Sorry for the interruption in my series on "When Your Marriage is in Trouble". I had an incident come up the other day, and it inspired me to write this post for those struggling in high-conflict marital situations. I promise next post, we will return to our discussion by presenting "Contempt" as the third horseman of the marital apocalypse....
The other day, I received an unsolicted email from someone I do not know and have had no previous contact with. I have a feeling I was sent this email along with several other psychotherapists who are easily found online. In it, the person presented all the reasons why his "ex" is a horrible person unworthy of parenting their shared minor children. He also recounted several incidents where, as the saying goes, she got away with it while he got the shaft.
Since this email was quite long and involved, I already knew that few receiving it would even bother to respond. That's just how it is. Unless the provider is being paid for his/her/their time, don't expect a response.
Me being me, I thought I would at least respond with the standard and logical considerations anyone in his boat was free to pursue. As I wrote to him and as I state here now, any high-conflict marital relationship involving minor children DO damage those same children in ways so easily ignored or minimized by the parent(s). As such, I encouraged continued and/or initiating contact with appropriate professionals who are in the position to protect the best interests of the children while, at the same time, offering support services to them and each parent.
After I sent the email, I did not expect a response. I had hoped he would read it and take my input to heart.
Nope. Of course not. Instead, I got an email response the next day that did not at all acknowledge anything I had written. Instead, he went on another long-winded rant about how bad his ex is and how great he is as their children's father.
My curiosity got the best of me and I looked him up online. All I can say is when I google your name and your mug shots pop up right away, your credibility just went out my window.
I didn't respond. Stick a fork in me and I was done.
So what was the point of sharing this with you now? Can you see how easy it is to get all caught up in being right or "having" to be right when our emotions are running and potentially ruining our ability to think straight? Do you see how what's right (for the minor children in this case) can get so easily forgotten when it's all about hating on "the ex"? Ultimately, we each have to stop and think before we act...regarding basically every issue/problem/opportunity we face while we are here. When we act first...and think last, we set ourselves up for catastrophic outcomes. Never forget that minor children grow up to be free-thinking adults. Whatever you sowed, you will reap!
Squawking about what grinds us is fine when we are relying on trusted friends and confidantes to listen and then encourage appropriate action when we are at our worst. Yet when the squawking becomes a lifestyle as if to say "Who is going to rescue, save, and fix me NOW because I want it NOW!"....this isn't good. In fact, it's very messed up!
Nobody owes you or me or anybody else a "better" life because we picked who we picked to make children with. That's on you for your kids. That's on me for my kids. If things went upside down with your chosen partner, don't make your child(ren) pay for your mistakes the rest of their lives! Just saying it now I feel like I am preaching to a common choir reading this! Anybody here a child of divorce? How did YOU feel if your parents were at each other's throats back then---and/or perhaps still are to this very day? I mean COME ON! At what point do we realize that practicing genuine emotional maturity is the only key to freeing oneself from a toxic relational dynamic as we practice reframing our OWN responses to whatever it is that is being thrown in our direction.
I felt so sorry for those children when I read this man's response to my email. He's clueless. I am not kidding. Completely clueless. I can only pray he can move out of his own head and stop believing he's the only one who knows what's best for his children. He doesn't. The way he went on, he made their mother sound like Medusa. Well, if she genuinely is Medusa, he picked her to make their kids with, so what does that make him? God help the next female he sets his sights on....
See what I mean? Someone's got to change for the better. Might as well be ourselves when we're already standing eyeball high in the muck that represents our own past history of poor relationship choice after poor relationship choice ad nauseum!
Shout out to all the unsuspecting "objects of desire" out there who can't believe their luck in having just met their "soul mate" "dreamboat" "perfect woman" "perfect hunk of burning love" blah blah blah. If he/she/they have small kids and a history like this one who wrote me that email---you better RUN FORREST RUN! Some men and some women really DO just want a replacement parent to raise their kids for them. I've seen it. You've probably seen it too. If you want to raise someone else's children, you may be better off changing careers and becoming a nanny/manny so at least you can pursue your own life after working hours. Just a reminder...
Until next post...