Defensiveness is the second marital horseman of the apocalypse that has the power to kill one's marriage.
No one would normally think of this behavior/behavioral pattern as being so impactful (in a bad way!), but it is. Think about it. Even as a kid, I can remember being the MOST upset when someone did something absolutely-and-without-a-doubt-WRONG....and then the little snot-rag came up with every excuse in the book to justify their actions AS WELL AS pointing the finger of authentic blame away from themselves! I can recall a childhood friend of mine who made it her job to defend her every inappropriate action by convincing me it was all my fault. Huh?! Of course, being a kid what did I know other than to eventually believe her! When I started to believe it was acceptable to introduce myself as "Hi I'm Mary and it IS my fault!"---I also realized something was starting to stink in Denmark...
Now imagine being married to someone who is more often defensive when discussing pretty much anything, than open and willing to LISTEN and UNDERSTAND what it is you are attempting to communicate?! Defensiveness is a relationship killer because it is the "I HAVE TO BE RIGHT!" rule that controls anyone and everyone within spitting distance of him/her/them. "Did you get gas for the car on your way home?" "Why should I? I don't drive all day around in circles like you do." "I'm just asking if you got gas, that's all." "You know, this treating me like I'm your errand bi**ch has to end. All you do from the time you wake up....(blah-de-blah blah!)...
Who believes that having to be right for who and what's sake leads to feeling safe, feeling loved, and feeling respected by another person? Last time I checked, that would be no-body! (Or, "I surely agree said no one ever!") LOL
One doesn't get comfortable with being defensive in an attempt to make things right; it's about being most motivated by BEING RIGHT no matter what the issue or topic is under discussion! This isn't a prolonged game of chess, in case anyone thinks otherwise. People aren't supposed to "practice" being right at and all costs for the purpose of character development! People who have to "be" right all the time are a**holes, plain and simple. They just are. And maybe as you read this you are realizing that your spouse is like this...or your favorite child...or your cute little grandchild who isn't so little anymore. Or, maybe even yourself. Whatever the case, there IS help for turning this defensiveness habit around and living life more abundantly in the relationship department!
Imagine now if you had two parents who were both into being defensive. Well, you know then! You know what it was like to function as ICE for either of them in the middle of their knock down drag out fights! You know what it was like to have to intervene so dad didn't knock the stuffing out of (whomever, whenever, and wherever) because now you stood between him and his intended target. Well, this defensiveness stuff can lead to some pretty nasty outcomes, that is for sure!
In the end, we can learn to replace our defensiveness with a spirit of curiosity and humility so that what we don't know---we can admit to it! How about that as behavioral step in a right direction? Nobody is God. Least of all some human who is targeting you (or me!) as their next "subject" or "idol" of worship. Stop. Just stop. Be present. Be grateful. Be real. That's where it all begins in helping yourself get off that dead horse that you keep trying to ride...
Next post, all about Contempt!