When Just Saying "No!" Works Against Us...

It is true that we are all creatures of habit.  What we like and like doing, we do it!  What we don't like and don't like doing, we work "not" to do it!  That's our human nature.  However, there are times when our own "just say no!" strategy works against us.  Today's post is focused on when our own "No!" responses end up jeopardizing our ability to heal, change (for the better!), and improve the overall quality of our own lives....

I have worked with a lot of clients over the past 22 years.  Some of them, I will say, amazed me just by showing up for psychotherapy.  How can I say that?  I say that because there is still a HUGE stigma associated with people asking for help about issues and problems they would rather not address directly, let alone involving a third party professional.  I mean when was the last time you met someone who told you, "Hey!  Guess what?!  I decided to start going to therapy because I create conflict like it's my job and it's really ruined a lot of my important past relationships!"  Or how about, "Geez, I think I need to see a psychiatrist because I keep obsessing about something being medically wrong with me, even though doctors keep telling me I'm perfectly healthy."  

See what I mean?

We typically don't face what we'd rather not face.  That's a fact.  People can go for not just weeks or months, but for years and decades saying "No!" to what ends up being their own worst decision(s) ever.  In my field of mental health, it is NOT easy to be connected to someone biologically or otherwise who makes their own lives quite complicated because of this "No! No! No!" mentality.  

"NO!" (I won't ever take medication!)  "NO!" (I can't admit my husband abuses me and our kids to anybody!)  "NO!" (She might exploit the bejesus out of me every chance she gets, but I'll never leave her!)  "NO!" (I'm too old to learn a new skill now!)  "NO!" (I'm not an addict!)  "NO!" (I'm not in denial!)

...and on and on we go.

My dearly departed aunt (God rest her, she would have been 101 years old this past summer) was someone who was much more comfortable saying "NO!" than she was "YES!".  She didn't used to be that way when I was a kid.  In fact, she was the one who suggested we go to Battle Creek on the train from Detroit to tour the Kellogg's factory.  As she aged, however, it was clear she was much more comfortable just shutting down opportunities that involved activities outside of her personal comfort zone.  You could take her to church;  she was fine with that.  You could take her to her favorite local restaurant;  no problem.  But to suggest anything she wasn't already familiar with or "heard about" from her peer group---forget it!  Like pulling teeth.  She truly lost her sense of adventure somewhere along the way.  Needless to say....

This "NO!" thing can be so annoying!  Kind of like refusing to accept a blanket when we are otherwise freezing....or refusing to go sit in that bucket of water over there when our rear end is on fire. 

So what can we do about this issue when it's one of our own issues?  Well, every dysfunctional habit can be broken when we replace it with a new and healthier habit instead, how about that?

If you are a "NO!" person, how about making a deal with yourself to start?  For one month, keep track on paper of all the times you said "NO!" to someone else (or to yourself for that matter) regarding whatever it is you chose not to do, rather than do in a timely manner.  After a month of tracking your "NO!" moments, review your documentation to see if there is a pattern there that you can identify.  Guess what?  There will be a pattern there!  

Some people find that their tracking record for a single month may be most focused on things discussed or interactions involving a particular person or group of persons.  Others may find that their tracking record has most to do with opportunities or invitations to "go" places with one or more other people.  Whatever the case, you will find that your own "NO!" moments for the month will have a pattern attached regarding (1) "who" you most say "NO!" to ( including yourself!), (2) "what" it is you keep deciding that you will "not" do (like anything to do with "doctors"---or traveling---or going somewhere you've never been before as examples), (3) "when" it is you most often say "NO!" without even thinking ("I don't do "mornings"...I don't do "after dark".."I don't like having people over at my house, etc.), and (4) "where" (at home?  at work?  when out with friends?  with with certain family members? etc.)

Understanding your own pattern of behavior is helpful here because it provides you with the evidence of what you are most often resisting and under what circumstances.

And that's a start....

Until next post!

When Genuine Negotiating is Difficult...for YOU!

