I credit Patrick Teahan with that statement when asked how he would define the term "trauma". As a psychotherapist himself, Teahan says that trauma can be defined as attempting to convince difficult people to be good to you. I agree this is one aspect of what unresolved and unprocessed trauma can look like in one's relationship life. So...for today's blog post, I am going to address this issue of what happens when we do (or don't!) try to convince difficult people to be good to us....
I used to have neighbors long ago who were a nightmare. That was made clear the first day they moved into the house. I went over there with a cake to introduce myself, and it was like being let into a cage at the zoo by one of the animals. No adults around, random teenagers everywhere, and nobody actually going to "look" for the homeowner after I was let in through the front door. When the new homeowner showed up and looked at me blankly, I introduced myself, said I lived nearby, and handed the cake over to her. She said nothing. I wondered if she had a traumatic brain injury or was otherwise cognitively impaired. I can say in all honesty, I still don't know the answer to that question. They moved away after a few years and I thanked God for it then...just as I do to this very day....
So....did I do anything to try to convince this woman and her husband to be "good" to me? Hell no I did not. I realized from jump after going over there with the cake, that this was not a couple who had a clue about much of anything generally speaking. They may have had the $$ to get the house they purchased...and that was it. I didn't bother with trying to convince them of what being a good neighbor meant. They just weren't interested. When they finally left, if I could have jumped higher than the moon, I would have!
Do you think they ever thought about "me" or our household or our neighborhood's households while they lived here? Do you think they think about life on our street and how their presence impacted it? Highly doubtful. Difficult people just don't think about these things. Why should they? It's like watching someone throw an empty glass bottle onto the road while driving. They don't live by any rules. They don't even live by any societal norms. They do what they want and that's all that matters. And I am being kind putting it this way. Bottom line, when people are a$$holes, that's what you got. No changing, no repenting, no nothing. They are like Popeye on crack. "I yam who I yam and EFFYOU if you don't like it!"
Well, don't say I didn't warn you...
Speaking of which....
I have noticed a disturbing trend to do with familal trafficking of one another for a variety of purposes. Don't be surprised. If you pay attention to your own family system, there will always be at least one slave-driving and/or pervie family member (often the same patriarch oh by the way!) who nobody has really done much of anything about. In fact, this may be that person who is willing to "babysit" all the kids during family events and/or independently on demand. Listen, why are you shocked by this information? It all begins with the family anyway, doesn't it? We teach our kids (or don't!) about what is appropriate versus inappropriate behavior especially when we say nothing or do nothing about inappropriate behavior going on within our midsts! Doh! Reminds me of families where physical fighting is "no biggie" and there's always someone walking around with a black eye, busted lip, or broken something or another. Sheesh. When will we stop trying to convince these jerks to be good to us and/or others? They clearly don't care about the pain they inflict onto others. It's all about them and their own needs-satisfaction on demand!
The father who likes to "snuggle" before bed with his chosen child because....? Because why?! That's what your spouse is for in case you forgot pal! I know, this is uncomfortable subject matter, but what isn't these days? I mean we all have to deal with people walking up and down the streets of America looking and/or behaving like zombies, banshees, demons, clowns, and God knows what else. I'm over it. Are you? In many ways, I'm glad for the heads up because I am NOT interested in getting to know someone "better" (let alone "hope" he/she/they will be good to me!) who presents like someone who has spent way too much time at either the carnival, in Hell, or inside a cell bock. Just sayin'. Yes, I may sound "unwoke", but I don't care. If you are a kind, honest, and decent human being, why create an image for yourself that screams "I HAVE SEVERAL PROBLEMS AND YOU GET TO GUESS WHAT THEY ARE!" Don't worry; I won't! I copy that memo loud and clear!
Convincing difficult people to be good to us means different things to different folks. I just shared where I am coming from when it comes to my own seven-second impression of others who present themselves to me on the street, at a social function, and/or where I live and work. I remember a beautiful young woman who had tatted herself up like Kat Von D back in the day. She was so covered in tats...her one sleeve was literally almost pure black. When I asked her how she became addicted to the pain associated with getting tattoos...she looked at me like I had three heads. I then responded with, "Are you telling me you found an artist who actually makes tattoos that don't hurt at all to obtain?" She laughed. She understood. As she thought about it, she said, "I guess I learned to get used to it...and then it really ended up working to relax me." Yeah, I can understand that. Kind of like riding a bike along a freeway and being emotionally wrecked because your best friend died, your significant other cheated on you, and your dog just ran away.... But then, you get hit by a 14 wheeler! Suddenly, all that other stuff you were obsessing about is immediately forgotten and replaced by THE NEW PAIN. Yeah, that's what pain can do for a person. Distract you from one sh** show to another bigger one quite instantly. Wow.
Instead of focusing on difficult people and working to convince them to be good to us...we can instead consider getting in to see a good trauma recovery professional to make sense of your past...which you would definitely want to move past...instead of staying "stuck" in it by your current lifestyle and relationship choices.
How about that idea?
Someone just told me recently that before her boyfriend ditched her, she told him she just wanted a "normal" life without the drama and toxicity of cuckoo family systems and its members. He responded by saying "There is no normal." Wrong! There is a normal, but he sure didn't recognize it and hasn't since that time I might add. It is NOT normal to hurt people because you yourself are comfortable with being hurt. It is NOT normal to perpetrate henious acts against other humans because it makes you feel good and powerful in the short term. It is NOT normal to fight the same old fights for weeks, months, years, or decades without any real solutions, resolutions, or dissolutions to finally "end" the problem, whatever it may be.
Difficult people are toxic. Difficult people are dysfunctional. Difficult people are not worth your time, energy, or "savior"-based efforts. You know who they are. You may be one yourself. Again, there's help for that. There's books for that. There's groups for that. And there is me for that unless you are a zombie demon with a penchant for clowns and children. In that case, call somebody else. :-P
Until next post....