When we have an issue with power and control to the point of addiction status...we are typically the last to know. All we "do" know is that feeling powerless and out of control IS the worst thing. Last post, we talked about what pleasure addiction can look like in everyday life. This time, we will take a look at several scenarios which involve individuals and groups addicted to power and control...
"Jenny" has been looking for the right church home since before Thanksgiving. A recent transplant to the metro Detroit area from Arizona, Jenny has realized that her past involvement at "church" was more bad than good over the course of her own adult life. "I always gave a new church I visited six weeks; if no one made any attempt to welcome me or connect with me beyond door greeter status, I moved on..", states Jenny. Jenny is single and had opted out of marriage and motherhood long ago. "I am fine with my choices", claims Jenny, "yet I know I have had too many hurtful experiences at church once people found out I didn't have a spouse or children and was new to the area."
Jenny decided that this time around, once she settled in Michigan, she would look for a church that actively ministered to single adults and seniors through various outreach programs. "I figured if I could connect with other singles and they with me, that might be a better fit than just showing up each week for the worship service in hopes of finding someone randomly to have an actual conversation with."
After trying out a few churches utilizing her "six week rule", Jenny found herself once again discouraged. "I thought I found churches that had a number of activities geared towards single people over the age of 50. When I actually attended and participated in many of them, I found my experiences to be extremely disappointing." Jenny adds that she felt transported back to her 20s when everyone went to singles bars in order to meet Mr. or Ms. "Right Now". "It was so frustrating because the only difference to me was that the people I met were using church as their singles' bar of choice in the 21st century..." Poor Jenny.
"Francis" on the other hand, is someone who is a self-proclaimed people pleaser. "It has gotten me into trouble because I friendly offer myself way too often to others and then end up in the soup so many times afterwards", he says. Francis is that guy who will help you fix your truck...or move a heavy piece of furniture...or basically drop everything to serve his fellow man/woman in need. "I don't know why I feel so burned out and used up after a day of helping others", states Francis, "..but those feelings keep coming back like someone or something is trying to tell me to stop it once and for all." Francis also feels exploited at his job, since his boss has often relied on Francis to fix the mistakes of his co-workers as if it was/is a part of Francis's job description. "My boss really likes me and tells me all the time he doesn't know what he would do without me", Francis mentions, "..but I haven't gotten a raise or bonus in five years either so who is the fool here?", Francis wonders. Poor Francis.
"Kelly" and "Chad" have been married for twelve years. They have three children under the age of ten. Chad complains that he can't put a foot right as a dad in Kelly's mind. "She is constantly ordering me around and criticizing me for whatever I do for or with the kids that she doesn't agree with", Chad laments. "I never thought I would have married a major control freak, but I did", explains Chad. "Even today, she told me not to forget to bring the baby's diaper bag AS IF I would ever forget to do that!"
Kelly, on the other hand, believes that Chad is an irresponsible parent. "He gives them whatever they want. He just doesn't think before he gives to the kids---and then I'm stuck being the bad parent because I won't let them eat sugar for breakfast." Kelly has tried countless times to get Chad to be on the same page as she is about parenting their kids. "He just does whatever he wants with them", she states. "..I guess I have to wait until we get to "I told you so!" before he wakes up to himself." One thing both agree on is that if this arguing over the way to parent their kids keeps up, it might be best to go their separate ways. "I hate to think that way because I know divorce ruins kids' lives and all that...but I really don't know how much more I can take of Kelly's controlling ways.." Poor Chad.
So what do these three scenarios have anything to do with an addiction to power and control? In Jenny's case, she presumed she "knew" what her own satisfactory experience(s) with "church" needed to be in order for her to feel accepted, approved of, and liked by her fellow churchgoers. As such, she was seeking to be in control of something she really had no control over to begin with. Since when can we curate under what circumstances a "right" conversation will occur, at the "right" time, with the "right" person, and involving the "right" conversational content? Jenny was allowing her own expectations to run (and more often ruin!) her experiences at each church she spent "six weeks" visiting! Secularly speaking, she was attempting to manifest her desired end results while missing the point of enjoying her present-moment experience(s). What about the sermons presented to her during each of the six weeks she visited any given church? Did she even notice what was being taught during those sermons and how each one applied to her own everyday life and circumstances? I mean, this isn't rocket science! When we have power and control issues, we can get way too focused on what we want "now" as opposed to the blessings and lessons that surround our current experience(s)!
As for Francis, he functions as a codependent giver. Codependent givers do what they do for the acceptance, approval, and love of certain others in their life. When rewarded in accordance with this primary motivation for living and giving, he/she/they are "fine". All good. Until someone doesn't react or respond the way that Francis expected. Until someone doesn't appreciate what Francis has done on his/her/their behalf. Until someone actually confronts Francis by saying things like "I didn't ask for that." or "That's not something I need or want now thank you very much." Or even worse, "Why do you think you know better than I do what's best for me Francis?" Yeah, like that. Francis's need to have power and be in control over his chosen certain others....this is Francis's primary problem as a repeated "giver" to his fellow man/woman. Yowsah.
Concerning Kelly and Chad, both have issues around power and control as their arguments put the proverbial exclamation mark on their repeated fights about parenting. Instead of focusing on what is right for their kids, they each keep focusing on who is right when one's behavior is found to be offensive to the other. Ultimately, their kids learn that resolving conflict in a family has nothing to do with discussion, mutual understanding, active negotiation, and compromises that work for all parties involved. Rather, children learn that fighting is hurtful and yet parents who won't or can't stop doing it, don't!
Are you most invested in feeling powerful and in control? Remember, being and feeling powerful is very different than being and feeling empowered. Empowerment has to do with self-acceptance, confidence, and treating oneself and others as equals with mutual respect. Empowerment also involves honest sharing of both information and care in all communication(s). Being and feeling powerful typically does not involve any of these important component parts. After all, power corrupts. And, as the saying goes, absolute power absolutely corrupts. When someone has complete power and control over someone else, or several someone elses---we call that enslavement. Are you enslaved by someone else...or are you enslaving certain others from your own life?
A good licensed therapist can help you re-think your need to live life feeling powerful and in control of the people, places, and things which surround you. Consider making your own mental health and well being a priority instead of treating everyone else around you like an option.
Until next post...