One would imagine that after reaching a certain age, the practice of actively negotiating mutually-satisfying outcomes would NOT be such a difficult task.  Yet, it remains so for many of us.  This is because we are so highly codependent by nature.  (Which means we don't treat ourselves or others as equals, but rather as objects to use---or to be used by!)  Rather than genuinely negotiating outcomes where both parties get some of what they want, the harder-core codependent most often engages in self-serving negotiating as their default.  When we find ourselves at the receiving end of these self-serving negotiators...we often don't know what hit us until the smoke clears and we realize the price we paid for keeping our mouths shut.

Instead of saying what we mean, meaning what we say, not saying it mean, and saying it in a timely manner to the person(s) who need to hear it....we roll over.  Why we roll over is the focus of today's blog post. I hope reading it will encourage you to stop putting yourself in the "one down" position the next time you need to negotiate an outcome that leads to a compromise where both you and the other person involved are equally satisifed!

"Sue" was going on vacation with her friend "Elyse" for a week in Cancun.  Sue asked her friend "Sally" to pray for her, as Sue viewed Elyse as somewhat of a bully when it came to scheduling their activities while in Mexico.  Instead of saying something to Elyse directly as she was articulating her list of things she wanted to do in Cancun, Sue kept her mouth shut.  This was not a good idea.  Sue felt more comfortable shutting down and asking for prayer from a trusted friend than to respectfully interrupt Elyse when she began to carry on about "their" plans for the week.  

Sue didn't know it on a conscious level, but for her, negotiating to reach mutually-satisfying compromises had always been very difficult ever since she was old enough to understand receiving the short end of every stick she was personally handed!

"Nina" has been with "Joe" for over ten years.  They live together, and they remain unmarried.  Nina has complained often to her friends and family about Joe's lack of interest in the things Nina finds important.  Like shared experiences that don't involve a pickleball court---or a golf club.  For Joe, he loves both pickleball and golf...so he engages in those respective activites as often as he chooses.  Nina keeps thinking that if Joe REALLY loved her, he'd understand what makes her happy instead of always focusing on what makes himself happy.  Nina finds herself drifting away emotionally from Joe with each encounter she has with her group of friends who are much more attentive to her generally speaking.  Nina is wondering if now is the time to cut her losses and cut Joe loose.  "He doesn't listen to me about figuring out what we both like doing together", Nina claims.  "He's so busy making sure he's going to do what he wants every day...my presence in his life is more of a non-event than anything else."

So what about Sue and Nina?  Would learning how to negotiate more comfortably help them to feel more confident about asserting their own position no matter what is being discussed or who is involved in the discussion?  

Negotiating becomes difficult when the person hesitating to do it is more fearful than fearless in the general sense.  So where does that fear come from when it boils down to avoiding conflict at any cost?  

Both Sue and Nina were raised by "Superstar" fathers who were very busy in the outside world---but came home primarily to rest and recharge.  "My dad was a congressman, so he only came home on weekends", states Nina.  "When he showed up on Friday night, we all lined up at the front door like good little soldiers because daddy was finally home."  As Nina continues, she mentions how her dad always seemed to be too distracted or busy to spend one-on-one time with her or her siblings.  

Sue, on the other hand, had a doctor for a father who was always most interested in talking about medical-focused issue and technologies which interested him in the context of his practice.  "I felt like he could be talking in another language to me, but I was so grateful he was even looking at me, I never articulated that his conversations aimed at me bored me to death."  In both case, Nina and Sue were emotionally neglected by their dads, who they still loved and adored.  Needless to say, both Sue and Nina became comfortable living in households where their own emotional needs were basically ignored and/or shut down in favor of dad's "preferred" interactions with each of them.  And we wonder why how one pattern of behavior leads to another over time?  ("If I just sit here and agree, it's better than sitting here all alone...")

Yes, as a psychotherapist I have heard the many reasons why people won't and don't feel comfortable with honestly and genuinely negotiating mutually-satisfying outcomes.  It is true that confusion arises when a client believes they have to be "tougher" or "harder" in order to negotiate more effectively.  That is NOT the solution.  When one can recognize how they learned to "roll over" and who was involved (like Nina and Sue with their respective dads)...it really does clear away the cobwebs of denial that keeps us "rolling over" with anyone we perceive as more like "them" than like "us".

