Today's post is being lifted, in part, from (of all things!) a Tik Tok reel! Thanks to Christine Peri for her contribution here, whomever you are and whatever you do for a living.
When I work with clients, we ultimately dive into their attachment style, which is to say the work of understanding how one rolls naturally in their own self-professing close personal relationships---and why. Attachment styles helps us to all understand how easy, or how difficult, it is for each of us to get and be close (into-me-you-see! = Intimacy!) to each other at an emotional, spiritual, and/or physical level.
Remember, there are three forms of intimacy; it isn't just about forging a physical connection between yourself and that "hot" other person that makes for a great long-term relationship! Emotional intimacy and spiritual intimacy are like the "cake" of our chosen relationship life. When we are physically intimate with someone, it represents the icing on that not-yet-created relationship cake with that chosen person. Unfortunately in today's modern culture, too many of us seek out the icing "fix" first in our attempt at connection with someone----without any regard for creating the cake to accompany it!
So let's take a look at how the Fearful-Avoidant attachment style impacts a person's ability to pursue their own close personal relationships so as to achieve emotional, spiritual, and/or physical intimacy with another person and then maintain it over time. You might want to know that many in the field consider the Fearful-Avoidant attachment style to be "rare". I call b.s. on that assessment. In fact, I think it's becoming epidemic within our three most current generations of humanity!
But first! The origins of attachment theory in psychology was introduced in 1969 by psychologist John Bowlby to explain the bonds infants develop with their primary caregiver(s). From his work and the work of his colleague Mary Ainsworth, it opened the door to study attachment theory in more detail leading us to where we are today. There are four basic attachment styles; the fearful avoidant style is the most concerning because it is the style leading people to hurt themselves and others most often. FAs crave intimate relationships, but at the same time are extremely anxious/fearful of rejection. They view themselves as unlovable deep down, and so they set themselves and others up for a cycle of dysfunctional relationship dynamics where perceived rejection reigns supreme anyway! Whether an FA is consciously aware of what he/she/they are doing (or not!), this group typically has the most drama attached to it.
At either end of the FA spectrum are those folks who are afraid of their own shadow and have extreme difficulty in "any" relationship---except with their "magical thinking safety person (or people!)", who is/are their go-to for anything and everything. At the other end of the spectrum are the Peacock brigade who function as major Kings and Queens, Princes and Princesses, wherever they are and go throughout their lives (because who can ever REJECT a self-professing "King" or "Queen"??!). More on that later in this post...
"Individuals with a Fearful Avoiddant (FA) attachment style, (characterized as having both anxious and avoidant tendencies) tend to have experienced enmeshment trauma in their childhood." So what is this enmeshment trauma anyway?
This means that "there were never any real boundaries growing up between them and the rest of their family. They did not develop or experience a strong sense of self as they were taught that they were responsible for satisfying others' needs and emotions first and foremost, just as others were "supposed" to be responsible for satisfying their needs and emotions in return." (Ah! There goes that toxic codependency as a relationship lifestyle rearing its ugly head once again!) As so happens in many families, the kids are treated like objects until they are finally set free (however that occurs!) to move forward in their own real life. How these kids function once they escape their FA parental homes is like a coin toss. There is a 50/50 chance they repeat what they learned at home....or they vow to be "the opposite" of their parent(s) in their own adult life....
I just heard today about a family of eight playing pickleball together at a indoor court facility over the weekend. There was a man, his wife, and their six children...all playing pickelball. Sounds like a great time of family gathering together to have fun, exercise, and enjoy one another's company, right?
Sounded like that to me until I heard that "dad" was shirtless while he was playing the game, and while running his family members on two courts like Coach I'm-From-Hell. Now, unless you are clueless about pickelball, playing shirtless is not an acceptable social practice even though it was for this man---and for the members of his family with him that day. This "Peacock" dad had to let everyone know by his own actions that for him, when he plays pickelball, he does it HIS way and any rules, social or otherwise, do not apply to him. This and the fact that he was working his kids and wife like mules in a field, all under the guise of good clean family fun. Not.
So what's the big deal? The big deal was that Daddy Peacock is and will remain "in charge" wherever he goes. Even to the pickelball court with his brood of devoted minions. The boys are learning they will one day be Peacocks too just like dad...and the girls are learning how to drool real good. End of. Shoot me now. This FA attachment style really does function to create empires of dirt for those who are caught up in it! Ironically, it isn't just the "women" from this family with a developing FA attachment style; it is Daddy Peacock who already has developed one also---as he is teaching his sons.
FAs are hell-bent on feeling and being "free". Freedom is their jam. So when anyone says or does anything to trigger the FA's sense of safety around this issue of freedom, the FA will immediately perceive it as an attempt at being CONTROLLED. FAs also get all wound up over any perceived real or imagined CRITICISM made against them. This represents a huge problem for anyone in relationship with an FA. Do you notice the trends here? Keep reading to understand where this aversion to feeling controlled and harshly judged 100% of the time comes from in the FAs' mind....
