Lately on Tik Tok you will eventually see some videos about the topic of "Pathological Demand Avoidance" (hereafter referred to as PDA) and its link to autism spectrum status. Although I can understand how industry experts in our field of psychology would connect the two, I am here to tell you that you don't have to be diagnosed with ASD in order to have PDA as an issue in your own life...
Pathological demand avoidance. Sounds like a very highbrow way of explaining people who say "NO!" quicker than anyone can blink or think. "Would you..." "NO!" "I was thinking..." "NO!" "Hey! How..." "NO!" I'm not kidding. People with PDA are so invested in not being interrupted from whatever they are thinking about, feeling, doing, or not doing---that their "NO!" knee-jerk response functions like a tic they can't control.
As this level of response exemplifies one extreme of the PDAer's relational style ("No! No! No! ...and before you speak another word...my answer is still NO!") --- the other extreme would be those who act out thoughtlessly and inappropriately for being asked whatever and whenever and by whomever. "So...what are your plans for today?" (..throws object in hand against nearest wall) "STOP ASKING ME THAT! I *$A)@ing HATE YOU! I WISH YOU WOULD DIE!" (..runs out of room crying and screaming unintelligible utterances), etc. etc. Whatever these responses/outbursts involve, the message behind the behavior is still the same: "Leave me alone don't talk to me don't look at me don't remind me of what I should be doing that I don't feel like doing because you keep demanding it from me...!!!!" (..or words/thoughts to that effect!)
Yeah, it's a dumpster fire when anyone finds themselves in a relationship with an in-denial PDAer. No kidding. Yet active addicts are pretty excellent when it comes to doing their own life by the PDA playbook. So are individuals with a history of complex trauma and/or ADHD, traumatic brain injury, and a pre-existing personality disorder. And we cannot forget the toxic codependents among us either. Nothing like a codependent "taker" in full bloom to remind us of how frustrating it is to expect him/her/them to just go ahead and do their OWN life's responsibilities without looking to find others to do it for him/her/them!
PDA is a relational lifestyle. Don't get that twisted. It gives the PDA-focused avoider permission to not do what he/she/they need to be doing in order to take proper care of themselves, and what they are personally responsible for doing, on a day-by-day basis. I am reminded in this moment of the single mom who went to live with her sister because "my life's too hard" and proceeded to harang that sister into taking on the role of "nanny" to her neice and nephew (both under the age of five, by the way).
Instead of driving, instead of working, instead of cleaning up after herself and her kids....this so-called "mother" avoided pretty much every responsibility she had as a single mom of two small children. Yes, this is what PDA can look like in real life. When the elder sister was burnt out enough to see past their immediate circumstances, she started gathering up external resources to help both she and her sister obtain the professional help and intervention they both needed to change for the better...
People struggling with a Cluster C personality disorder (the "anxious/afraid" bunch) are also extremely vulnerable to pusuing a PDA lifestyle because of their struggles around decision making, toxic codependency, avoiding conflict at any cost, and the general role that fear plays in their day-to-day life.
From a fear of driving.....to fear of making a mistake, it becomes clear that PDA seems to work well enough when there are willing enablers present in the PDAer's network of family, friends, and colleagues. Many of the agoraphobics amongst us (people who are afraid of going out in public) are most vulnerable when they do, in fact, live alone. I know I have found that aging boomers are especially challenged when they don't know how to "work a computer" or "figure out a cell phone" and, as a result, are truly cut off from outside contact beyond a landline telephone.
Probably the saddest case I can recall as a 19 year old kid was when a colleage at my job told me about an older woman who had died in her home. When she was finally found, the police also found her adult son sleeping next to her deceased body. He was cognitively impaired, but shame on that mother for creating a living environment that prevented her son from understanding the basics of how to get help in case of an emergency (ICE!). PDA can certainly extend itself into reality in ways none of us want to have to imagine or face!
When a person is not on the spectrum for autism or cognitively impaired, PDA-based responses may signal something that is requiring medical attention and intervention that we might not otherwise consider. For example, my maternal aunt began to say "No!" to opportunities that involved eating meat before she passed away. "No steak. No sausage. No..." Well, it occurred to me that when she started to refuse chicken that perhaps there was something wrong with her teeth. Sure enough, she had some broken teeth she never mentioned, nor wanted to address with a visit to her dentist. She remained adamant about refusing treatment until she passed. This, to me, was a real tragedy as her perception of a visit to the dentist was based on everything BUT the modern-day technology and techniques available to her at that time.
Please note: my aunt also refused to go to "doctors" of any kind throughout her life as well. She made it to nearly 92 years old, so that was her special blessing---in spite of never having had a breast or gynological exam, and never having had any children....
As an aside, PDAers are notorious for gaslighting themselves when there are things to do be done, and they say to themselves, "Oh, I can do this later.." or "Uh, no. I can't do this right now". (Things like folding and putting away their clean laundry...or vacuuming their carpeting.....washing dishes....making that doctor's appt. they have been putting off for weeks already, etc. etc. etc.) How do you think piles get wider and deeper in the personal life of a person with pathological demand avoidance? This is how.
There is a lot of additional information online about Pathological Demand Avoidance and how to address it if an issue in your own life...or the life of someone else you love and care about. It is NOT a diagnosable mental health condition recognized by the DSM-V-TR...but certainly worth mentioning and becoming aware about. Afer all, we ALL have our "issues" when it comes to what we are supposed to be doing, but don't want to/refuse to...do!
Until next post....