own age range who are forgetting more...and remembering less. I just also read an online article about how "the signs" of dementia generally begin nine years before an official diagnosis is made. Okay then! So much to look forward to for us baby boomers and Gen X'ers, don't you agree? (LOL!)
So what's the good news? There IS a process for healing and recovery. It's been around for-ever! Trusting in that process and seeking good-enough help to get ourselves on the right path remains a primary go-to strategy. And sometimes, we also need the help of the right psychotropic medication to diminish the frequency and intensity of our ongoing anxieties, depression, obsessive and intrusive thoughts, and the delusional beliefs that too often accompany them. We don't want to end up bitter against the world we inhabit by the time our personal clock is punched; we want to be "better"! Better takes work. Better has always taken work to achieve! It all begins with that "T" word; having TRUST in our ability to change for the better...and doing our work to achieve "better" over the long haul of our own lives!
We are all so good at telling each other, "Oh, I trust my God...my spouse...my parents....my best friend since 2nd grade..... Yet, in truth, we most often only trust ourselves and even that is a sketchy proposition when we are feeling and experiencing too many HALTTSS (remember HALTTSS? Hungry Angry Lonely Tired Thirsty Sad and/or Sick..) too often in our daily lives. And our HALTTSS, oh by the way, represent just one aspect of our overall "condition" in any given moment of time. Stress...trauma...loss...grief... Yes, there are lots of things that can occur in our life and living environment to chip away at whatever "trust" exists within our hearts and minds.
When we don't trust, we forget what it feels like TO genuinely feel safe, secure, hopeful, accepted, loved, and valued for our existence. If we are fortunate, we may feel it for a time as we are growing up...but as soon as the codependent-based expectations of others make themselves more abundantly clear to us---things can shift dramatically inside ourselves---and not in a good way. Why? Because the realization that performance is being so tightly tied to general acceptance and unconditional "love" from family and/or friends ultimately feels like a massive betrayal, that's why!
I just heard about two self-professing God-fearing women who had been bffs for decades. Now they are estranged after 40 years of a close personal relationship. Why? Well, as it turned out, the one felt that she "gave" much more to her friend than she received back over the history of their relationship. "I paid for the majority of her meals whenever we went out together because she's always had financial issues.." "I invited her and her adult son over to our house for dinners and parties every time we hosted one.." etc. etc. The big breach came when this same woman found out that her bff invited a mutual friend to do something special one Saturday this past summer without thinking to invite her along also. "She KNOWS I've always wanted to do that and we never did it together. But she asks our other friend and doesn't think to include me also?!" Last I heard, they still weren't speaking and haven't seen each other since the summer in spite of so many mutual friends between them.
Well, if you haven't already guessed---these two friends were highly codependent with one another just sayin'. When anyone feels obligated to think of someone else (or be the focus of someone else's thinking!) when planning social activities because of some inner "I owe her/him/them" and/or "He/She/They owe me" mentality...this is NOT good! It's codependent! Codependency is like that as a relationship-based lifestyle. You owe me because....and/or I owe you because.... I am the taker today and you are the giver tomorrow. I am the giver today and you are the taker tomorrow. Really?
Since when should a truly emotionally intimate relationship (as would be the case with close personal friends) be so utterly dependent on who gives what to whom and when on demand? As shared in past posts, being addicted to or being the object of addiction for certain people in certain of our relationships is nothing short of idolatry folks! Really do you want to spend your life "worshipping" certain others because you are seriously addicted to their approval, acceptance, and "love"? Conversely, do you want to function as someone else's "g" word God so you can feel power, pleasure, and avoid certain personal responsibilities of your own? If you claim to adhere to ANY faith-based persuasion...GET A CLUE! "God" is not your best friend or YOU...or your spouse..or YOU...or your son...or YOU. One of my favorite bumper stickers that made this point was one I saw on someone's bumper about 25 years ago: "There IS a God...but He's NOT You!" NO KIDDING!!
To trust or not to trust remains a personal choice. And yet, when we feel our trust has been exploited one too many times...or breached in some cant-go-back kinda way, it IS up to us to do what's necessary to straighten things out! If we don't, we just carry that stockpile of disappointment, hurt, and anger around inside ourselves---until it turns into resentment and then bitterness over the course of time.
..by the time we reach "bitter", we are basically done with whomever it is/was who initially merely disappointed us. By the time we reach "dead"...how many relationships did we kill or let die because we were flaming codependents without a clue of our status in this regard?
If you need help, go get it! Maybe you read a book from the library that "jumps" out at you in the self-help section. Maybe you check out available support, self-help, or therapy groups online that are offered virtually or in person. Maybe you call that someone who you hurt...or who hurt you...and at least have an HONEST discussion about "what happened" so you can mutually understand the hurt between you! Without the mutual understanding, there is no chance of recognizing, taking responsibility for, repenting from, and repairing the damage from "what happened here".
We always have options to get and be better. Take them.
Until next post...