Last post, I introduced you to the Fearful-Avoidant attachment style. With this style, the basic core belief of the person involved is this: "I am not o.k...and you are not o.k. either." Period. This is because the FA style craves intimacy (but avoids actually achieving it!), while at the same time is highly fearful of rejection. There have been too many life experiences where this type of person does NOT trust others, and has also repeatedly been burned by others---be it imagined burning or real burning that has occurred there. He/she/they with this type of attachment style usually has no idea why loneliness is such a close companion. Communications-wise, the FA person is most likely to rely on the passive-aggressive communication style in his/her/their interactions with others---because that feels most "safe". What this means is that communication is extremely unpredictable. Like the definition of passive-aggressive behavior: The dog is licking your hand while urinating on your leg. Passive-aggressive communication is not much different. I say one thing, but do another thing. I say one thing, but I mean another thing. There cannot be any authentic trust or honesty exchanged with a person who is a passive-aggressive communicator. "No, I'm fine you don't have to do that for me really I'm o.k.!" (meanwhile, thought life is screaming "You selfish $A*)#) after all I've done for you and you can't do this one little thing for me?!?")
This post, I will present the other three attachment styles and the communication styles that most often accompany them....
The Secure attachment style is always the goal for anyone. With this style, our basic core belief is this: "I am o.k....and you are o.k. also." Basic trust is present. Equality between any two people is present. Mutual respect is present. Honest exchanges of information is present. And, of course, clear boundaries are present as well. This type of person is most often assertive in communicating to others. "Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean, and say it on time and to the right person(s)" is the edict of securely attached individuals. When we are assertive, we address offensive remarks or behaviors directly and without "drama" attached. "When you..................I felt....................so can you...................because..............................." Or, turning things around a bit: "I felt..................when you............because...............so can you.............................in the future?" "Can you...............because.................when you..................I felt........................." Whichever order you want to communicate how you felt in any given circumstance that involves calling out offensive words and/or actions...this is the format to follow when you are an assertive communicator. Becoming a securely attached individual who most often communicates assertively takes practice. As would be true for anyone. You can't just think about it and that'll do. It won't do.
Next, the Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style represents a twist on the Fearful-Avoidant attachment style because DAs believe "I am o.k., and you are not o.k." Hence, I am "above" you and therefore I can dismiss you at will because....I am o.k. and you are not! Wow. Talk about still avoiding true and genuine intimacy with another person...but now instead of fearing rejection---DAs most fear losing their personal freedom! ("Don't YOU tell ME what to do!") ("How DARE you try to put any chains on MY behaviors!") With the DA attachment style, the communication style most often relied on is aggressive in nature. Basically, whatever it takes to keep the other person at a comfortable enough emotional distance---the DA will say it or do it accordingly. If there was a byline to describe the DA attachment and communication style combined together, it would be this: "Time for you to go away now!" DAs are often labeled as "malignant narcissists", without any understanding regarding this attachment style and associated communication style. Now you know.
Lastly, the Insecure and/or "Anxious" attachment style is about living in imagined fear about "what if..?" the relationship goes south or worse. Insecurely attached individuals are the people pleasing martyrs among us. Their core belief is this: "I am not o.k., and you are o.k." Their inner voice repeatedly tells them "Whatever he/she/they want, I'm good with that!" "Oh, no problem...sure I can do that for you!" etc. etc. Anxious attachment style individuals are the passive communicators among us. They don't want to rock any boat, let alone one they inhabit with you. I am reminded of all the various peeps I have known over the years who had adopted this attachment and communication style. When things go south, as they can in any relationship, these folks are the most devastated because he/she/they KNOW how hard they worked to be "good" to their chosen partner/family member/friend/co-worker, etc. Insecurely attached people want genuine intimacy with others; they just don't know how else to go about it other than being their chosen person's "yes" responder. In fact, it is the insecurely/anxiously attached individual who can feel so easily confused about "who" they are exactly when they have spent so much time in their own life being what others want(ed) them to be on demand. It's a hard way to live; even harder when it leads to being left behind because..???
There is a way out from under whatever attachment style and communication style you have adopted that is other than the secure/assertive types. To do nothing about this issue guarantees that nothing will change for the better over time. So let's get to work. We are worth it!
Until next post....