Hi. I've written about this dysfunctional pattern of behaviors in the past. In case memory fails you, the pursuit of power, pleasure, and avoiding personal responsibility are the primary motivations for living when one is functioning primarily as a "taker" in their own relationship life. And what does that mean.....?
I am reminded in this moment of all the people we meet in this lifetime who are, in two words, highly codependent. I know I know...here we go with the codependency talk again. Well...it IS true that when we function in our "giver" mode---the primary motivation for that is to receive (1) acceptance, (2) approval, and (3) like/love from one or more other chosen people in our life. Like the co-worker who keeps bringing brownies or other treats to work every week because....? (She wants your acceptance, approval, and "like" that's why!) Unless she's starting her own baked good business as a side hustle---one has to wonder why she keeps bringing those brownies in every Monday to work!
...or the mother/mother-in-law/grandma who keeps dropping off food for dinner at your house every Wednesday and Friday at 5:00PM because...?? Because now you understand, that's why! (Codependent Giving 101!)
Yet when we function in our "taker" mode---we really DO want (1) to feel power, (2) to feel pleasure, and (3) to avoid one or more of our own personal responsibilities! Using work once again as the example, who is that co-worker who keeps calling in "sick", but then texts you asking you to replace him/her/them on the next Friday or Saturday's night shift? Well, it isn't the Mother Theresa of All Giving I can tell you that!
...or the brother who keeps wanting you to "stop by" after work because something isn't working right and the last time he did anything mechanical was when he opened up a can of tuna for his lunch!
How and why we get caught up in this potential sh** storm of a relationship dynamic is---oh yes! That's right! When we are a codependent "giver" by nature because of what we want out of the relationship (see second paragraph above!)...and he/she/they are a codependent "taker" by nature because of what he/she/they want from you! (refer to last two paragraphs!).
And of course the "takers" among us always find their chosen "givers" to be in relationship with sooner or later. That's just how things work when we are making our life's ambition to choose the pursuit of (1) power, (2) pleasure, and (3) avoiding one or more of our personal responsibilities our focus in our relationship life!
Things get complicated when a codependent person is also a trauma survivor and in denial about the impact of that status on their relationship life. I have worked with enough "sick" individuals over the past 22 years to know that Codependency + Trauma History + High-Enough Intelligence + Ego (Having to "Be" Right!) = Nightmare Relationship!! And notice I didn't even mention Mental Illness and/or Addiction in my formula here!
I seriously believe there isn't a person on this plant who does NOT know of someone who is the walking epitomy of what I just formulized here. We ALL know that person who wants everything their own way as often as possible. And if there is a "goal" in terms of relationship dynamics between this type of person and anyone else, it is this: Me + Finding Person(s) Willing to Be Addicted to Me/My Status/My $$$ = Me Getting Everything I Need on Demand From Him/Her/Them!
Yep, it's like that. Plain and simple....
When we are codependent and function most often as a "taker"...we are like Kings and Queens scouring the world looking for our loyal and faithful servants 24/7. No kidding! If I can get you to be addicted to me, of COURSE you will do whatever I ask and in a hip hop lickity split kinda way because...I asked! Of course, there are those of us who have said to me in my office, "I don't know what that feels like! I never had anybody addicted to me!" Okay, I understand how that can happen. Yet, if this is your experience as well...then I need to ask who YOU have allowed yourself to become "addicted" to in your own history of relationships---and "why" you allowed such a dynamic to emerge in the first place?!
King/Queen vs. Servant/Slave....what's it like in YOUR relationship life right now? Unless and until you are EQUAL to anyone and everyone you consider part of your tribe---genuine mutual equality, honesty, AND mutual respect IS what is missing!
For me, it's easy to discern when I am in the presence of a codependent taker on blast. Always has been. What about you? How easy or how difficult is it for you to notice when someone is setting you up as his/her/their next target for codependent taking? People pleasers of Planet Earth please take note here! Your "sweet and giving" nature won't work all that well for you when you find yourself struggling for freedom from the clutches of someone who has showed up in your life to "own" you mind, body, and soul! We all teach people how to treat us after all.
What have you taught others about how to treat you in your own relationship life?
Until next post....