Another thing that confounds the ability to successfully negotiate is when someone can't even find words to describe what they are thinking, believing, or feeling and will instead say things like "You know what I mean" or "I know you know what I'm talking about" or "Like I said a million times before.." Listen, if you cannot clearly express what you think, believe, or feel appropriately enough in your own "now" moments....then how can another person understand you clearly about that thing?!  They can't!  End of!

I do understand underlying cognitive challenges and substance use and abuse.  When a person uses drugs or alcohol, being able to say what you mean is going to be a problem.  Then the meaning what you say part is also going to be equally challenging.  Saying something mean is typically easiest for those who are "altered".  Just saying!  Is it then a stretch to claim that negotiating effectively is a fool's game when addiction is involved?  So---if you are an active addict reading this, long-term sobriety and regular involvement in your own recovery-based community are what will help you leave your past behind....so you can move past it and into the much healthier communication, negotiation, and compromise-based territories of interdependence!

Fear is the darkroom where negative thoughts are developed.  For anyone who fears honest and genuine negotiating and yet complains about outcomes they didn't want or ask for---that's on you to solve.  Nobody is just going to "give" you what you want because you're cute....or quietly compliant...or an all-good "giver".  Forget it.  Step up to the plate and honestly negotiate!  You can do it!

Until next post...

Guess What? You're My Equal...NOT My Master!

Here's an issue for you.  We all understand what it feels like to be in the presence of someone with a capital "G" god-complex. Today, I thought I would present the issues which allow a person to fall under the spell of this type of person in their own relationship life and remain there.  After all, there is a secondary gain attached to being in a relationship with someone (or several someones!) who treat you like they ARE the boss of you and you keep allowing it!

And forgive me for the misleading title of today's blog post.  Had I written "Guess What?  You're My Equal...NOT My Servant!" that would mean that the "Master" in this type of relationship dynamic actually had some insight about how he/she/they roll and wants to change it.  Not typically the case with people who ARE obsessed with controlling outcomes---and the people attached to those outcomes!

Generally speaking, anyone who functions like a "Master" in their relationship life is absolutely clueless as to the harm they are inflicting onto those chosen others they aim to control.  Not to mention when a wanna-be Master comes across another wanna-be Master...although I will admit that can be fun to watch when it occurs!  :-P  

Instead, today's blog post title reflects the hope that exists for anyone who knows they are being controlled by person(s) A, B, C, D, and E....but feels powerless to do anything to change it.  Newsflash:  You CAN change your status as living and functioning "beneath" your spouse, your sister, your parent(s), your best friend(s), your neighbor(s), etc. etc.  Anyone is capable being consistently compliant and mindlessly so.  Yet if there is no understanding as to "why" you allow this "You're the Boss and I'm the Servant!" relationship dynamic to continue...it WILL continue for as long as you let it...

Genuine "love" and love-bonding is not about controlling all outcomes.  It is not about me allowing you to tell me how to talk, how to move, or how to "do" anything!  Sure, for small children learning how to navigate themselves in life---parents and other connected adults ARE responsible for teaching their littles all sorts of things like how to share, table manners, no hitting or biting, wait your turn, be sure to say "please" and "thank you" when asking for and receiving something, setting boundaries, not using tantrums to manipulate outcomes, showing compassion, learning forgiveness, etc. etc.

Yet we all grow up.  We may not grow up emotionally, but we do grow up physically.  When a grown adult still views "normal" as someone else dictating what to do or not do on an ongoing basis (or some series of someone elses!)...there is a huge problem present!  

Sadly, adults who struggle with chronic and intense fears of rejection and abandonment by others are "ripe" for the picking by wanna-be "Masters" in their own relationship life.  These are the men and women who have (they believe!) the protection of their "magical thinking safety person/Master" (or people!).  In exchange for this so-called "protection", the anxiety-laden adult here doesn't question much.  They just go along and don't have to think about what they "truly" want for themselves outside of what Master/Mistress tells them they are getting (or not getting!).

