"Sue" has been looking for Prince Charming her entire life. Since high school, she did not think about a specific "type" she was most attracted to. Instead, she found herself attracted to the guys who noticed and pursued her; the more obsessively they chased after her, the better. Sue got pregnant in 11th grade by "the love of my life", who ended up bailing and breaking up with her as soon as he was told about her mom-to-be status. Sue decided to have an abortion. She didn't think too much about the procedure, because she was most broken up over her boyfriend dipping out once he knew he was about to become a father. To Sue's parents, her abortion was a non-issue since other females in the family had traveled down that same road before themselves...
After high school graduation, Sue moved in with another former classmate who she ran into at a local area bar at age 19. Sue claims he was great at first by saying and doing all the right things. However, Sue's boyfriend was also the local area weed distributor which meant unexpected phone calls, texts, and visits to their apartment at all hours all the time. Even though Sue's boyfriend was rolling in the dough, he used his money to please himself without considering Sue as his equal---or his partner. After about a year of living together, Sue's boyfriend threw her out one night after she complained "for the last time" about his selfishness. Sue had nowhere to go but to her older sister's house in another town....so she went although reluctantly. "I really expected him to go after me and bring me back to our place, but he never did." Sue was truly heartbroken by her boyfriend's betrayal and never forgot it.
Sue was with her sister at a friend's birthday party when she met "Frank". Frank was taken by Sue's looks and demeanor, which led him to ask her out within 30 minutes of meeting Sue. Sue was very flattered by Frank's attention; in fact, she made love to Frank that very same night in his vehicle. After a few months of dating, Frank and Sue got engaged. Sue was so happy that someone actually wanted to commit to marrying her, she floated through the next three months leading up to their wedding day.
Sue and Frank, now married, spent the next few years having a lot of fun. Even though Frank drank more than what Sue expected or accepted....Sue understood that her own online gaming habit wasn't exactly welcome by Frank. Yes, of course they argued about his drinking and her gambling---but Sue really believed Frank would never leave her. Wrong. Frank left after he began an affair with the downstairs neighbor who was a single mom with two small children under the age of five. Sue was devastated. "I never thought he would leave me like that; he broke my heart into pieces I didn't even know I had to break.."
Someone close to Sue suggested that she consider therapy to help her figure out why her relationships with men kept going sideways. Sue shrugged off her friend's suggestion and got remarried to another man two years after her divorce was finalized. As Sue put it, "I may have gotten it wrong in the past, but "Charlie" was my actual dream come true." For Sue, Charlie was hard-working, sober, and adored Sue. Charlie was also cheated on by his first wife, so he understood what Sue went through with Frank.
Sue's marriage to Charlie lasted as long as Sue complied with Charlie's plan for their lives. "He chose where we lived, he chose our furniture, he chose what kind of car I should drive..." states Sue. "I never knew what being with a control freak meant until I married Charlie", she adds. After just 10 months, Sue and Charlie split up. Finally, Sue decided to talk to someone about her poor choices in the romance department to figure out why she kept selecting "selfish losers" as partners.
Sue's therapist suggested that Sue consider reading the book "Don't Call It Love" by Patrick Carnes. Sue was shocked to discover that this book was about sex and love addiction, as if that pertained to her! She wasn't a sex addict! She wasn't a love addict either! She was just someone who was unlucky in finding her right "match" as a boyfriend or husband! And who didn't watch porn every now and then with their partner? Sue believed this author was nuts...and had no business writing such a book filled with such b.s.! Carnes was NOT woke according to Sue; in fact, Carnes was probably an oddball who never had a love life of his own!
Sue stopped going to therapy. Sue married again after a co-worker she knew for quite a while decided that he was in love with her. They left the state to give themselves a fresh start from their respective pasts. "He treated me like his Queen...and he was my King whom I finally found!", claimed Sue.
"Anthony"'s family, however, was not so welcoming to Sue. As his sisters put it, "He always picks these pathetic women who drain him dry and end up taking him to the cleaners once they split up." Sue was never clear about why Anthony's family kept their distance from her....but she was so in love with Anthony, she convinced herself to ignore them. "It was our relationship I most wanted to preserve; I couldn't let myself think too much about why his sisters or his mother or the rest of his family didn't like or accept me..." said Sue.
By the time Sue celebrated her 37th birthday, she discovered that Anthony's best friend "Jackson" was actually his piece on the side. She found out after stumbling across a voicemail in Anthony's phone from a couple months earlier. "I was so disgusted, I didn't know what to do", she states. When confronted, Anthony said his relationship with Jackson wasn't a big deal since he was married to Sue, and not to Jackson. "If I wanted him, I could have him", Anthony said, "..but I CHOSE to marry you!"
Sue decided to stay. She was too old and tired to start over, at least in her own opinion. Now she gets tested regularly enough for STIs, based on her PCP's recommendation. "All I have ever wanted was to feel good...and feel love...in my romantic relationship of choice", Sue indicated.
...and maybe that's been the problem all along Sue?
Pleasure addiction can look like Sue's life story thus far for sure. Looking for love based on criteria that have a greater potential to create a hot mess---than one that is safe, secure, and a stable love-based relationship. Sue's pleasure addiction was born from her own history of trauma-bonding which led her to believe that "real love" always involved invalidation, rejection, neglect, abuse, and codependency. With only self-pleasure left to focus on, Sue thought that "the right man" would be the key to her experiencing pleasure for the rest of her life. Sue is now 61 years old. Anthony ultimately divorced her after she refused to bear him children. He and Jackson became "roommates" and remain together to this day.
Until next post....