The Gottman Institute functions as an industry standard when it comes to marital therapy protocols. In fact, it is the source of the statistics mentioned above. Look them up online for more detailed information about their work. I have followed their protocol with many couples I have worked with over the past 22 years, because I believe in their approach to solving, resolving, and dissolving marital issues between any given couple I see. Grant it, there are always those couples who are not equally invested in "saving" their marriage per se. One person will claim to want to repair and restore the marriage, but he/she/they really do not. The truth usually comes out when that same person refuses to return to therapy after the first 1-3 visits and/or ultimately proclaims to their partner or to "us" while in session that they want out for real and for sure.
When this occurs, that does not mean that our work "ends" and that's that. In fact, I will often encourage the "left" party (as in left behind, not left of center politically speaking!) to either continue with me or seek out help elsewhere in navigating what will become their new path. Don't misunderstand, I am all about reconciling, repairing, and restoring marriages. However, nobody can "make" another person stay when they are most committed to leaving. That's just the way it is. And for those who say the one thing and then do another (like break up, make up, break up again, make up again, etc. etc.)...that's a potential cluster that requires a more in-depth approach with one or both parties on an individualized basis.
Throwing toxic codependency in here as an aside..."marriage" is not supposed to be about flipping scripts with each other throughout the years where "You get to be the Boss of Me!" versus "I get to be the Boss of you!" is your primary lifestyle. Stop. It's so childishy dysfunctional ("We're not playing unless I AM IN CHARGE!", it's codependent, and it's playing God with each other AS IF that's going to end well over time... :-P
But I digress. What do you believe are the top four relationship behavioral patterns that lead to divorce between any two people? Please don't confuse my question here with generic answers such as "Money, Religion, Children, and Sex". That's not what I am asking. Relationshp behavioral patterns focus on what we do so as to Discuss-Mutually Understand-Negotiate-Compromise outcomes that work for BOTH parties---and not just one or the other. Also, our appropriate relationship patterns of behavior should also work to Solve, Resolve, and/or Dissove the real life and right now problems that plague the marriage. So----what's your take?
According to Gottman, the top four relationship behaviors/patterns that can kill any marriage are these:
1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt
4. Stonewalling
Seriously? Yes, seriously! When you think about it, making any attempts to Discuss and then Mutually Understand each other about anything cannot happen when these behaviors are present, let alone represent a pattern for one or both parties.
Next post, we will deep dive into how these four horseman of the marriage apocalypse work against our ability to genuinely love and practice authentic into-me-you-see (intimacy) between any married couple.
Until next post....