But herein lies the rub.  Many "servant" oriented men and women eventually DO find their own voice and start questioning....or complaining...or acting out....or whatever else not good in order to attempt elevating themselves to "Equal" status.  When this happens, the relationship can sour quickly and end just as quickly---or worse!  Do you know how many married couples actually get divorced because nobody talked about "kids" until the "servant" person in the relationship finally put his/her/their foot down about "I DO NOT WANT KIDS!"  Who needs to wait that long to realize that their relationship really was based on this Master/Servant codependent dynamic? I sure wouldn't!  And then there is Scott Peterson.  We won't go there.  But that guy really did NOT want a child and sadly Lacey Peterson found out the hard way how serious he was about that fact when she did....

Nobody is going to function as "equals" to one another when the former "servant" is basically functioning out of a mentality that screams "Now it's MY TURN to be the Master here!"  

And guess what?  That's what a toxic and codependent relationship looks like!  You get to the be the "Master" for however long in my life---and then we flip!  I then get to be the "Master" for however long in your life!  Huh?!  Yep, that's how SO MANY codependent people in relationship with each other do actually roll! 

And it's exhausting!  And it's so damaging!  And it's so dysfunctional!

As I've mentioned in a previous post, our relationship life does NOT have to get and be reduced down to "Seduction" "Self-Serving Negotiations" and "Fighting".  That's what highly codependent people do all the time!  Even in their platonic relationships!  "You're the greatest!"  "I'm SO glad I met  you!"  "You are SO smart!" (Seduction)  And yet as that seduction phase goes on....it's like watching the roosters or the dogs in the ring sizing each other up before they go to war with each other.  Who will come out the "winner" (Master) here?  Well, that's how it is.  Hate to tell you, but that IS how it is when people are blind to treating each other as EQUALS first and always no matter what the nature of their relationship is or how it may develop over time!

Ultimately, when I allow you to be the boss of me, I am allowing you to make my decisions for me and I am allowing you to alleviate the burden of me having to pursue and "do" my own daily load of personal responsibilities.  Instead, I do what you tell me to do.  I don't do what you tell me not to do.  I live in accordance to your vision for my life, instead of God's (meaning the "real" God, not you!).  Like the bumper sticker says "There is a God, but you're not Him!"

Remember that.  Otherwise, it all ends up in tears.

Until next post....

To Remain Sober and in Recovery (Part II)

It is extremely frightening to face difficult truths involving ourselves and/or our precious loved ones.  Of course it is!   Did you ever watch the Investigation Discovery (ID) series "Evil Lives Here"?  A friend of mine is connected to a producer of that series;  currently, there are 166 episodes produced over the last 18 seasons since the show debuted in 2016.  The common theme of Evil Lives Here has to do with spouses, siblings, parents, children, and other family members who have committed murder one or more times---with the facts of the case(s) presented to us through the eyes of the perpetrator's surviving family members.  These brave people are the proof of  the old saying "Fear doesn't stop death;  it stops life."  I don't know about you, but how would anyone answer the question "So, tell me about your parents?" when your parents were involved in a murder-suicide when you were just a kid.  So, to live in denial, in real or imagined fear, and/or in active addiction is very easy for those of us who have had a complex and traumatic history with people we love(d) and care(d) about.

For any recovering addict, being able to live in and successfully navigate one's own truthful reality of "now" is a key component of remaining sober over the long haul.  Instead of living in active addiction which represents (again!) the radical escape from reality---living in sobriety and recovery is the radical return to reality---and by our own day-to-day choice.  

Today's blog post is about the importance of living in the reality of "now" even when it's so much easier to take that drink, watch that porn, gamble that $$, and do whatever else we do to escape from reality on demand...

Our own mental health status is one of the first realities/difficult truths that many of us spend a lifetime NOT facing and managing properly for our own sake.  If you need clarity about what mental health problems look like up close and personal, all you have to do is pay attention to how you yourself  behave when something happens that you yourself didn't want or asked for. Yes, it's that simple.  

When we find ourselves unable to appropriately cope with unwanted changes in the people, situations, and/or circumstances we experience (and that make us feel hurt, angry, lonely, guilty, ashamed, confused, hopeless, powerless, sad, etc.).....we truly need to get genuine help for ourselves sooner than later.  