Enmeshment trauma is what does it. Just do what I tell you to do "for" me and we'll be good. End of. Eventually I don't even have to tell you what to do for me, because you'll be well-trained by then. Yeah, like a sect. Like a harem. Like any slave-based "system" where what you need or want doesn't really matter because my needs and wants will ALWAYS trump yours while you're living under my roof...got that? Spare me! How is that love? It is not love. It is trauma. And it is for sure and without a DOUBT...it is trauma bonding! Double that when dad or mom are not around all that much, so when he/she/they do show up---be prepared to serve the King/Queen on demand or---off with your head!
Side note: I actually have a friend whose dad was a big cheese in Lansing as she was growing up. Whenever he would come home on Friday night after a long week of work in our state's capital...the kids were lined up like Upstairs/Downstairs at the front door to "welcome" him home. Then...depending on what their Daddy Peacock wanted...the kids had to hop, skip, and jump to it gladly and without ANY attitude attached. Wow. Yep. Life with a "superstar" in one's household can be like that! As it turned out, they all left the nest as soon as they could each manage to, with some evolving into Peacocks themselves---while others maintained their own "I"m a good servant!" relationship lifestyle. That's how it is. 50/50
"In adult relationships, enmeshment trauma trains the FA to "forget" about their own needs and soley focus on those of their chosen person(s). FAs initially tend to be people pleasers (as that has been their learned way of keeping themselves "safe") and are rarely able to recognize, let alone ask for, what they need themselves in any important-enough relationship they are involved in." This is the truth! FAs function as all good "givers" until they explode from the frustration(s) associated with not having their own need(s) met by someone else who "gives" back to them to the same extent! When a healthy dose of malignant narcissism gets attached to one's own FA status...he/she/they really do evolve into Peacocks because, dammit, IT'S MY TURN NOW! :-P (...to have others serve ME, that is!)
In relationships, FAs, therefore, tend to be overly giving to the point where it burns them out. They tend to feel like they're giving so much to their chosen person(s) and that it is not reciprocated. Fearful avoidants then take this to mean that their chosen person(s) don't value them, they are underappreciated, unlovable, and nothing they do is good enough (core wounds having been triggered here). This would also be true of relationships that are non-sexual in nature, but important enough to the FA generally speaking.
"What tends to happen here is that the FA will feel taken for granted or that they can't do anything right in the relationship (another core wound being triggered when feeling this way). Resentments towards their chosen person(s) will begin to build. More internal conflict builds up, at times with passive aggression attached as they make attempts to communicate to "solve" their issue/problem with their chosen person(s). At this point, the FA usually feels completely enmeshed in their relationship (does not know where they end and the other person involved begins). The FA feels they have lost their sense of self again (and self identity!) and so typically will begin to withdraw." Or.....start practicing how to function as a Peacock. When when gets sick enough of playing the slave in someone else's life, it's not all that difficult to start looking for others who will serve us instead!
Another side note: When my uncle died, my aunt had basically been set free from a 50+ year relationship where my uncle micro-managed her life since their marriage in 1952. She did "like it like that" (by her own admission) because she didn't have to worry about making decisions she didn't feel like making. (No kidding! Her words not mine!) However, when he died...she immediately went from grateful-servant-status to "I'm a Peacock and YOU my dear niece are my chosen minion!" (Because I was the only one left in the family to minion-ize in her mind!) We worked it out before she passed away, but I'm telling you---she made a really GREAT Peacock when she started figuring out her own needs and wants after he was buried. New carpeting, new curtains, new excursions out, etc. etc. If it wasn't so tragic, it would be comical. So...this FA attachment style can manifest itself in all sorts of ways along the spectrum from which we function when we are Fearful-Avoidant types!
Going beyond what has just been shared, the Fearful Avoidant attachment style doesn't give the person suffering from it any room to move or "do" the work of setting oneself free from this form of self-imposed bondage. Except to go from servant-to-master status and at times back again (toxic codependency at work here!).
And what the frick to do when both parties in an important-enough relationship are Fearful Avoidants? Yikes! Unfortunately, the most common course of action is the eventual "See ya!" as the relationship grinds to an ultimate halt and each party goes their own separate way. For those who choose to remain together, the quality of the relationship has nowhere else to go by down as it degrades into a more "disconnected" than "connected" dynamic between the two parties involved. And yet----there will always be those FA couples, who together can create a sort of upside-down empire of King & Queen Peacocks with their children/grandchildren trained to function as devoted minions---for life! Eek!
When we teach people to be afraid of us, we THINK that'll work. It doesn't. Fear only works to control people! It doesn't work to free them! Haven't you real that memo yet....or are you still drinking that Kool-Aid? Sheesh!
Until next post....