What form that help takes can initially mean no more than going to the library and reading a book on your "issue" that you are struggling with.  Or joining (for free) a support group related to your issue.  Even churches these days offer generic "Celebrate Recovery" meeting sessions that last for several weeks and are routinely re-offered over an entire year.  "Help" does not just mean calling up a psychotherapist's office with the intention of making an appointment---but hanging up because "I can't afford it".  When people call me and can't afford me, I know where to refer them.  There are plenty of excellent resources that offer high-enough quality psychotherapy for anywhere from $0-40 per session.

Remember, we cannot control anyone else's behavior.  We can only control our own.  We can attempt to encourage and attempt to motivate someone else to do the right thing...and we can emotionally support them...but this does not mean that he/she/they will for sure "do" what we want/hope/expect will be done.  That's reality.  And the same is true in reverse.  Your bff could be on speed dial when you crash emotionally, but that doesn't mean you are going to do what's genuinely best for you when you don't feel like doing it!  Hello!  That's reality too.

By the way, when we act out inappropriately towards ourselves or others when something "not good" happens (event-driven), we are dealing with our own personality issue and/or potential personality disorder.  In personality theory, the three broad categories to describe personality disordered people are as follows:  (1) the "odd/eccentric" bunch, (2) the "dramatic/erratic" bunch, and (3) the "anxious/afraid" bunch.  That's it.  Those are the options as to how we roll in a very general sense when we are personality disordered.  When we choose to keep ignoring what may be very obvious to others who know us well enough, it's only ourselves that we hurt and continue to damage the most.

Now imagine, because this is true for ALL of us, we have either a personality disorder to some degree and/or mood disorder and/or a brain disorder to some degree---and now we choose to "self medicate" by drinking alcohol, chasing tail (sex addiction), smoking weed, gambling, over-spending, eating too much or eating too little, working all the time, etc. etc.  

When we act out inappropriately towards ourselves or others when NOTHING has happened to precipitate our acting out (NOT event-driven), we are dealing with our own or mood and/or brain dysfunction disorder.  This is not the same as merely being "in a bad mood" when we are.  Everyone had bad moods.  But not everyone has bad moods when the days get shorter and darker in the fall/winter season.  Not everyone has bad moods that alternate with "great moods" in the course of a single day, or week, or month.  Inotherwords, a pattern of bad moods that has nothing to do with any specific "thing" that was said or done or happened....this is a signal that help is needed from a mental health and/or psychiatric professional.

And please don't get me started on ADHD.  I know so many people who have it and yet deny having it.  And they still wonder why they can't get sh** done in a timely manner ever?  Wow.

So how is all of "that" as a lifestyle really going to address and work to appropriately treat that which isn't appropriately treated through addiction?  Yeah.  Bells and whistles time.  Setting yourself on fire to make yourself believe you are "better" leaves you burnt to a crisp in the end.  Being an addict is never an answer to what ails you mentally, emotionally, physically, and/or spiritually speaking!

So there's the 101 on what we so easily ignore (like everyone in every one of those Evil Lives Here episodes I referenced earlier initially did) which is put right before us in the way of "dsyfunctional patterns of behavior" that we experience ourselves and/or witness first hand. 

Active addicts by the way, are pretty much 100% dealing with an undiagnosed and/or improperly treated major mood, personality, and/or brain dysfunction and disorder/issues.

So let's take a look at how things can go way south in a person's life when involving process addictions.  A process addiction, by the way, is what a person repeatedly pursues some behavioral "process" to feel better fast.  Gambling is a good example, because the vast majority of gambling addicts describe the whole experience of gambling as being a lot like Christmas morning, if you can wrap your brain around that one.  

And since the advent of online gambling has blown the roof off of casino gambling for those who can't/won't/don't make the effort to physically get themselves inside a casino to gamble---the industry has experienced a massive boom and shift both since online gambling was first legalized in 1994.  Back then, they couldn't track incoming revenues as we do today, but after the first four years in operation, there were already 700 internet casinos online with revenues generating $835+ million dollars.  Many industry experts claim that figure was actually closer to $1 billion dollars at that time. 

In 2025, there is some disagreement as to how much the worldwide online gambling industry generates;  estimates range around $110-120 billion dollars.  By 2035, that figure it expected to more than double to $256 billion dollars.

Who knew people like you and I had so much money to blow on online gambling eh?  Yet as I have worked with gamblers throughout my career, I do have to say that the process of gambling, be it online or in person, offers its devotees something that no other addictive process does:  HOPE for life-changing rewards.  And not just chump-change level rewards, but huge rewards like winning the Mega Millions lottery.  Needless to say, if you love risk taking---gambling is the process addiction of choice for you!  Low effort...with potentially very high rewards attached!  

The typical "at risk" gambler loses approximately $3,000 a year through their own gambling habit.  Problem gamblers, on average, lose $16,500 a year.  Hard core gamblers will lose anywhere between $50-100,000 a year gambling.

In all cases, a person just doesn't "stop" gambling because he/she/they have been threatened with separation, divorce, or home foreclosure.  Gambling as a process addiction requires that the gambler attend 12-step support groups (Gamblers Anonymous), obtain individual psychotherapy, and practice abstinence one day at a time.  Nobody just "stops" gambling because they have lost their job, or their spouse, or their home, or their friends.  Gambling ends because the work is being consistently done to live one's life in recovery from this addiction with a genuine commitment and focus on abstinence.

By the way, the vast majority of gambling addicts are also dealing with a major mood disorder like Bipolar I or II and/or the "dramatic and erratic" type of personality disorder because....because those dopamine rushes that accompany stimulant-based addictions is beyond intoxicating to those of us who know how "good" mania and a manic mood shift can feel from the inside out.

The next difficult reality I have witnessed repeatedly over 22 years of practice has to do with loved ones, typically parents and/or adult siblings, who do not acknowledge or address the cognitive and/or physical changes going on within him/her/them that are significantly affecting that person's own quality of life and/or their ability to even "do" their life appropriately.  

Of course, this type of thing most often occurs as a result of the "onset" of something that changes brain and/or physical functioning in a negative direction.  Such negative changes can occur as a result of a fall, or an accident of some kind where the brain and/or body take hits that don't improve over time.  

Here's my take on this issue of "What do we do about mom/dad/uncle/aunt/granny/sister/brother.."?  When a person can't successfully pursue and complete their own activities of daily living (ADLs), they just lost their vote as to what happens to them in the way of "assistance needed" on a day-in and day-out basis.  I am not being a cold-hearted beotch as I type this.  I'm being realistic.  Unless you, by your own choice, are still a medical professional willing to take on the day-to-day tasks of making sure your loved one gets dressed, gets showered, gets fed, gets their meds, gets to the toilet, etc. etc.---you are creating for yourself and your loved one both a more at-risk situation that can make current matters worse.  Just sayin'!

Besides the fact that both the "patient" here and the "carer" here are going to be suffering from tremendous stress and all that goes with it---do you wonder now why it is so easy for these folks to become active addicts if they aren't already?  I mean, reality dictates that senior citizens these days are more addicted to their pain medication than ever before in the history of pain management!  Not to mention those who are diabetic and still drink alcohol....or smoke weed...or ingest weed gummies like candy.  It's easy to do when one's real life reality literally bites.

Helping someone who can't get up, dress up, and show up for their own life is an act of loving sacrifice.  Yet there are professional carers, rehabs, assisted living, and memory care facilities that exist to prevent people from spiraling down into the abyss of active addiction whether they be "the patient" or "the caregiver".  Choosing sobriety and recovery is always part of the big-picture solution here...

Ultimately, to remain sober and in recovery is to face whatever it is we need to face and then work to solve and/or resolve the real life problem(s) we have.  Being wasted doesn't solve anything, and it certainly doesn't resolve anything either.  We all have our daily load of personal responsibilties to do and manage.  When we don't or won't...we create an environment for ourselve that leads right to lapse, relapse, or worse.  

Don't be in denial.  It doesn't suit you.  Live in sobriety and recovery and watch how "truly" better  your life will become!

Until next post.